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Mary Worth, 5/15/12

Wow, so the “Mary is summoned to Gina and Bobby’s surprise wedding, which goes off without a hitch” storyline lasted only three weeks, which has to be some kind of Shortest Mary Worth Storyline record. What could the point of it have been? Was it entertaining in and of itself, even by the fairly low standard of “entertainment” that we can expect from Mary Worth? No! Were we all desperate for closure on the “Gina and Bobby have been reunited and are 100% certifiably in love” plot? Most definitely not! But could their successful reunion and healthy emotional lives serve as a counterpoint to the misery and loneliness that will always afflict the sad and hilarious Weston clan? Now you’re talking!

I feel comfortable telling you (because you all know what a monster I am) that panel two of today’s strip — in which a shlubby, sad Wilbur, combover askew and chest hair on display, slouches away from his daughter, who begs an unfeeling God for mercy — prompted my biggest laugh from the comics so far this week. What might be the source of Dawn’s soul-wrenching sadness? I mean, based on Wilbur’s facial expression and the heartfelt nature of her cry, you’d think it was that Wilbur just told her that they’ve contracted father-daughter cancer and have only six agonizingly painful months to live, but probably it’s just that some boy was mean to her on Twitter.

Dennis the Menace, 5/15/12

“Huh, a little boy running in terror from an enraged, violent adult? Enh, not my problem! I think I’ll just stand here trying to figure out what order to put these three blank index cards in.”

Mark Trail, 5/15/12

HELPFUL CRIME TIP: If you’ve been arrested for murder, and you absolutely must admit to an incident in which you physically assaulted the person who was later killed, try not to get a faraway look in your eye or let a little smile play on your lips, thus making it clear to all what a fond memory this is for you.

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Judge Parker, 5/11/12

Whoops, Avery Blackstone isn’t some WASPy villain bringing danger and intrigue into our heroes’ lives! No, he’s going to inconvenience them, by bringing them money. People showing up unannounced to hand sizable checks to Judge Parker protagonists that they did nothing to earn are honestly one of the primary drivers of drama in this strip.

Dennis the Menace, 5/11/12

Mr. Wilson likes his nap time because that brief moment of obliteration of consciousness reminds him that someday he’ll finally enjoy death’s sweet embrace, and he enjoys Dennis’s because it reminds him that Dennis too will someday die.

Mark Trail, 5/11/12

Aw, now that Rusty knows that he’s been abandoned, again, he’s not even bothering trying to look halfway nonhideous anymore, but just going straight out with the “demonically possessed ventriloquist dummy” look, complete with hair stained red with the blood of his victims. Later, Mark goes and confers with an honest lawman whose job is to put people in prison if all the evidence is against them, unless they’re friends of Mark Trail, in which case he’ll just violate any and all confidentiality rules and spill his guts about everything!

Gasoline Alley, 5/11/12

Speaking of demons, what started out as a vaguely cute Gasoline Alley story about Slim and Clovia taking in a mischievous orphaned kitten has turned into a harrowing fable about good and evil and free will, with the cat being tormented by a sinister feline devil who is constantly forcing him to do awful things. Today, the cat begs to be absolved for the evil it’s done. But is the demon-cat a supernatural outside force, or just the representation of his own untrammeled id?

Marmaduke, 5/11/12

Speaking of demons, Marmaduke’s war against God isn’t going well.

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Dennis the Menace, 4/12/12

Yes, ha ha, Dennis tried to annoy Mr. Wilson while Mr. Wilson was going to the bathroom and Mrs. Wilson actually prevented this from happening for once. But wouldn’t it be a million times more awesome if Mr. Wilson had actually snapped and decided he was one of history’s more obscure kings (Louis XI of France, say, known to his people as “the Universal Spider”), had purchased a throne on eBay, and was currently sitting on it in his living room, barking out deranged orders to his nonexistent subjects? It would be a million times more menacing than anything Dennis had ever done, unless you count Dennis’ undoubted contribution to his insanity as the root menacing cause of the situation.

Luann, 4/12/12

In case you’re wondering, Luann has taken a break from its queasy-making storylines about teen sexuality in order to treat us to a queasy-making storyline in which Crystal tries to pee while Knute and Gunther stand right next to her stall and Gunther admires her shoes. (You may consider this to in fact be yet another queasy-making storyline about teen sexuality, but for reasons of my own mental health I am trying very hard not to do so.)

Mark Trail, 4/12/12

“Wait, no, that emphasis is kind of stilted, right? Let me try … ‘We are already here — surprise!’ Yeah, that sounds much more naturalistic. OK, mister, can you say your sentence again? Try to still act surprised when I yell surprise, it makes it more fun.”

Shoe, 4/12/12

“Ha ha, get it, because old people are old, like fossils are old? Old people? Ha ha? Seriously, though, I’m having lots of trouble pooping, so hand over the prune juice pronto.”

Ziggy, 4/12/12

The Home Shopping Network is a for-profit business whose margins depend on its operators taking customers’ payment information as efficiently as possible. They can’t afford to talk to sad, hairless gnome-men calling just because they’re lonely and need to hear another human being’s voice.