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Beetle Bailey, 2/18/09

“…unwilling to perform oral sex…”

Er, OK, now that I’ve gotten that crass joke out of the way, can someone please explain why Miss Buxley is sporting the Cousin Itt look in the second panel? Is she suddenly ashamed of her quite public mooning over the strip’s title character? Has she realized that even in the sweetheart’s picture on her desk, her paramour’s eyes are invisible, and she’s doing it in some kind of misguided solidarity? Does she even have enough hair to realistically flip over her face like that? Have we just never seen her right profile before?

Cathy, 2/18/09

I break my usual code of silence about Cathy to point out that today’s installment revolves around two dudes’ fantasy of an office lunchtime conversation degenerating into hot girl-on-girl action. It’s enough to make you forget that this is probably the first time the word “colon” has appeared in the strip.

Funky Winkerbean, 2/18/09

It’s true! Her jumper shits, the presence of her arch-rival bitches, and her dad’s new relationship assholes. In other words, everything motherfuckers.

Herb and Jamaal, 2/18/09

Ha ha! Herb is smirking while he imagines his mother-in-law being tortured, in hell, for all of eternity! How charitable of him.

Actually, in keeping with this strip’s total commitment to nonspecificity, Herb doesn’t actually mention hell per se. People of all faiths are invited to imagine whatever kind of system of post-death punishments they prefer, so long as it involves fire.

Family Circus, 2/18/09

This cartoon would be vaguely amusing, and not a savage exposé of Billy’s profound stupidity, if these kids weren’t actually looking at the test papers they were discussing. It’s a wonder Mommy even bothers writing Billy’s name in tiny letters at the bottom corner of his lunch, because he’s surely too dim to read it.

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Mark Trail, 7/15/08

I knew there was something missing from this storyline, and at long last we have it: a heavily armed Cherry Trail! Once she fells the charging moose with her shotgun, it will obviously be time to turn her weapon on the woman who’s tormented the whole expedition with her antics. Then comes the shallow grave, and the Oath of Silence.

Crankshaft, 7/15/08

OK, I’ve come to terms with the fact that we will occasionally be reminded that the Duncans (of Zits) enjoy getting their legally-sanctioned marital freak on, and that the Forths (of Sally Forth) are actually experiencing the joys of intimacy more frequently than usual, what with the baby-making attempts and all. But … but … please don’t make think about the ’Shaft-in-laws getting it on mopily, their owlish glasses clinking against each other as they do it, OK? Please? Please?

Cathy, 7/15/08

July 15, 2008, will go down in history as “the day we saw Irving’s ass crack.” Will the interminable and all-too-frequent “Irving and Cathy try to sort their digital photos” strips be made somehow more palatable, or at least more intriguing, by the knowledge that Irving probably isn’t wearing any pants while they ACK at their laptop? Does the fact that he isn’t wearing pants tells us something about the content of those digital photos? The mind boggles.

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Cathy, 4/13/08

I know it’s not “cool” to admit to being amused by Cathy, but I have to say that wading through all that text to get to the final word balloon was really worth it today. If the thought of Cathy reduced to such penury that she can only quench her thirst by desperately licking at her own salty, salty tears doesn’t bring a smile to your face, then you have a heart of stone, my friend.

Hi and Lois, 4/13/08

High on the list of Things I Have Spent Too Much Time Thinking About This Sunday: Why is Hi unshaven in this comic? Is this to represent the many hours he’s spent fretting over the family taxes? But in the opening panels, he’s clearly just getting started, but still sports a Don Johnson-esque stubble. Does it instead indicate that on weekends he takes a more relaxed attitude towards facial hair? But then, would he still put on a shirt and tie to do his taxes in his home office? I WANT ANSWERS DARN IT.

Further down on the list, but still nagging: “Tax Bat,” what the hell.

Slylock Fox, 4/13/08

The answer to this puzzle, if you can’t read it, involves Slylock swimming over to that overturned car and breathing the air out of the tires. This seems a little dubious to me, not least because he’ll have to engage in paw-to-tentacle combat with that octopus, which appears to be getting amorous with the submerged vehicle. My proposed solution? Just limit Max’s air intake. I’m sure that a little oxygen deprivation won’t do his already feeble brain any harm.

Meanwhile, that huge-eyed baby beaver will be haunting my dreams for weeks. The fact that it’s reproduced four times makes the top quarter of this comic more terrifying than Eraserhead.