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Crock, 8/10/18

So, uh, seven years ago Bill Rechin, the creator of Crock, died, and then a year after that his son Kevin, who had taken over, said that continuing the strip made him depressed so he wasn’t going to do it anymore, and, uh, well, it’s 2018 now and Crock still appears on King Features’ website (and presumably in print newspapers, who can say, someone who still subscribes to a print newspaper, I guess) with “©2018” at the bottom, and I just have never really gotten a handle on whether they’re reruns or someone is still churning these out or what. What I’m saying is, it might’ve been just barely possible in 2011 to imagine that there was a living person who believed that “chat rooms” were a kind of online space that was common and that “Dear chat room” was a normal and believable way someone introduced themselves there. Today, though, when we have Facebook groups like “Carrion Eaters Discussion Group (Positive Vibes Only)” and subreddits like /r/eatersofthedead and probably darkweb sites where you can use bitcoin to buy meat at exactly the right level of rottedness for your needs — well, this strip needs to get with the times, is what I’m saying.

Family Circus, 8/10/18

Jeffy is at that developmental stage where he thinks that the ability to record language via writing is “hip” and “with it” but can’t actually read yet. I guess Big Daddy Keane was banking on at least one of the literate kids being with the younger ones at all times, forgetting what he ought to know deep in his bones: nobody wants to hang around with Jeffy.

Funky Winkerbean, 8/10/18

Because I hate myself, I actually dug through my archives to find the last wedding they had at Montoni’s, which was apparently back in 2014, although that was when Wally and Rachel tried to get married outdoors but were driven by a vengeful God into Northeast Ohio’s most depressing pizza parlor. Speaking of hating yourself, though, Cory and Rocky look to be actually contemplating using the family’s grease-stained sadness hole as their Plan A, possibly because it’s the only retail business in town still in business other than Komix Korner and they still have just the tiniest shred of dignity left.

Gasoline Alley, 8/10/18

“I always say — most of our material circumstances are determined by inherited wealth, and meritocracy is a lie!”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/10/18

THAT’S MY BOY! THIS IS THE HIGH POINT OF MY LIFE! MY MARRIAGE TO YOUR MOTHER, YOUR FIRST STEPS — ALL BULLSHIT! THIS IS THE BEST GAME OF PINBALL I’VE EVER PLAYED AND I’M GONNA SPEND MY FEW REMAINING YEARS WATCHING IT OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN, SO KEEP FILMING OR SO HELP ME GOD YOU’LL REGRET IT

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Gil Thorp, 6/27/18

So, I’ve mentioned this before, but Gil Thorp seems to be becoming increasingly unmoored from the rhythm of the school year, with baseball season stretching on interminably, wacky summer plots falling by the wayside, and the cleansing fall bonfire absent for the past two years. The result is that it’s almost July and we’re just now getting around to discussing Kevin Pelwecki’s college situation. Turns out that despite his amiably dopey exterior, he actually has middlingly decent good grades that got him accepted to the flagship state university of whatever state’s Milford’s in! Now I guess Gil’s going to dazzle State U’s baseball, or possibly football, coach with his fame to get Kevin a walk-on spot in the fall. Yay for Kevin! NOW LET’S BRING ON THE SUMMER, which will I guess be dominated by the headlines that a guy who killed a teen with his car isn’t a nice man.

Mark Trail, 6/27/18

I don’t know about you, but one of my longstanding fantasies is to watch a leering red-headed Ted Cruz try to flirt with an academic by asking about cutting-edge archaeological techniques, and that fantasy has now been … fulfilled, and it was everything I could’ve hoped for!

Crock, 6/27/18

That’s right, everyone: ladies all want to fuck the Batmobile! Only the syndicated newspaper comic strip Crock is brave enough to speak this truth, everyone else is too “politically correct.”

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Crock, 6/21/18

[extremely hack ’90s standup comedian voice] Hey, you guys, uh, you heard about this “Google”? They got all these crazy names for things on the Internet. [adjusts tie] It’s wild, man, it’s wild. Hey, what if there was some old wise man in a cave and it turned out he was just surfing the web using “Google”? [pats forehead with handkerchief] That’d be pretty crazy, huh?

Gasoline Alley, 6/21/18

Well, we’ve moved on from Slim’s erotic concussion and have started a new Gasoline Alley plot, about a centenarian with paranoid delusions about the personal care industry, and I’m not gonna lie: I am hooked.

Family Circus, 6/21/18

Look at those eyes! Look at that spittle! Listen to the unhinged ravings! Billy is in the middle of a full-on cookie mania, and it’s difficult to watch.

Hi and Lois, 6/21/18

WHEN YOU’VE COMMITTED A SIN SO GREAT THAT EVEN THE SUN ABANDONS YOU