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B.C., 4/14/06

I’m not a Christian, but I have no objections whatsoever to Johnny Hart doing Jesus-themed cartoons, really. Especially this weekend. Hart loves Jesus, this weekend is the holiest in the Christian calendar, so: knock yourself out. Bonus points for not hating on Darwin or the Jews.

What I object to is Johnny Hart doing Jesus-themed cartoons that make absolutely no sense. Is “stood on the truth” an idiomatic expression that anyone has used, at any time, ever, such that it would justify the word “truth” being carved, in faux Roman capitals, on an ant-sized podium in the middle of bleak ancient/post-apocolyptic hellscape, in order to set up this joke (and I’m using the term “joke” loosely)? In case you had trouble following that sentence, I’ll supply the answer to the question, which is: No.

(Also, the word “truth” doesn’t occur in John 1:14, in case you’re wondering.)

(UPDATE: Er, so it’s been pointed out to me that “truth” is in fact the last word in John 1:14. Apparently I looked up that verse, scanned it, didn’t see the word “truth”, and never got to the end. I’m as bad as Jeffy Keane (see below)!)

But hey, at least he managed to keep his eye on divine, soul-saving ball for the whole strip:

Family Circus, 4/14/06

It looks like this one started out as being Jesus-themed (“Mary”, “lamb” — lamb of God!) but then fell prey to the irresistible pull of an adorable malapropism. I’m pretty sure that people would read the Bible more often if it featured less smiting and thundering against hypocrites and more little kids mispronouncing words in hilarious ways.

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Family Circus, 4/11/06

Ah, the desperate stab for relevance! See, Sudoku’s all popular now, and it’s Japanese, and … heh. Relevance. You see. Well, as a typical reader, let me assure you: it didn’t work. The Family Circus appears right under the Sudoku puzzle in my paper, but it still didn’t make this cartoon relevant or funny.

Also, this cartoon? Deeply racist. Sudoku means roughly “Single number,” and it’s an abbreviation for a larger phrase that means “the numbers must occur only once” (“Suuji wa dokushin ni kagiru”). It is not, in fact, anybody’s name. Keep right on writing those letters to the editor, Sarah Ditmars.

Sally Forth, 4/11/06

This is an awesome meta-moment … but Ces, you tease us. We all know that whatever Ted’s new job is, it won’t be as good as any of these.

In addition: Tan shirt? Just-one-shade-darker tan pants? Electric blue tie? Ted Forth is not gay, everybody.

Gil Thorp, 4/11/06

I think the commentor who suggested that Trey Davis’ t-shirt is foreshadowing has hit the nail on the flat-topped head: Gil Thorp must be determined to match Funky Winkerbean and Doonesbury with a depressing Iraq War storyline of its own. Of more immediate concern is the snoopy reporter in panel three, who is clearly Andy Dick in a bad wig.

Luann, 4/11/06

Hey Gunther, even if she did want you to put on a dog suit, this is girl who you forced to dress up as a giant pen at a comics convention in your doomed bid for fame last year. You might want to dial down the self-righteousness while you’re adjusting the invisible control panel on your forehead there.

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That’s right! I couldn’t settle one just one, so I’ve got four comics for today! I hope this is storing up goodwill against those days when I don’t post anything at all.

Apartment 3-G, 4/6/06

Tommie’s secret thought balloon in panel three: “Ugh … Lu Ann’s self-actualization … so boring … must pinch neck … to keep myself awake …” Fortunately, she’s a medical professional, and won’t accidentally cut off the bloodflow to her brain and collapse in a heap on the floor. Not that it would stop Lu Ann from nattering on.

9 Chickweed Lane, 4/6/06

Yeah, go ahead, show him the address. After all, he’s a priest! And we all know that they never do anything disreputable or pervy. No sir.

(So I’m going to hell for that. But I was going anyway, so I might as well enjoy the ride.)

Family Circus, 4/6/06

So this is the cookie aisle, right? And all the boxes are arranged on the shelf so that their fronts, with their lovingly detailed close-up pictures of delicious, delicious cookies, are turned so as to be largely invisible to hungry shoppers, while their sides, with detailed information about the massive amounts of fat, industrial chemicals, and animal byproducts in said cookies, are prominently displayed for all to see. Plus, the boxes are all a muted brown. Where do these people shop, the Depressing Store?

Also (and this next paragraph is an extended shout-out to my professional linguist homies over at the Language Log, who have linked to me several times despite my near-total absence of linguistics content), I’ve always found the verb construction Mom’s deploying here pretty stilted and weird. It’s a verb of being governing a negative infinitive, which makes it … well, hell, if I knew that, I’d be writing “I analyze syntax so you don’t have to,” or, you know, the Language Log, instead of this thing. I reached back a decade and rummaged around my half-remembered memories of Latin for a while and came out with the phrase “hortatory subjunctive,” but I don’t think that’s right. Anyway, it does have a certain advantage in that saying “Don’t open it until you get home” would make her look pretty dumb, since he’s already opened it. This way she gets to make a general statement of fact without having to either ignore or explicitly acknowledge the reality of her greedy, gobbly, smarmy little brat of a son.

Gil Thorp, 4/6/06

I’m going to hazard a guess that a year from now the Rap-Dog is still going to be fetching menthols and Mello Yello for his overbearing trailer-bound Momma. Either that or he will have killed and taxidermied her, though even then he’ll probably still be alternately cowering from her wrath and having sullen arguments with her in his mind. Come to think of that, he might very well be doing that already.

It’s hard to stay mad at a woman whose shirt is decorated with tasty Doritos, though. Mmmm … Doritos.