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Family Circus, 1/21/07

I thought I had seen the depths to which Keane family dysfunction could sink, but that was before murderous little Jeffy sweet-talked his mother into lovingly handcrafting the very projectiles with which she would soon be pelted. In a way, this cartoon is emblematic of that dark, little-discussed side of parenthood: sometimes, you can pour all of your soul into that little life that you nurtured first in your body and then in your home, neglecting your own private life, personal development, and relationship with your partner to help them become a person, only to see them transformed into an inscrutable monster, an opaque being who only resents you for crimes you can’t imagine or explain, who, despite the years of midnight feedings and changed diapers and band-aids and drives to school and hot meals, is ready to crack your skull open with a ball of ice the moment you turn your back.

On the other hand, she did call him “little man.” I’d be pretty pissed too.

Beetle Bailey, 1/21/07

I know they’re called “throwaway panels” because they just get thrown away, but really, this isn’t even trying. “Hey, I’ve got to fill these two panels with something — how about something that isn’t funny on its own, and that doesn’t really fit in with the main joke, but is just close enough to it that you sort of stare at it for a while scratching your head waiting for it to make sense, but it never does? Bingo! Tee time! I’m off!”

Judge Parker, 1/21/07

With what look like new Barretto-drawn strips back in the daily Judge Parker, our anonymous fill-in artist is offering his swan song with some entirely gratuitous Abbey T&A. I ask you, does anyone rock the chino capris like Ms. Spencer? I think she goes down to Old Navy and buys the Ass Crack Revealing Cut version in bulk.

Also, Sunday’s Mary Worth was a wasteland of exposition and white people, but in the final panel we did get to see her terrifying all-seeing third eye!

I never doubted your powers, o master! Please to not tear my soul asunder with your oculus of ultimate power!

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Mark Trail, 1/20/07

Now hear this, Mark Trail: You bore me, y’hear? You bore me. These damn beavers just keep getting relocated and coming back and rebuilding their damn dam. From here on in, I refuse to comment on their shenanigans unless it includes laughably obscene dialog such as “Uh-oh, here comes your dad. He’s going to see the beaver!” or “The beavers are excited about being with each other“. Even strips like today’s, which has potential “shaved beaver” laughs, won’t make the cut because it doesn’t actually contain the line “There’s the beaver Doc shaved!” or the like.

And “Doc did that so he could treat the hurt place” just creeps me out.

Blondie, 1/20/07

Speaking of things that creep me out, I know that Dagwood has a life-destroying eating disorder and all, but you could not pay me enough to put my face anywhere near the terrifying clown-headed PA system in panel one. I am, however, kind of charmed by Clown Burger’s motto, “Say — then pay!” So much faster than paying first and then trying to figure out what to order that costs exactly the amount that you’ve already paid.

Curtis, 1/20/07

I’m going to ignore the socially important but lethally boring message of this strip to ask HOLY CRAP WHY IS MOMMA CURTIS WEARING A BLACK SHIRT MARKED WITH AN ENORMOUS RED BAR CODE? As if the giant symbol of soulless mechanization weren’t bad enough, the Satanic color scheme is soul-chilling. Apparently the Anti-Christ is active in the world of Curtis, and Mrs. Wilkins has agreed to follow him and wear his Mark. This might explain why she’s serving Curtis and Barry some kind of inky black brew, though why she’s serving it to them in bowler hats is still an open question.

Family Circus, 1/20/07

Wow, this is the worst advice on fighting dirty I’ve ever heard. It’s almost as if Dolly wants someone to beat the crap out of Jeffy. Hmm.

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For Better Or For Worse, 1/11/07

Here it is! The moment we’ve been waiting for since June! The moment when cheatin’ Paul is caught red-handed, Liz is emotionally devastated, worlds are shattered, great loves die, new ones begin! At last, it’s here! And it’s … it’s …

Kind of dull, actually.

Bunch of people standing around in the cold. Fully clothed. Nicely drawn exhalation vapor clouds, I’ll give them that. Some awkward glances. Car in the driveway. And … such.

Plenty of exposition, though. Yes, sir.

God damn, this is boring. I hate you, foobs. Every time I lower my expectations to meet what I think’s coming, you go even lower.

Apartment 3-G, 1/11/07

Hey, but you know who never fails to meet my expectations? Margo Magee, that’s who. Whether she’s throwing aside her last shred of dignity to win the heart of a rich older man, or insulting her roommates with zingers just obscure enough to make them wonder if they’re actually being insulted, she always comes through in the clutch.

I have to imagine that Margo is the master tenant in Apartment 3-G. Otherwise, I have no idea why her collection of overpriced designer turtleneck sweaters and her ass haven’t been dumped on the curb by an aggrieved Lu Ann and Tommie years ago.

Family Circus, 1/11/07

Several commentors have attempted to parse the dialogue here in relation to the phrase “cookie sandwich,” and how it applies to the relationship between Dagwood and his daughter, Cookie. It’s all very clever and naughty, but I think it misses the larger point, which is that Billy is making a lunch that consists entirely of Oreos and Wonder Bread. Clearly Mom has finally snapped and run off with the mailman, and Daddy’s passed out drunk (again), leaving the kids unsupervised and Billy in charge. The look on Jeffy’s face shows that he’s sort of dubious about this situation. Sure, cookie sandwiches are all well and good in the short term, but eventually they’ll run out of Oreos and/or Wonder Bread and who’s gonna buy more, huh?

The Lockhorns, 1/11/07

I think this is the first ever Lockhorns panel in which the feature’s patented brand of ennui-deadened hate is aimed by one half of the title couple at someone other than the other half of the title couple. Though you wouldn’t know it from their emotionally numb faces, this is a serious psychological breakthrough.

Leroy and Loretta have been locked in a vicious, evenly matched death struggle for decades, so if their negative energies were suddenly turned outwards, they’d leave a trail of dead and maimed in their wake. So look out, TSA goons! Your chastisement at the hands of Slylock Fox was just the beginning!