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Heathcliff, 11/11/14

There’s a lot of things I love about today’s Heathcliff. There is, for instance, the fact that Heathcliff’s owner-grandpa apparently has a blonde toupee that we’ve never seen before; the fact that Heathcliff holds this toupee in such low regard that he dug it out of whatever dark closet it’s been hidden away in for years in order to show everyone exactly what he thinks of it; and the fact that everyone seems to recognize that putting the toupee on a football and then spiking that is meant as a public display of contempt. But my favorite part is the little fist-pump Heathcliff’s owner-child is making as he watches this ritualistic act. “You spike that toupee-football, Heathcliff,” he seems to be thinking to himself. “You spike it. You show that thing. It sucks.”

Beetle Bailey, 11/11/14

Don’t be too quick to thank a soldier today, America: you could be talking to one of the really shitty ones! This is your Veteran’s Day message from Beetle Bailey, America’s foremost military-themed comic strip.

Family Circus, 11/11/14

A true sociopath, who is unable to feel any real empathy for another human being, is likely to view emotional interactions as purely transactional, and those transactions as an opportunity for power plays. Thus little Jeffy has become an emotional mafioso, darkly reminding his mother than she hasn’t paid up in full when it comes to affection and that he’ll be coming by to collect his due later.

Mary Worth, 11/11/14

Nice try, Mary! While you’re distracted and nattering on about how you’ll chauffer Hanna around for the next three years, she’s secretly moved the steering wheel over to her side of the car and is now driving you! You’ll never stop her from driving! Never!

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Family Circus, 11/6/14

The idea that one is constantly being closely observed and assessed by others is known within psychology circles as the “imaginary audience”. It’s common in children, but if it lingers into adolescence it’s generally considered a variety of diagnosable narcissism. Frankly, I think it’s about time for Billy to grow out of it; instead, his own inborn egotism, fed by a steady diet of for-profit media, has led him to the delusion that not only is his dull life fascinating to the faceless millions watching his every move, but that his antics are somehow amusing enough for someone to actually buy ad time against them.

Mother Goose and Grimm, 11/6/14

I mean, sure, if you’re going to predicate your strip on the idea that dogs are sapient to the extent that they talk and hire psychotherapists, why stop there? Why only dogs? Why not the fleas that live on the talking dog’s skin and feast on its blood — why can’t these parasitic creatures also think and reason and talk, their incessant chatter banging around the edges of Grimm’s consciousness? And why stop at the fleas? What about the microbes that live on the fleas? Why shouldn’t all the individual cells making up the fleas and the dogs and the therapists have their own thoughts and feelings and opinions? Why shouldn’t be the world be a baffling, terrifying blur of murmuring consciousness, a quicksand of souls pulling us into whirling chaos?

Momma, 11/6/14

Ugh, that got a little heavy, didn’t it? Here’s today’s Momma as a palate-cleanser. Ha ha, it’s funny because Momma and her sons are literally the last people in America who don’t have a calling plan with unlimited voice minutes!

Pluggers, 11/6/14

Desperate to maintain readership, Pluggers will now only offer comic panels that can be easily misconstrued as something so horrifying that you have to read the caption to reassure yourself that the world is still a sane place.

Apartment 3-G, 11/6/14

This is gasp-worthy news! On the one hand, Margo loves her mother and wants to do right by her; on the other hand, Margo is not very good at planning weddings, just like she’s not very good at all the other glamorous-sounding consulting businesses she’s set up and abandoned over the years. Fortunately, if this week’s strips are any indication, Margo can just arrange to have the wedding inside some dowdy apartment and tell her parents it’s New York’s most fashionable restaurant.

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Family Circus, 10/23/14

For all its various crimes against taste, humor, and narrative sense, the Family Circus at least treats its pets fairly realistically. Sam, Barfy, and Kittycat don’t exchange wisecracks with the kids in thought balloon form like, say, the dogs in Marvin; they are instead mostly ignored by the children except for when they’re being tormented, which strikes me as an accurate portrayal. Anyway, that all ends today with this terrifying depiction of Kittycat’s facial expression, which proves that he’s definitely in league with Satan, and is perhaps possessed by the Lord of Lies himself. Presumably when the poor creature rejected baptism in the name of Christ, he created a space within himself where the Devil could get in. Now the demon-controlled cat body still purrs in evil joy, even though his heart stopped beating long ago

Funky Winkerbean, 10/23/14

Funky Winkerbean is taking a break from death-terror and gross romance to give us a lighthearted sequence of Les and Funky on their morning jog. (Funky hates jogging but has to get in better shape so he doesn’t die of a massive heart attack, so it’s not a complete break from death-terror, I guess.) Anyway, Les takes this private moment to gently let his friend know that he hasn’t been meeting the pun quota set for every Funkyverse character. “Oh, crap,” thinks Funky. “Uh … it’s a running panter? Panter? Get it, it’s like banter but I’m panting?” Les smirks his approval.

Curtis, 10/23/14

Who can forget those great slang phrases of yore, like “Answer your telephone: ‘This doesn’t concern you!'” Or “I believe the message boy from Western Union is at your door with a telegram: ‘Your opinion is irrelevant!'” Or “A courier from the King has arrived at your castle, bearing a scroll sealed with the royal signet: ‘I don’t need your advice!'” I mean, this strip isn’t up-to-the-minute like Blondie, so we didn’t get a real cutting-edge phrase like “You might want to check your Twitter DMs: ‘Don’t stick your nose where it doesn’t belong!'” But this is still a good approximation of how the kids talk, A+ job.

Marvin, 10/23/14

Marvin has been farting out aggressive, mindless defiance literally since the day he was born.