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Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/17/16

At long last, the day we’ve all been waiting for: Sarah Morgan’s book is available in print! As near as I can tell this strip from May 2013 is the beginning of that saga, so the whole project from genesis to execution took … just short of three years? In the soap opera comics, which move at a notoriously glacial pace? And it took me, a real adult human who lives in the ordinary timestream three and a half years after my Kickstarter to get my book out? Ugggh. Anyway, come to my book tour April 26 in Washington, DC or April 28 in Baltimore or May 2 in Brooklyn or May 5 in Buffalo, so I can outsell this terrible sphere-headed child-golem, at least!

Archie, 4/17/16

I’m sorry, Mr. Lodge, but nobody wearing that red-and-yellow nightmare has the right to criticize anybody else’s clothing choices. It’s really too bad for him that having a servant entirely for the purpose of dressing the master of the house has apparently fallen out of favor amongst the ultra-rich.

Family Circus, 4/17/16

I absolutely love how furious Jeffy looks in the rightmost panel here. I know Billy’s statement is supposed to be a response to his sour face, but it looks like it’s the other way around and he’s just so mad about this dumb aphorism. “Grandma isn’t here, Billy. The best part about Grandma not being here is that we don’t have to listen to this shit.”

Pluggers, 4/17/16

Pluggers remember when they used to be able to guide their grandchildren away from Darwin’s Satanic lies, back before their damn daughter-in-law started pitching a fit because she and the public schools knew better than the Bible.

Funky Winkerbean, 4/17/16

Remember, If Your Strip Ends With Even The Vaguest Play On Words, That’s Technically A “Punchline,” Even If It’s Incredibly Depressing: The Funky Winkerbean Story

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Dennis the Menace, 4/8/16

I’m really enjoying this young couple’s facial expressions as Dennis regales them with tales of his family’s casual and profitable lies. The woman seems flabbergasted, horrified to learn that the Mitchells have taught their child that it’s OK to speak untruths, as long as you can save a little money by doing so. The man, however, is steeped in ennui, as if this is totally in line with what he knows about the deceitful nature of humanity. “Mmm, the child doesn’t seem to even resist spinning this web of falsehoods, and why should he? People need to be taught to be good, and we as a society haven’t been teaching them very well for a very long time.”

Funky Winkerbean, 4/8/16

Cliff Anger’s name is very appropriate — not because of the cliffhangers that were the most prominent features of the Starbuck Jones serials in which he starred, but rather because he’s angry, so very, very angry, about a world that passed him by and the young people who now inhabit it. Fun! Anyway, I dearly hope those ellipses in his word balloon in the final panel represent significantly long pauses. “I … D … I know you know what’s coming next but you’re still gonna have to wait around for me to finish, you little fucks … L …”

Judge Parker, 4/8/16

Oh hey everybody, the non-old-people-sweatshop plot in Judge Parker just resolved itself off-panel, in case you were worried! Rocky! You gotta love that guy, if by “love” you mean “worry about him constantly, in ways that you may or may not be paid to do!”

Mary Worth, 4/8/16

Harlan Jones’s defense before the ethics board will be an intriguing one. “But I made sure to keep my conversation with the undergraduates extremely stilted and square! How could I have possibly known she’d find the phrase ‘This is an informal college atmosphere, and I’m an informal guy’ erotic?”

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Funky Winkerbean, 4/2/16

You might be thinking, “Gee, if aging Starbuck Jones serial star Cliff Anger has a lot of movie memorabilia and is selling it for some extra cash, wouldn’t he make even more money if people knew he was the seller? Like if he, say, signed it or something?” But that’s just naive. Everyone knows that old movie actors are considered amongst a certain rarified set to be the most dangerous game. Cliff Anger thought he was playing it safe, he thought he was hiding his identity — but the hunt for Starbuck Jones may be almost over.

Judge Parker, 4/2/16

Sorry to hear that your entire retirement savings were wiped out by medical bills, Chubbs! But have you considered not retiring, and, say, using your garment industry knowledge to manage a sweatshop full of old people? That way the Spencer-Drivers will only have to deal with a couple of old people themselves, rather than an unruly bunch of them. And these particular old people will be indebted to the Spencer-Drivers, who can always remind them about the extortion racket they tried to pull! It’s a win-win for everyone, except for the Chubbs, who probably didn’t want to work right up until the day they died.

Archie, 4/2/16

I find it pretty sad that Hot Dog thinks that “Hot Dog TV” is just going to be a picture of his dopey-ass face. You’ll never make it in show business unless you’re willing to offer some razzle-dazzle, kid!