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Wizard of Id, 11/17/14

Happy 50th birthday, Wizard of Id! You’ve spent half a century churning out quasi-medieval whimsy to the delight of several, and show no signs of stopping, so by all means let your mildly beloved characters pause and take a bow. Many of today’s other strips also paid tribute to this testament of syndicated comics longevity!

Mother Goose and Grimm, 11/17/14

Mother Goose and Grimm decided to celebrate Wizard of Id’s penchant for using the literal torture of human beings as a punchline. I was going to say that torture was “a big part of the Wizard of Id brand” but that was a little uncomfortably on the nose.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 11/17/14

Looks like all this devilish wizardry in the newspaper is tempting Hootin’ Holler’s youth into lives of service to satan! This is what you get when the federal gummint overstretches its reach to outlaw local traditions like stoning blasphemers.

Family Circus, 11/17/14

The Family Circus rather ungraciously implies that the strip is best enjoyed by babies and other illiterates.

Blondie, 11/17/14

Meanwhile, Dagwood doesn’t even bother to acknowledge the cake-gratulations (I JUST INVENTED THAT, © AND ™ JOSH FRUHLINGER, DO NOT STEAL) this bakery is offering because he’s so focused on buying his wife precisely the gift that he wants to eat.

Hi and Lois, 11/17/14

Finally, the Wiz looms in the background in panel two here as some sort of pop art painting, as Chip realizes that his parents’ dysfunctional marriage will forever compromise his ability to love.

Some strips did bravely ignore this important industry anniversary, however:

Judge Parker, 11/17/14

Our heroes in Judge Parker have decided to hunker down and get as drunk as possible, in the hopes that once they sober up all their problems will have resolved themselves.

Funky Winkerbean, 11/17/14

And Funky Winkerbean promises that the next week will consist entirely of hardcore Bushka family sex scenes. Stay tuned!

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Shoe, 11/13/14

It’s a well-known technique among schoolchildren everywhere: if you don’t know the answer, just dazzle ’em with some prokaryote erotica.

Mary Worth, 11/13/14

OK, so, the whole point of this storyline is that Mary has deemed Hanna no longer competent to drive and is now browbeating her into making significant lifestyle changes as a result. And yet look at panel one. This is one of the worst parking jobs I’ve ever seen. Mary has thrown her car diagonally across this admittedly enormous parking space willy-nilly, and in panel two is just unbuckling her seatbelt like she thinks it’s good enough. It’s super not good enough, Mary. BAN MARY FROM DRIVING ANYWHERE FOREVER.

Family Circus, 11/13/14

I like how profoundly angry Jeffy looks at being forced to breathe in some of (presumably) Mommy’s perfume and appreciate it as it’s meant to be appreciated. No, he seems to be saying, I will not and never will experience puberty! I will be a filth-covered little melonheaded urchin for eternity within the Protective Circle. Adulthood means change. Adulthood means death.

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Heathcliff, 11/11/14

There’s a lot of things I love about today’s Heathcliff. There is, for instance, the fact that Heathcliff’s owner-grandpa apparently has a blonde toupee that we’ve never seen before; the fact that Heathcliff holds this toupee in such low regard that he dug it out of whatever dark closet it’s been hidden away in for years in order to show everyone exactly what he thinks of it; and the fact that everyone seems to recognize that putting the toupee on a football and then spiking that is meant as a public display of contempt. But my favorite part is the little fist-pump Heathcliff’s owner-child is making as he watches this ritualistic act. “You spike that toupee-football, Heathcliff,” he seems to be thinking to himself. “You spike it. You show that thing. It sucks.”

Beetle Bailey, 11/11/14

Don’t be too quick to thank a soldier today, America: you could be talking to one of the really shitty ones! This is your Veteran’s Day message from Beetle Bailey, America’s foremost military-themed comic strip.

Family Circus, 11/11/14

A true sociopath, who is unable to feel any real empathy for another human being, is likely to view emotional interactions as purely transactional, and those transactions as an opportunity for power plays. Thus little Jeffy has become an emotional mafioso, darkly reminding his mother than she hasn’t paid up in full when it comes to affection and that he’ll be coming by to collect his due later.

Mary Worth, 11/11/14

Nice try, Mary! While you’re distracted and nattering on about how you’ll chauffer Hanna around for the next three years, she’s secretly moved the steering wheel over to her side of the car and is now driving you! You’ll never stop her from driving! Never!