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Crankshaft, 3/7/07

Wow! What’s that you say? A beleaguered woman cast aside her frumpy hausfrau garb, revealing an outfit resembling of that of a superhero? And began running after the bus that had spurned her, like some sort of avenging angel? Boy, that sounds like quite an arresting and potentially amusing image! If only there were some way I could, you know, see it. But how on earth would the comics medium allow me to do that? I’ll just look at the back of this old man’s head as he describes the incident to no one in particular.

Mary Worth, 3/7/07

There’s been a lot of joy in Curmudgeonville about Mary Worth today, with its obvious reference to everyone’s famous dead alcoholic Captain Kangaroo lookalike stalker; some have been so bold as to proclaim the beginning of “Aldomania 2007.” I’m not going to get emotionally invested just yet. I got all excited a few months ago about the return of Tommie the tweaker, and while we did get an awesome look at him waving a tiny bible at his mother, he was just used as a prop in a larger, much duller play. Maybe in a few weeks Ella will be laughing maniacally as she holds up Aldo’s severed head, which has been reanimated through the dark arts and is ordering Mary to beg for forgiveness, but more likely there’s just going to be a lot of platitudes about forgiving yourself and blah blah frickin’ BLAH.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/7/07

Well, the gunplay might have taken all of a day or two and been resolved without intervention from any of the major characters, but the protracted battle with Child Protective Services has just begun! Yes, no comics feature brings you the gripping drama of negotiating with byzantine government bureaucracies the way Rex Morgan, M.D., does. Remember June’s interminable struggle with the DMV? Well, that was just the beginning! TASTE THE EXCITEMENT!

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Apartment 3-G, 2/4/07

So I just spent a good chunk of time catching up on the various comics I missed while I was away, and I have to say that nothing was so disturbing as the bizarre turn of events in Apartment 3-G that saw Tommie falling into the arms of a pencil-mustached lothario out of the 1970s 1950s 1890s [Note: Historical records confirm that there has been no decade in recorded human history in which Neil’s clothes, haircut, and mustache would be considered fashionable and attractive. –Eds] Less traumatizing than Neil, who will soon cast aside Tommie like a used tissue, is Gary, aka “Boy Tommie.” Clearly this lookalike duo is destined for romance, at which point all of time and space will collapse into a black hole of bland mopiness from which nothing, not even fun, can escape.

I really thought for a minute that Tommie was supposed to be wearing a bolo tie, but it turns out that it’s just a Victorian locket or something. Still, she is looking rather Old Western, and not in a good way.

Before I conclude, I do want to cast a look back at a couple of gems from last week. I certainly don’t mean this as a disparagement of Uncle Lumpy’s fine job filling in, but it’s just that he doesn’t necessarily share all of my incomprehensible comics obsessions, one of which is old people having sex.

Judge Parker and Crankshaft, 2/1/07

It was too slow-moving and pointless to cover here, but I always thought there was something a little odd in the interaction between Rachel and her regular butler (who now seems to be locked in his sickroom, totally forgotten) in the weeks leading up to Abbey and Neddy’s arrival in Paris. I don’t even want to know about the twisted power dynamics that go on in a sexual relationship between an old gazillionare biddy and her manservant. I do know that I love Rachel’s expression in panel two. It says, “Yeah, that’s right, you sexy young mulleted whippersnapper, I’m eighty years old and dying of cancer, but I’ve been gettin’ me some hot servant tail for decades, while you can’t even bed your own husband by wearing something low-cut and getting him boozed up!”

Crankshaft’s face, meanwhile, bears the ashen expression of a lonely widower who is suddenly reminded that he hasn’t felt the intimate touch of another human being in decades. That’s Crankshaft for you, which mainly serves to provide comic relief for Funky Winkerbean.

Finally, yesterday’s Watch Your Head had an amusing take on Curtis.

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Mary Worth, 1/16/07

Wow, so Mary’s arrived in Vietnam! And she’s managed to check into that country’s most cracker-tastic hotel! It looks like our bow-tie wearing desk clerk has only been Asian-ized thanks to a last-minute introduction of “sallow” by the coloring sweatshop gnomes, who are themselves no doubt based somewhere in Southeast Asia (though probably not Vietnam, as wages there are too high; I’m thinking Myanmar).

The happy Aryan couple in the background of panel two sure are excited to start their Vietnamese adventure; in fact, the redhead looks particularly excited, if you know what I mean. And I think you do.

Pluggers, 1/16/07

Sure, this is mainly a gentle pun on “overlook,” but I think it’s telling and hilarious just what it is Dog-Man is looking at over his reading glasses. He didn’t forget to buy milk and bread at the supermarket; he forgot to take the pill he needs to keep his ham-clogged circulatory system in something resembling working order. Because pluggers need expensive prescription medication in order to live.

Also, to the surprise of nobody, pluggers have trouble distinguishing between the plural and the possessive in writing. Pluggers, I think you might need some unwelcome education from Bob the Angry Flower.

Marvin, 1/16/07

Wow, remember last week, when Marvin was cracking wise about the massive dump he just took? Bet you never thought you’d look back on that and think it was classy and tasteful.

Mark Trail, 1/16/07

“Uh-oh, here comes your dad. He’s going to see the beaver!”

I … I don’t think there’s anything I can add to that.

Crankshaft, 1/16/07

Ha ha! Crankshaft is mad because he thinks that “lifestyle” is code for “gay”.