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Mary Worth, 4/18/18

Ha ha ha oh my God they really are going to fire Wilbur, aren’t they? You know, I’ve heard some grumbling from some of you ingrates that Mary Worth has been spending too much energy on this Wilbur storyline, and all I can say is: how dare you. Do I want to see everything taken away from Wilbur, see him tormented by his sadistic creator, like a combovered Job for our modern age? I do. You’re damn right I do. Let me drink in his suffering! Ahhh, that’s it. That’s the stuff.

Pluggers, 4/18/18

I was going to make fun of this plugger here, but I then I remembered a couple weeks ago I was briefly convinced that I had a cancerous growth on my tongue but then after like 45 seconds or so I figured out it was just the shell of a popcorn kernel really glommed on, way in the back. I was going to at least feel smug that I didn’t need a medical professional to tell me this, but then I remembered a few months before that this spot on my gums had been bleeding and irritated and I figured my parents’ history of gum disease had finally caught up with me, but then I went to the dentist and he pulled out this huge sliver of popcorn kernel that had gotten wedged between my teeth for days, and then after that my gums were fine. I guess the lesson here is that I eat too much popcorn, but can you think of another cheap, delicious, and healthy snack I can make in just minutes in a countertop air popper? It’s worth all the drama!

Dennis the Menace, 4/18/18

“Ha ha, I’m kidding! Of course I am! It’s just … got any pills? Just a little something to take the edge off his ‘himself,’ if you follow me? Something I can put in his food? Something that would be poisonous if you put in a lot of it, but if you only put in a little it would just, like, slow him down a little bit? Remember, doc, you can’t spell ‘factitious disorder imposed on another, aka Munchausen syndrome by proxy’ without ‘freedom!’”

POSTSCRIPT: UPDATE TO TODAY’S PLUGGERS COMMENTARY: OH NOOOOOOO

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Dennis the Menace, 4/8/18

At first I was going to say “I can’t believe I actually have dedicated mental energy to this,” but obviously I have a blog about comic strips so it’s pretty obvious that I would dedicate mental energy to this, so let me pose the question to you, the reader: doesn’t Dennis’s grandpa look kind of off-model here? He usually doesn’t have glasses and his hair isn’t usually doing that in front and, perhaps most importantly, he usually looks kind of smug and self-assured, like he does here. Anyway, the reason I’m going through this whole thought process is that today’s strip never actually identifies this man as Dennis’s grandfather, which means that maybe he’s just some random old man feeding Dennis cookies for his own no doubt horrifying purposes, and who has been caught and punished in possibly the least effective manner possible.

Gasoline Alley, 4/8/18

Gasoline Alley isn’t always hip to the latest trends, but today it’s here to tell you that there’s a third dimension now! Crazy, right???? I’m mostly posting this comic to point out that Gasoline Alley is extremely scrupulous about respecting the intellectual property rights of Magic Eye, Inc., who, though they would appreciate being referred to, falsely, as “today’s rage,” would probably be angry if their brand name were put above the “puzzle” in the second-to-last column, not least because you can stare it all you want and nothing 3-D is going to happen inside your brain.

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Pluggers, 4/5/18

Are you an ordinary biological life form made of meat and bone? Are you trying to transcend those limitations by festooning your flesh-shell with baubles made of gold or jewels? Well, pluggers are way ahead of you. Pluggers are enhancing their bodies with metal and machinery, to become something greater, something powerful, something more. I honestly did not anticipate this new direction for Pluggers, but I am very much here for it.

Dennis the Menace, 4/5/18

Your mother is a young woman, Dennis, and probably sees her still-young child as a reflection of her own youth. Letting her know that you, who will almost certainly outlive her, already feel the icy breath of mortality on the back of your neck is menacing indeed.

Family Circus, 4/5/18

“What’s her angle? Is she plotting against me? Against us? Are we in a blood feud with grandma? I’ve been waiting for this day all my life.”