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Slylock Fox, 3/9/15

It’s clear that the sapient animals of Slylock Fox used the ruined detritus of our civilization as the building blocks for theirs — why else would that owl judge be wearing a black robe, or that bird juror a necktie? But clearly the cultural material they drew from had gaps. For instance, despite today’s near omnipresence of the Law and Order franchise, apparently not a single episode survived for the entertainment of the triumphant beasts, because otherwise they’d know that the law enforcement apparatus consists of two separate yet equally important groups: the police, who investigate crime; and the district attorneys, who prosecute the offenders. Instead, they have Slylock fulfilling both these roles, and additionally providing entertainment to courtrooms when cases are so open-and-shut as to be boring. Even Shady Shrew is enjoying the performance. “Heh heh, it’s the sun! They’re never going to guess it! Oh, soon I’ll be back in prison, where my freedom of action is restricted but life has an order and structure I’ve never been able to create for myself on the outside. I guess that’s probably why I stole that lady’s bike off her porch in broad daylight.” Anyway, once Slylock’s done here, he’ll head over to a lawsuit involving a doctor whose husband was killed and son terribly injured in a car crash.

Mark Trail, 3/9/15

Ooh, is this Mark Trail storyline going to be about the importance of a work ethic and self-reliance? “Our young beaver knows that support a family, he’ll need to industriously build a dam, using nothing but his teeth, paws, and gumption. Meanwhile, Littlefoot grows fat on the Trail family’s handouts and refuses to even do basic foraging for himself.”

Momma, 3/9/15

Ha ha, it’s funny because Momma’s emotional world is so twisted that her idea of a happy home is one in which her children have gathered together so she can make them all feel bad about themselves! Also, hashtags are … a thing that exists, I guess?

Family Circus, 3/9/15

NO, LADY, DON’T LET HIM TAKE OFF THIS MITTENS AND TOUCH YOU WITH HIS GROSS CLAMMY GERMY SKIN, IT’S A TRAAAAAAP

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Dennis the Menace, 3/5/15

As a Ginger-American, I spend a lot of time wishing for more positive depictions of my people in the media. Sure, we have the Weasely family, but that’s about it. Thus, I was actively angered when I saw that today’s Dennis the Menace indulged in the sad, stereotypical depiction of redheads as angry, sullen drunks. You know what the real menace is, Dennis? Intolerance.

Hagar the Horrible, 3/5/15

It’s not so much that Hagar doesn’t like tea as he doesn’t respect the property rights of settled agricultural folk who live in castles, Eddie. For now, you’re part of his war-band, and so he considers you a friend and ally. But as soon as you form a marriage-tie to the ruling class of settled, civilized Europe, you become an enemy to any self-respecting Viking who dreams only of bringing plunder back to his family and retainers on the continent’s northern fringes. Inviting Hagar in to your inherited home will mean signing your own death warrant.

Shoe, 3/5/15

We all love the patented Shoe Goggle Eyes Of Horror, of course, but almost as charming are their complement, the patented Shoe Heavy Lids Of Despair. They’re particularly grim to see on the face of ostensible child Skyler, whose youthful love of life has long been crushed under the unshakeable compulsion to answer straightforward questions in school with terrible, unfunny wordplay. “His friends wanted to make sure he got the point,” Skyler says, hating himself. “Eh? Eh? Get it? Because he was stabbed to death?”

Spider-Man, 3/5/15

I was kind of meh on this storyline for a while, but everything that’s happened after Mysterio was captured has been pure comedy gold. Today, the fiend manages to break free from captivity and … runs six feet to attempt to make a dumb point about Spider-Man’s secret identity! Then he stands around like a jerk while the cop trots over to arrest him again!

Family Circus, 3/5/15

“Yeah, I gazed at the wonder of creation, saw otherworldly sights that have moved the hearts of men for centuries. Turns out the moon’s pretty lame! What’s on TV?”

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Panel from Slylock Fox, 3/1/15

Look, I mean, she’s a witch, right? She doesn’t subscribe to your ideas of Western science and medicine, but she she has a broom that can fly. So maybe she squeezed some (presumably sapient and terrified) jellyfish over a cauldron and some liquid came out and she called it “blood,” incorrectly! The woman has powers. I would definitely pay good money for her immortality serum.

Marvin, 3/1/15

no

NO

do NOT let Marvin know that urine can be used as a communications method

for the love of all that’s holy

Family Circus, 3/1/15

In retrospect, letting the Keane Kids watch A Clockwork Orange turned out to be a mistake on a number of levels.