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Family Circus, 4/13/07

As I noted yesterday, I’m an only child and don’t understand siblings and their ways. Those of you who grew up in big families: did you ever have little get-togethers like this to discuss your feelings about family dynamics when you were under the age of ten? I like how happy Jeffy seems to be to share is feelings of total inadequacies with the rest of the brood, and the palpable shock and disgust on the faces of Billy, Dolly, and even PJ. I’m guessing that immediately after that bit of dialogue, the punching began.

Mary Worth, 4/13/07

When I tell people I like Mary Worth, they often say things like “Why?” or “Good God, why?” or “Why would anyone read that boring, boring old comic strip?” Days like today prove that “boring” is a word that should never be used in regards to this feature. This is a finely detailed depiction of psychological brinksmanship! Thrill as Mary completely bypasses the normal polite rules of human interaction, and forces Vera to either agree to give up her precious privacy or explicitly spurn an old lady! The fact that the strip ends in mid-sentence only adds to the excitement. Will Vera’s conclusion be “…of course I’ll have dinner with you! What should I bring?” or “…why don’t you eat with THE REST OF THE DEMONS IN HELL, YOU OLD HAG?” How will I be able to hold out until tomorrow?

Apartment 3-G, 4/13/07

I’m really, really upset that we didn’t actually get to see Katy’s birthday party — not because I’m a sicko who likes to watch the birthday parties of sixteen-year-old cancer patients, but because I have long suspected that Margo is a total incompetent whatever attention-grabbing scheme she’s attempting to use as a vehicle for meeting a rich man at any given moment. Some years ago we saw her completely screw up doing publicity for one of Blaze’s plays because she got wind of some piece of ass; I fully expected her party planning career to have gone down in flames by now as well. While the streamers, balloons, and hand-painted sign that reads HAPD BIRT don’t exactly scream “$100 an hour party planner”, who knows what sort of “awesome” activities we missed. Maybe Usher was there, or strippers, or Usher stripping.

True story: last year on my birthday my wife and I spent a relaxing day together and by mid-afternoon I was pretty pleased with how the day went. But then were driving back from the pool we belong to through a kind of ritzy neighborhood, and some kids were having a birthday party in the yard of this huge house, and they were unloading a goddamned llama out of the back of a llama truck, and my day felt a little less special. What I’m trying to say, Margo, is where’s the llama? I know it’s hard to get one into a Manhattan apartment, but what Katy wants, Katy gets.

They’ll Do It Every Time, 3/13/07

Like a magpie fixated on a shiny piece of tinfoil, I can’t get a single phrase from Hubby’s rambling diatribe out of my mind: “Earth warming.” At first I thought it was an attempt to use up slightly less word balloon real estate than the more conventional “global warming,” but if that were the case I think the thing to do would have been to lose one or more of the “etc”s. So I’m thinking it’s one of two things:

• Those who believe that global warming is a real danger are trying to rebrand it to convince the unconvinced. “Huh, I know global warming is junk science, but maybe there’s something to this ‘Earth warming’ thing.”
• People who have been denying global warming all along have finally been convinced, but feel that they can’t admit they were wrong without looking dumb, so this is their way of getting around it. “Global warming? Liberal propaganda! It’s just to distract you from the dangerous problem of ‘Earth warming’ — a danger you can only hear about here on Fox!”

Also, I first read Hubby’s initial news item as pertaining to a “bug strike” and charmingly imagined a group of ants and beetles walking in a circle carrying tiny signs that read “PLEASE DO NOT STEP ON US”.

Slylock Fox, 4/13/07

I can’t decide if the message of today’s Slylock Fox is “Cab rides with nearsighted drivers are a horrifying nightmare” or “Sticking your head out of a moving car is ill-advised, no matter how much fun your dog seems to have doing it.” But the multiple images give the whole thing a pleasing pop art quality.

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Apartment 3-G, 4/11/07

Panel one: The touch on the shoulder, plus the nature of the conversation, establishes that these two gentlemen are well acquainted with each other, and, despite minor conflicts, keep each other’s best interests at heart.

Panel two: An exaggerated look at the watch, plus a call to make plans later, indicates that one of the two characters needs to run.

Panel three: Oh no! Readers might not realize that these two are old friends, and about to part! We need a narration box, stat! As a bonus, it will screw up the rhythm of the strip, implying that there’s been some kind of gap in time between panels two and three!

Spider-Man, 4/11/07

I’m uninterested in the latest example of J. Jonah Creep’s epic self-absorption, and my curiosity is only vaguely piqued by the flight of that … brick? videotape? bundle of hundred-dollar bills? Whatever. I am, however, intrigued by the concept of a thought balloon coming from off-panel. A similarly positioned word balloon offers a comics-panel approximation of a situation in which you can hear someone but not see them; this seems to show that SOMEWHERE nearby, SOMEONE is thinking … but WHO?

Gil Thorp, 4/11/07

When I read today’s Gil Thorp, my eyes slid right over the bizarre wildlife analogies and traumatizing Paris Hilton joke to settle on that … thing … that the first basewoman is holding in the third panel. Is it a trash can lid? An enormous pair of black panties with a frilly trim? A rip in the fabric of space and time, revealing the soul-destroying black abyss that lies beyond our universe? After about a minute, I realized that we’re just supposed to be looking directly into the maw of a fielder’s mitt. That’s a minute I’ll never have back, and I resent it.

By the way, it appears that Hadley Baxendale and Steve Luhm fought for equal rights in vain: While I’m sure the baseball diamond has been mowed with laser-beam precision, the softball field appears to be covered in ankle-deep grass. The right fielder is standing in a particularly wooly patch, though, if we continue with the African herbivore metaphors, she may believe that it provides camouflage from predators.

Dick Tracy, 4/11/07

It’s hard to believe, but I’ve managed to avoid commenting on Dick Tracy ever since we met the completely demented Queen of Diamonds character. Today, things just get weirder as she discards her costume for reasons that are no more obvious than those that drove her to wear in the first place. It’s not like a lumpy person in a skin-tight black bodysuit with a face like a playing card is exactly inconspicuous, even if she isn’t carrying a supernaturally glowing gem.

Judge Parker, 4/11/07

For those of you not following along at home, Neddy and Abbey, fleeing from their ‘80s punker attackers, have ducked through a door off of an alley and into some mysterious workshop full of industrial supplies that they can turn into weapons. Presumably they will blow-torch their nemeses into submission, then dump their charred figures onto the steps of L’Académie française, where they will be dealt with for their crimes against French grammar. It looks like somebody’s gunning to have their strip turned into the next ultraviolent Robert Rodriguez-directed big screen comics adaptation.

Mark Trail, 4/11/07

Many of you have already noted that Mark is flying to confront Dan’s grieving widow on the back of a majestic goose, and driving from the gooseport in some kind of vehicle that lacks seats. I’m more disturbed by how excited Cherry is about the whole thing. “Oh, Mark, I’m so glad you didn’t call the police with your suspicions. I love it when you go off half-cocked on impromptu voyages of vengeance! Go get ’em, tiger! Don’t beat anyone to death unless you feel like it!”

Family Circus, 4/11/07

This, combined with this, leads me to believe that the Family Circus has a bee up its butt over recent findings that most Americans, including most of those who consider themselves Christians, are completely ignorant of the basics of the Bible and Christian theology. Obviously it will climax with an angry, melon-headed mob demanding that public schools bring back religious instructions for their poor, hell-bound students. Obviously their parents can’t be trusted to do it! They’re just as dumb!

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Family Circus, 4/6/07

I’m not a Christian, but even I know how theologically troubling this Good Friday installment of the supposedly Jesus-friendly Family Circus is. Hey Dolly, they don’t say “Jesus was an adorable baby wrapped in swaddling clothes surrounded by cute animals for your sins,” you know what I’m saying?

Several commentors have suggested that Ma Keane is attempting to exorcize the demons out of Dolly, but I think it’s instructive to compare this panel with Tuesday’s installment. The visual echoes imply that Dolly is about to get smacked with that crucifix; we might assume that its religious meaning is incidental, and that it was merely the closest heavy object to hand.

Gil Thorp, 4/6/07

The first panel of today’s Gil Thorp is just evidence of how far this strip (and by extension America) has slipped from the good old days, as “the doc” is some touch-feely psychotherapist who’s helping Tyler get in touch with his emotions and discover the reasons why he felt a need to hit himself in the back of the head with a stick until he bled; obviously his coach should be telling him to man up, push all those troubling “feelings” deep down inside, and hit other people with sticks instead. The third panel is completely incomprehensible to me. But I like panel two. I like the fact that Assistant Coach Kaz spends his spare time lifting free weights in … well, I don’t know where he’s supposed to be, exactly; it looks like he’s in the exercise yard in prison. I also like the fact that it’s totally obvious that Kaz has had some eye work done.

Apartment 3-G, 4/6/07

The “Lu Ann is being possessed or dying or something and nobody cares or even remembers she exists” bit is now becoming actively hilarious to me. And do we need any more proof that the Professor’s years of “paternal” attentions to the girls in 3G were basically driven by a desire to get into the pants of one or all of them? Now that he’s managed to somehow snag a babe even younger than them, his interest in their sordid paint-huffing adventures has vanished.

The Lockhorns, 4/6/07

I have no idea what this is supposed to mean. But it is true that, thanks to Leroy’s listlessness and inattention, Loretta is like El Niño in that she comes once every three to eight years.

Slylock Fox, 4/6/07

Wow, for someone who in the next few minutes is going to die either from suffocation or from a trip through a walrus digestive system, that fish sure is looking pretty darn cheery.