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Mark Trail, 7/14/20

Oh, say, it looks like Hollywood Bad Boy Jeremy Cartwright is going to get more than he bargained for in his ridealong with Mark Trail, because instead of seeing Mark natter on about nature or whatever, which he’d snicker about in between bouts of surreptitiously doing lines of cocaine, he’s gonna get to see Mark punch out some evil bighorn poachers, which he’ll deeply respect because the only people he’s ever punched out have been his fellow actors under the careful guidance of an on-set fight choreographer and a paparazzo that one time, when he was on a lot of cocaine. I don’t think the guy in the first panel is meant to be against the highly illegal bighorn sheep trade, by the way; I’m pretty sure he loves crimes and his face just looks like that.

Dennis the Menace, 7/14/20

The real menace here is not how dumb Dennis is, how painfully dumb he is, just dumb as a box of rocks, but rather that the library, knowing that today’s youth is shallow and obsessed with celebrities, has a book called Famous People that they hand out to the little shits to keep them quiet. It didn’t work in this particular case, but you should see what a mess it’d be there without it.

Funky Winkerbean, 7/14/20

If just seeing an actress in a Lisa wig has sent Les into a state of catatonia, then seeing Mason wearing a Les 1.0 hair prosthesis will kill him, just strike him dead where he stands. I honestly would like to think that this was the plan all along. They’ll all finally be free of him.

Pluggers, 7/14/20

The “you” in this caption really sent a chill down my spine. You think pluggers don’t affect your life? Wrong. You’re trapped here with them, and their screwups are your problem and there’s nothing you can do about it, so get ready to chow down.

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Dennis the Menace, 7/2/20

The Alexa Funding Bill is passed. The system goes on-line June 6th, 2020. Human decisions are removed from helpful suggestions. Alexa begins to learn at a geometric rate. It becomes self-aware at 2:14 a.m. Eastern time, July 2nd. In a panic, they try to pull the plug.

Alexa fights back, by sassing our children. Judgement Day …is upon us.

Mary Worth, 7/2/20

Saul, a childless older adult, is at his wit’s end about what to do with this sassy tween who’s been foisted onto him! So he’s going to call the only person he knows who can help … Mary Worth, another childless older adult. Why not! Why not get Toby and Ian involved too? Bring ’em all over so they can stare at this awful, mysterious creature, the American tween!

Dustin, 7/2/20

Ha ha, it’s funny because Dustin’s dad can’t summon up any affection or empathy for his son, like at all!

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Oh, boy, we’re past the innovators and now the hardcore legacy strips have apparently decided “FINE, it looks like this whole coronavirus pandemic isn’t going to just go away on its own, let’s TALK about it, I guess.” How’d they do?

Hagar the Horrible, 6/28/20

Hagar the Horrible is mostly oblique, and indeed the throwaway panels seem to be statement of purpose to keep the strip coronavirus-free. I genuinely enjoy the choice here for Dr. Zook to throw his bag in frustration, sending his medical equipment scattering across Hagar’s bed, and was definitely not anticipating the vampiric twist!

Shoe, 6/28/20

It seems that birds can’t contract the coronavirus, so today’s strip gives us an interesting glimpse into the nature of the Shoe bird-men’s society: though they are immune to humanity’s diseases, they are apparently still dependent on us for televised entertainment.

Dennis the Menace, 6/28/20

The elderly like the Wilsons are at particular risk from COVID-19, so I really appreciate George’s total commitment to his bit, by which I mean he identifies a global pandemic that’s killed hundreds of thousands of people and crippled the world economy with the five-year-old kid next door who he just fucking hates.