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Family Circus, 1/14/14

Even though the hairstyle/mustache combo marks this out as a probable rerun from the ’70s, I have a hard time remembering ever seeing a gentleman engaged in educating the Family Circus youth before. It does seem to undermine the Natural Gender Order, which is obviously troubling! Still, today we learn why male teachers (or, as I call them, “malechers”) may actually help reach kids in ways that more typical lady-teachers can’t: Billy feels comfortable telling this guy, man-to-man, that he isn’t really very smart.

Heathcliff, 1/14/14

Let’s ignore the horror of a clearly sapient creature begging his current owner to not callously sell him to some monstrous stranger and instead ask: since Heathcliff clearly has no problem with being this pirate’s sidekick, what’s the parrot’s problem? Perhaps the pirate’s lack of a peg-leg marks him out as a poseur upon whose shoulder no self-respecting parrot would deign to sit.

Mary Worth, 1/14/14

Ken thinks that if he just arranges enough scenarios in which Mary to falls into peril from which she can only be saved by handsome actor Ken Kensington, she’ll eventually have to submit to his advances! But will she instead come to the conclusion that New York is a dangerous death trap? “Hmm, Jeff’s never saved my life … but then again, Jeff’s never had to save my life!” You’re playing a dangerous game, Kensington!

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Family Circus, 12/19/13

I’m really enjoying Big Daddy Keane’s facial expression in this panel. That’s the look of a man who could not possibly give fewer shits about elves. He was willing to play along and list all the reindeer — that was a tradition, after all — but if this kid thinks the two of them are going to sit around and try to remember the names of, like, Legolas’s brothers or whatever, he’s got another thing coming. This explains his awkward hand placement as well: originally he was planning on picking Jeffy up and carrying him around, but if the kid’s on another one of his damn elf kicks, Daddy will be gingerly putting him down and slowly backing away.

Crankshaft, 12/19/13

Traumatized by the looming prospect of genuine emotional intimacy with another human being, Crankshaft sits alone, getting blotto. Did you know when a character in a comic strip gets super drunk not from drinking alcohol but rather from eating rum-soaked cookies, it’s hilarious, not sad? Crankshaft knows this!

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Judge Parker, 12/15/13

Oh hey remember the overly nice concierge who aggressively helped Judge Parker Senior with his terrible screenplay? (Side note: the Parkers have been on this hell cruise since July, Jesus.) Anyway, she’s now been replaced by a “fantastic” computer program, so we’ll need no more of her creative input! She’ll be perfectly happy with whatever loose hundos Alan had floating around in his wallet, plus a “small writer’s credit,” and hahahahaha if he thinks that there’s any such thing as a “small writer’s credit” or that he gets to decide who gets one. Hope you enjoy endless lawsuits and/or WGA mediation sessions, Alan!

Family Circus, 12/15/13

Re: “rapping his presence”: Obviously it’s ludicrous that a seven-year-old in 2013 would think “rapping” means “criticizing” and not “hip-hop vocals.” But still, I think we can all be thankful that the Family Circus has chosen not to depict some form of terrifying holiday-themed Christian praise rap.

Panel from Slylock Fox, 12/15/13

oh no Shady Shrew has mastered inception, we’re all done for