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Dennis the Menace, 7/19/12

So, it’s pretty obvious that Mr. Wilson thought up this “bratwurst”/”worst brat” thing several weeks ago. The question is, how hard has he worked to make this moment happen? Because I can guarantee that the all the pieces didn’t just fall into place by themselves. My guess is that he suggested brats for dinner as early as this morning, then moved the sausage to somewhere unlikely in the fridge sometime after lunch, and made a request for Martha to start dinner just as he spotted Dennis on his way over. Even with everything as contrived as that, he’s got to be pleased by how well he threaded the needle and delivered his long-awaited bon mot just as Dennis opened the door.

Slylock, 7/19/12

Hmm, so it seems that Slylock can throw various creatures in prison for petty crimes based on circumstantial evidence, but when it comes to corporate pollution that could sicken thousands, all he can do is stand on the other side of the lake and watch the poison rise into the air. Perhaps his world and ours aren’t so different from one another? Except for the whole terrifying anthropomorphic animal thing, obviously.

Mother Goose and Grimm, 7/19/12

Do you enjoy solving Sudoku™ number puzzles, either in your local newspaper or in puzzle books you can buy at local bookstores and hobby shops? Well, now when you engage in this pastime, you’ll be thinking about the Sudoku puzzles having drunken sex with one another. Sorry!

Curtis, 7/19/12

Remember, the only thing Curtis likes more than money is serving his Demonic Majesty, Satan, Lord of Lies.

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Spider-Man, 7/12/12

There are several reasons why I’m boycotting the new Amazing Spider-Man movie. (Remember kids, when you’re an Important Public Figure like me, “don’t feel like seeing” becomes “boycotting.”) For one thing, the first installment of the Sam Raimi-directed series came out when I was a gainfully employed adult, which means that it couldn’t have been long ago enough for a reboot, because what, do I look old to you? Do I?? But, more importantly, the new movie is, for incomprehensible reasons, completely J. Jonah Jameson-free. Maybe it’s because the filmmakers decided that nobody could top J.K. Simmons’ interpretation of the character, or maybe it’s because they’re morons, because J. Jonah Jameson is the best thing about the Spideyverse and even his ill-drawn newspaper version is hilarious. Is he “raising the roof” to signify his grudging concession of a living wage to his freelancers in panel two? Haha, JJJ FOREVER. If you miss him in the movies, you can follow him on Twitter.

Dennis the Menace, 7/12/12

Whoa, let’s not be hasty, Dennis. How do you know he’s not both? Are you saying that vampires lack the sense of impartiality and fair play necessary to be good umpires? Prejudice is the real menace in today’s society, Dennis.

Apartment 3-G, 7/12/12

That weird white quarter-circle at the bottom of panel two — that’s … that’s supposed to be Nina’s ass, isn’t it? You know, if you find yourself troubled by unwanted erotic thoughts about extremely pregnant women and would like to put a stop to them using aversion therapy, today’s Apartment 3-G would be a great place to start.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/8/12

Ha ha, Rex, even when you’re sort of doing the right thing, you’re being a dick! I’d like to think that he let a long, unpleasant silent moment go by after saying “It’s already gone, Iris! I cashed it on the way home,” just so everyone could imagine what was coming next — “I bought $25,000 worth of wax for that powerboat that we were just randomly given three or four storylines back” — before finally admitting that he’s giving it back to Iris and Foster’s body, because honestly, what would Rex even do with a paltry five-figure sum, am I right? Nice of him to throw some money at Mabel so she isn’t bankrupted by the false criminal charges against her, but isn’t the reason she was so desperate about the money is that she’s been saddled with all of Foster’s old gambling debts? Too bad for her, Foster needs the fanciest coffin money can buy, and Iris needs to pay a guerrilla marketing agency to “build buzz” for her film script! Look, she’s already posing for her publicity photo.

Meanwhile, good job on everyone concerned for not considering the tax consequences here: A $25,000 inheritance would have been well below the threshold for the estate tax, but it’s high enough to trigger the gift tax, so some of that money’s going to Uncle Sam. Note that when I say “good job” I’m not being sarcastic. I’d much rather this money be spent on corn subsidies and sacrilegious art and flying death robots than on whatever any of these clowns have planned for it.

Panels from Dennis the Menace, 7/8/12

In these throwaway panels, Dennis may not actually be menacing, but at least he’s giving off a pretty menacing vibe. He’s practicing for true menace later on, like when he sassily responds to criticism by waggling a pistol or severed hand or something.

Panel from Mary Worth, 7/8/12

By popular demand, Mary Worth brings you “Wilbur Weston: The Total Immersive Experience.” Sadly, comics technology has not yet advanced to the point where you can smell him, so you’ll have to take our word for it that he’s redolent of scalp polish and ham.