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Hagar the Horrible, 7/1/14

Here’s a problem I sometimes have with my critical approach to Hagar the Horrible: my instinct in making jokes about it is to contrast the low-stakes domestic humor that drives most of the strip’s gags with the actual nightmarish bloodbath that was Viking society — and yet that contrast also sometimes seems to be the intended reading of the strip, and I feel that’s happening more and more often. Take Lucky Eddie, for instance: one of the core things that’s “funny” about him is that he’s a little too gentle to be a Viking warrior. So today, Hagar is having him kill an adorable rabbit that’s begging for its life, in hope of snuffing out that spark of human kindness within him and making him more effective at the murder and slaving that makes up the core of his job. This is one of the most traumatizing Hagar the Horribles I’ve read in years, is what I’m saying.

Wizard of Id, 7/1/14

Hey, remember when 300 was a popular movie, seven years ago? And there were lots of ripped mostly naked dudes in it? And remember when the 300 sequel came out, four months ago, and it was significantly less popular? Anyway, this is what the Wizard of Id creative team thinks an attractive muscular torso looks like, I guess.

Dennis the Menace, 7/1/14

Dennis is passive-aggressively slut-shaming Joey’s dog! I dub this … pretty menacing.

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Mary Worth, 6/22/14

Oops, here’s the real sad story behind Olive’s neglectful parents: they don’t have time to figure out how important li’l Olive’s visions are because they’re too busy having sex! Mary’s passive-aggressive criticism of this will be amazing.

Judge Parker, 6/22/14

Speaking of having sex, everyone in Judge Parker is about to have sex! I’d say this is survival sex, that the adrenaline that was pumping through everyone’s veins during the near-violet confrontation with the Gardia brother has left them all in a heightened and aroused state, but let’s be real: these are Spencer-Drivers-Parkers. They were never in any danger and they knew it.

Panels from Dennis the Menace, 6/22/14

I think … Dennis just taunted his dad for neglecting his mother, sexually? Not sexy at all, actually, but extremely menacing.

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Beetle Bailey, 6/7/14

Oh, look, it’s more fun on The Halftracks Hate Each Other Saturday! The joke here, I think, is that while the General might view his zany “KISS THE CHEF” apron as a marker of his laff-a-minute attitude towards life (and it did genuinely take me a minute to parse the idea that “KISS THE CHEF” is supposed to be “funny,” rather than just some kind of weird long-standing cliche), it only serves to remind his wife of his notorious roving eye and lack of affection for her. If that’s the joke, it would have worked better if the Halftracks had been hosting a cookout party of some sort and there were lots of party guests present, pretty ladies among them; we’ve never seen any such thing happen, presumably because the General’s entire social life consists of playing golf with his sycophantic mid-level officers, and his wife seems to have no friends to speak of. In the context of what we actually see here — which is to say, the General is grilling two hamburgers, because he and his wife are the only ones eating and are the only ones there — a more reasonable guess at the punchline would be that Mrs. Halftrack is repulsed by the idea of physical contact with her husband and rebelling against suggestions that she initiate it, though honestly that seems a little dark for this strip.

Dick Tracy, 6/7/14

So this slo-mo intermittent Dick Tracy-Little Orphan Annie crossover is still happening, I guess! Today, Daddy Warbucks is brazenly offering to straight-up bribe whatever city Dick patrols (Neo-Chicago?) so that the police department will assign its best officer to his particular case. He’s … supposed to be a good guy, I think?

Apartment 3-G, 6/7/14

At last, the setup promised by this strip has been realized! Anyway, if a deer and a horse can be friends, if by “be friends” you mean “be in proximity to each other for a few minutes while the deer is literally being held in place,” then sure, there is hope for us all, if by “there’s hope for us all” you mean “this alleged deer-horse relationship tells us nothing about the human condition or our potential for happiness or intimacy with our fellow beings.”

Dennis the Menace, 6/7/14

I mean, he’s making you dig your own grave, Dennis, so, probably! It’s not like you’ve got a lot more years to look forward to, if you catch my drift.