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Family Circus, 1/15/10

Yes, Dolly, a lot of cute pictures — which all appear to be thrown pell-mell into a cardboard box. You’d think that, what with her walls being a seemingly endless expanse of white, she might find room for a photo or two of your grotesquely swollen heads, or at least of your parents. But it looks as if she prefers emptiness, infinite emptiness, to any visual reminder that you exist. That little smile is her thinking about the moment you leave, when she’ll get to shove that box back under the bed and stop thinking about you for days and days.

Apartment 3-G, 1/15/10

Here in Baltimore, “The Block” is the name for the section of downtown where all the strip clubs are clustered together, so the narration box in panel one gave me brief hope that today’s strip would have content more interesting than tales of irritating wedding planning and not marrying guys named “Lyle.” I think matching redheads Tommie and Ruby could work up quite a little burlesque act together, slowly and suggestively unwinding their matching scarves until they finally reveal their necks to a hooting audience.

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Mary Worth, 1/8/10

I’m pretty sure that panel two of today’s Mary Worth is what happens when you have MC Escher draw your family reunion. Note that Kurt and Wilbur are ostensibly sitting on the same piece of furniture, but Kurt’s waist is somehow level with Wilbur’s knees. That may have something do with the fact that Kurt is turned 90 degrees towards Wilbur, but his legs are still magically able to bend! Meanwhile, Dawn appears to be drawing away from Wilbur and her probably-not-actually-half-brother in disgust, tucking her right arm awkwardly behind her back so that Wilbur can’t touch it, and somehow moving closer to the viewer than the actual length of the couch would seem to allow. Just as Kurt has disrupted the Westons’ lives with his story about his illicit parentage, so too has his presence disrupted the actual fabric of time and space in their condo unit.

Also, I like their plan of finally setting some time aside to get to know each other better next week! It should make the next few days of sitting around the house awkwardly super-fun.

Apartment 3-G, 1/8/10

Wow, it looks like dating a foul-mouthed married pill addict isn’t a bed of roses — who could have guessed? I’d have more sympathy for the outrage being perpetrated against Ari’s professionalism if not for the fact that he actually appears to be not so much “with a client” as “wandering around the foyer of his office while his client presumably drones on and on about his emotional problems in the next room, seriously, that guy never shuts up, he probably won’t notice if I take a break for a few minutes.” Also weighing against Ari’s right to be self-righteous: the fact that he prescribed sleeping pills to one of his clients almost immediately upon meeting her, then started sleeping with her. What I’m trying to say is that Ari can, in fact, go to @#*%!!

Family Circus, 1/8/10

My favorite thing about today’s Family Circus is the look of disappointment on Big Daddy Keane’s face. It’s like he always had dreams of having kids so he could read stories to them, only discover that actual children ruin everything by thinking for themselves and being bored and irritated by the things you like. At least Dolly is staying engaged enough to know what’s happening in the story, even if she’s going to pick it to bits with her dumb questions; PJ looks as if he’s fantasizing that something more interesting is happening — that’s he watching television, or instance, or staring at the wall.

Garfield, 1/8/10

Ha ha! Garfield and Odie are voyeuristic perverts!

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Family Circus, 12/22/09

So why is Grandma smiling? It’s certainly not because Jeffy has opened his mouth and proven, once again, that he doesn’t have the brains God gave a bowling ball; she probably isn’t even marveling at the wonderful advantages that modern capitalism has over the primitive ointment- and precious-metal-based economic systems prevalent in Biblical times. No, I think she’s cracking a little grin because the drugs are finally kicking in. How else do you explain the fact that Jeffy is significantly tinier than PJ, a miniscule Jeffy-homunculus perched in the crook of her arm? He’s probably spouting his idiocy in a squeaky, comical little voice! “Soon,” she thinks, “he’ll be so little that I can just ignore him altogether!”

Mary Worth, 12/22/09

As noted yesterday, the drugs kicked in long ago in Mary Worth. I’m not sure where those hands on Dr. Jeff’s chest are coming from in panel one, but they certainly aren’t attached to Adrian’s arms — at least, they wouldn’t be in the three-dimensionally Euclidean space with which I’m familiar. But in Dr. Jeff’s hash-hazed mind, Adrian’s left shoulder can be behind him but her left hand in front of him. Why not? Time, space, location — all illusions, man! His expression in panel two is that of someone who’s going to describe this new world-theory to you in earnest and incoherent detail for about twenty or thirty seconds before wandering off to go lie down on something.

Mark Trail, 12/22/09

Oh, look, it’s Mark Trail, backwoods hypocrite. Normally he’s all “Those sideburns are the only search warrant I need” and “My fists may be cruel, but they’re not unusual.” But now that he’s the one thrown in jail, all he can talk about is “Wah wah wah rights of the accused wah wah wah” like a little liberal baby. You’re lucky this comical country lawman is so scrupulous about Constitutional provisions for due process, Mark — which you’re no doubt going to exploit, like the nature-terrorist you are.