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Mary Worth, 7/31/15

Uh oh, looks like Ian’s plan to have Toby cook his boss dinner has hit its first snag: Toby has no desire to cook Ian’s boss dinner! That’s because Toby is not some young trophy wife who lounges around the condo pool gossipping with Mary all day while living off her husband’s posh academic salary; she’s an artist who Ian snatched away from the Greenwich Village scene to sterile southern California exurbia, and her creative urges still need an outlet. It appears that she’s moved away from the tiny paintings of her New York days to a new medium: tiny sculptures lovingly crafted then put on a shelf in her studio to be admired by nobody. Actually, that white lab coat makes her look more like a scientist, and she appears to be sculpting a tiny replica of Blucifer, the giant horse statue with glowing red eyes outside Denver Airport that literally killed its creator, so maybe she’s doing research on how to harness its evil powers. Better take Hilton out to dinner Ian! Better take him out to dinner … forever.

Dennis the Menace, 7/31/15

“The meaning here is that he’s literally wrecking our home, to be specific. He’s not breaking up a marriage by seducing anyone’s spouse, which is the usual meaning of the phrase. Just wanted to be really clear on that. Why would I even bring that up? He’s a child! I, uh, I really should walk this back, shouldn’t I.”

Family Circus, 7/31/15

The best part of this installment in the current “Keanes go to Disney World” sequence isn’t that Billy is being a moron; it’s that he seems to be all by himself, far from the hubbub of the main areas of the park. It’s as if his parents lured him to this out-of-the-way section, said, “Look, Billy, it says ‘PUSH’ in big letters! It’s very important that someone push it!”, and then ran away as soon as he was distracted.

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Family Circus, 7/21/15

Fifty weeks out of the year, the fine folks at Team Family Circus bring you wholesome jokes beneath drawings of children. This is them telling us they’re on vacation, dammit.

Beetle Bailey, 7/21/15

I’ve always suspected that for Sarge, beating down Beetle was an end in itself rather than an attempt at discipline, and here he flat-out admits it. But it’s sad how bored and disengaged he looks in the second panel there. “No, I don’t care about the nap.” you can hear him say, “Beatings — of the prescribed duration and intensity — are what I do. They have become who I am. But lately I don’t even care about the beatings. As soon as I’m done here, I’ll go weep into my food.”

Phantom, 7/21/15

OK, so Kipawa here has challenged Guran for chief of the Bandar, which really irritates Guran trufans Kit Jr. and Heloise. Now we all know Guran is going to pull some mysterious win-by-losing BS out from under that manskirt of his so don’t worry. But what’s with the dress code for these Bandar events? We usually see the kids in loose-fitting Bandar-style thong ‘n’ sarong outfits, but they put on Gap to visit the tribe? I mean, Dad hasn’t even changed from his work outfit (never changes it so ripe ugh poor Diana).

— Uncle Lumpy

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Crankshaft, 7/13/15

Golf is one of those things that I simply don’t get. I don’t get the appeal of watching it or playing it. Which is fine! I certainly don’t object to anyone else enjoying themselves watching or playing it. It’s just one of those things, like S&M and Mad Men, that I’m happy so many people derive enjoyment from but that isn’t for me.

The somewhat irritating thing, though, is that, unlike S&M (but like Mad Men), a lot of people who are into golf think that everyone is into golf, that golf is a universal cultural touchstone, and that anyone who isn’t into golf is weird or suspicious. This is certainly true of syndicated newspaper comics, where golf jokes abound and presumably sail over the head of most of the children who are the ostensible targets for a lot of comics, along with non-golf-mad adults like me.

This is an overly wordy way for me to set up the fact that it took me a while to remember, based on my one or two visits to actual golf courses, that those big white spheroids are things that mark where you’re supposed to tee off or something, and the joke is that Crankshaft needs new glasses. I’m still not sure about this, actually, because I can’t figure out what to Google other than “big white spheroids that mark where you’re supposed to tee off” and that’s not producing useful results, but I’m pretty sure I’m right. But before I figured that out I was a pretty baffled as to (a) what was going on and (b) what “prescription” Crankshaft’s friend was talking about. Was it a metaphor for … testicles? Does Crankshaft need a new prescription because his testicles are all swole up, and about to hurt like someone just hit them with a golf club? Is this an old man thing? Is this what I have to look forward to as I age, testicle-wise? You can see why I’m pretty invested in the interpretation of the joke I eventually settled on.

Beetle Bailey, 7/13/15

With gay people now allowed to serve openly in America’s military, the transgressive thrill is gone from Beetle and Sarge’s relationship, and Beetle has moved on to something new that makes him feel sexy and dangerous: bed-fucking.

Family Circus, 7/13/15

I don’t know what I find funnier here: how irritated Big Daddy Keane looks or how smug Billy looks. You kids won’t be smirking once your dad narcs you out to LucasFilm and you find yourself on the receiving end of a massive trademark infringement lawsuit!

Herb and Jamaal, 7/13/15

Life is violent and uncertain! You could die horribly at any moment! Why not reveal your repressed erotic feelings to the ones you love the most? There’s no time left to lose!

Lockhorns, 7/13/15

Please tell me there’s literally a line of greeting cards you can send to your enemies where you wish the eternal damnation of divine punishment upon them! “Some theologians say that the true torture in hell is separation from God/ Well here’s God/ and here’s you/ Look how far away you are/ Writhe in the eternal darkness/ Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha”

Marvin, 7/13/15

I was going to question the credentials of a doctor who goes around wearing bunny ears, but this guy seems to believe that Marvin has a severe and possibly fatal medical condition, so let’s hear what he has to say!