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Blondie and Dennis the Menace, 2/5/15

Characters in long-running comic strips exist in comic-book time, a fact that I’ve had fun with as recently as yesterday, so I certainly can’t fault the actual comics artists for playing around with it. I particularly enjoy the panels here that do purport to show earth-shaking changes — look, Blondie’s employed! Dagwood used to ride the bus, like a poor person! The Facebook logo in the first panel is rendered so lovingly that I suspect this is some of kind of cross-platform promotional deal going on.

At first I assumed that Dennis the Menace was playing the same sort of game here — look, Mr. Wilson is old in that picture, becuase he’s always been old! — but the line about “before you met me” really thew me. Dennis is young, guys. Like, he’s supposed to be seven, maybe eight, tops? Mr. Wilson is an old enough old man that he’d have been an old man seven years ago. Seven years is not very long. Dennis is younger than this blog. I’m old. I’m Mr. Wilson. Oh god, I’m so very, very old

Mark Trail, 2/5/15

Man, look how sad Mitchum and Justin look! They really weren’t prepared for the emotional journey they’re on right now. You know what they say: never go into business with anyone if you’d be real broken up when you eventually have to murder each other.

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Heathcliff, 1/28/15

I know, I just discussed this a few weeks ago, but for real, what is the deal with Heathcliff’s garbage? The city dump is filled entirely with great mounds of viscous, chunky brown trash-slurry, which no doubt quiver gelatinously and put out a horrifying odor that serves as a cat-aphrodisiac, much to the disgust of our garbage man and his cigar-sucking pal. Presumably this strip takes place only moments after they tossed an old tire and shopping cart up onto the goo-heap, in an attempt to pretend that what was happening on their watch wasn’t nightmarish and potentially human-extinction-causing.

Apartment 3-G, 1/28/15

Whew, Margo and her waitress are now … inside … somewhere … where there’s a bowl of pears and a TV and/or microwave and some coffee cups and hotel-quality art and dresser/cabinets of some sort and shall we call it a cafe? Sure, why not. Plus she’s finally got her breakfast. Eggs over easy, bacon, toast, pancakes, and apple pie, all mashed together into off-white chunks and put in a bowl, just the way she likes it!

Mary Worth, 1/28/15

OH SNAP SEAN JUST BACK-HANDEDLY PROPOSED TO HANNA!!!! This is probably the least romantic comics proposal since Anthony and Elizabeth came to the consensus that their friend-partnership should be upgraded way back in aught-eight. Nothing says “will you marry me” like “I know we haven’t talked about it yet but I’ve already been dreading what a pain in the ass our wedding is going to be”!

Dennis the Menace, 1/28/15

This mysterious woman with glasses and a clipboard, searching through kindergarten recess for signs of nonconformity, is the most menacing figure to appear in this strip in years.

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Mary Worth, 1/18/15

I am profoundly happy that today’s Mary Worth features a visual trope from Friday’s strip that I neglected to comment on: potato peeling. Today, this kitchen chore dovetails nicely with her inner monologue, which is even more gravid with self-regard than usual. “Some found Hanna dowdy … quiet … difficult … covered with a thick, unattractive peel. But I sliced away at that outer layer and revealed the attractive, delicious person inside, just waiting for the right man to love her. Me! I did this. God, are these potatoes fuckable or what?”

Panels from Dennis the Menace, 1/18/15

Is there any more menacing quality than a total and unapologetic lack of self-awareness?