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Dennis the Menace, 3/14/20

That’s right, Dennis! You aren’t part of a persecuted minority group, and will never have to worry about losing your ability to pursue your career in your homeland, leaving you to live much of your adult life in exile! Also, you’re very, very dumb.

Pluggers, 3/14/20

I know the chicken-lady plugger’s beak is usually yellow and this is just a coloring error, but I choose to believe that while she was going her mental list of cards to buy she did the math on how many more deaths than births there have been recently in her social circle and went white in the face while contemplating her own mortality.

Blondie, 3/14/20

Ha ha, it’s funny because … Dagwood is being recruited to play on a baseball team otherwise made up entirely of children? And they’re willing to accommodate his naptime? That’s the joke?

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Blondie, 3/6/20

This strip is, in its own way, heartbreaking to me. When Dagwood hears about this fellow’s food-themed brood of nephews and nieces, he doesn’t think, “Wow, my co-worker’s brother sounds like a kindred spirit! Maybe I should reach out to this guy on Facebook, and we could be friends, connected by our common interest in — nay, obsession with –food!” But no, all Dagwood does is imagine ways that he could imitate or rival this man, apparently forgetting that he’s already named his daughter “Cookie.” Anyway, his neglect of human connection explains why his ostensible “best friend” is some guy who happens to live next door, whose relationship with Dagwood is mostly defined by the two of them refusing to return tools they’ve borrowed from one another and who was last seen trying to kill Dagwood with his car.

Funky Winkerbean, 3/6/20

Ha ha, can you imagine dong a whole week of non-jokes where the “joke” is that you keep putting off the actual joke, which, when it arrives, is almost guaranteed to not be funny? I guess the reason for having the janitor in the foreground in every strip is to emphasize that this is all straight-up garbage.

Family Circus, 3/6/20

OUTDATED THEOLOGICAL CONUNDRUM: Why does a loving God let bad things happen to good people?

MODERN, UP-TO-DATE THEOLOGICAL CONUNDRUM: When Jesus told us to love our neighbors, did he not know that our neighbors fuckin’ suck?

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Blondie, 3/3/20

So … if I’m understanding all the motion lines and stuff correctly, Herb is driving his car at full speed in reverse up the street, and everyone in the carpool is watching Dagwood run as fast as he can towards them, seemingly unable to stop despite the look of justified dread on his face? “It’s like our own Dag reality show!” says Herb, right before the rear bumper slams into Dagwood and shatters his pelvis.

Funky Winkerbean, 3/3/20

Shoutout to Funky Winkerbean for including a panel of an utterly dead-eyed janitor pushing his broom up the hallway as Harry natters on about squirrels. Apparently the “joke” of the strip, which is about how much of a squirrel’s frenetic survival-related activity ultimately goes for naught, wasn’t grim enough, so we needed to be reminded that someone in close proximity to our characters was well and truly miserable.

Mary Worth, 3/3/20

Jared Jared no you are being way too enthusiastic about this