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Beetle Bailey, 8/23/09

While there’s a long and noble history of enlisted men holding their superior officers in scarcely disguised contempt, I’m a bit concerned about the next to last panel here, in which the men of Camp Swampy visualize the country they’ve sworn to protect as a smoldering ruin, barely held together by primitive bandages. Has the rampant incompetence so frequently on display in Beetle Bailey infected the rest of the military, leading to a successful invasion? Or do Beetle and his platoonmates simply hate America?

The ruined United States in the thought balloon is also horribly misdrawn, with northern New England lopped off, half of Mexico annexed, and the Great Lakes reduced to a greenish blob, but since Americans are notoriously ignorant of geography, this is simply par for the course.

Funky Winkerbean, 8/23/09

The content of today’s Funky Winkerbean, in which Les demands that Summer listen to a terrible joke that serves as a very thin layer over his pain over her mother’s death, still raw more than a decade later, is pretty depressing. Still, things may be looking up, as this little father-daughter moment appears to be illuminated by the bright glow of some all-consuming fire. Perhaps a nuclear attack on Westview will finally release the damned inhabitants from their misery.

Marvin, 8/23/09

Since this is Marvin we’re talking about, for “college” we should read “prison,” obviously.

Panels from Apartment 3-G, 8/23/09

HEY, EVERYONE, MARGO IS TALKING ABOUT HER LADY BITS RIGHT THERE IN THE SUNDAY PAPER OH MY GOODNESS

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One again, your comment of the week is coming soon … but there are many hilarious and informative items that you have to work your way through first, which working through you will not regret! First off I will plug a little project that I’ve contributed to! If you have a Facebook account and are at all interested in free text-based adventure games, you might want to check out the Land of Odd! Look for the quests written by jfruh (that’s me!).

Next up is this image from faithful reader DOlz: “I was reading the vintage “Beetle Bailey” and I thought you might like to know Campy Swampy has long been a man’s camp.”

Next comes a note from faithful reader KTrout:

I live in a bland suburb about an hour from Vancouver, British Columbia, and when I make forays into the big city I often find myself walking or bussing through the Downtown Eastside. On Hastings street is a drinking establishment with the name “Funky Winker Bean’s Pub.” Being a year shy of the provincial drinking age I can’t say what it’s like inside but the pub’s listing on the website “Clubvibes” paints an evocative picture: “It was surprisingly clean, and the red walls with the half nude flapper girls that adorned them helped to create a kind of calculated aesthetic.” Furthermore, the listing boasts “Cheap Drinks” such as “$1.50 for a glass of beer, $2.75 for a 16oz pint, or $3.25 Shooters! (sic)” As if that weren’t enough it seems that revelers can also enjoy the services of “April the Bouncy Bartender.” (But only on Saturday, Sunday, and Monday.) The clubvibes entry can be found here.

I’ve never had a camera handy on my trips, but Google brings us this picture:

Next comes this note from faithful readers David Di Lillo and Mike Young:

We took a trip down to Washington D.C. to see the “Funny Pages”
exhibit at the fabulous five-floor Newseum, which provides a nice
timeline of comic strip history, only to find a large-scale Dennis the
Menace in his typical, non-menacing, “What’d I do?” pose. This
sighting made the $1 Megabus fare worth it.

Also! You might recall that last week I unaccustomedly posted a blurb from a syndicate promotional flack, because I love Lio and I love lookalike contests. This week I am going to give you a little taste of another I received:

Archie Comics made headline news this summer when it was announced that Michael Uslan (Executive Producer of “The Dark Knight”, “Batman Begins”) would be scripting “Archie marries Veronica”! The story was covered in front pages of newspapers around the world!

It goes on like that, blah blah eternal love triangle blah blah electronic sneak preview here blah blah WAIT HOLY CRAP SCRIPT WRITTEN BY EXECUTIVE PRODUCER OF THE ULTRA-BLEAK DARK KNIGHT? I am very much looking forward to the shocking climax, when Reggie forces Archie to decide whether to save Veronica (tied to a pile of dynamite in an abandoned warehouse) or Betty (being slowly lowered into a vat of acid in an old factory across town).

And finally we have have this charming note from faithful reader AirForbes:

I know you have an interest in wacky comics-related things your readers do, so I submit for your review the real life Jack Elrod Ball. I made this from a piece of cast-off illustration board, and with some reusable adhesive, it can be placed in a multitude of locations.

King Features is really missing out on the marketing possibilities here. The Elrod Ball! Create your own nature scenes involving ginormous wildlife! Stick it on the living room wall and experience the suspense of knowing that at any moment, a khaki-clad naturalist may kick in your front door and start punching anyone with facial hair! For example, I created this scene featuring a beloved Mark Trail character from a previous storyline, Lucky Beaver, at the creek in my backyard. I’m thinking a line of static decals for car windows would work well, too.

And now … your comment of the week!

“You know what they say, ‘Guns don’t kill people … and neither does this guy.'” –Rachel211

And your also-hilarious runners up!

“Over and over again I’m struck by how charmingly whimsical the art in Crankshaft is compared to how loathsome and charm-free the characters. Of course, if the art matched the content, then it would have to be drawn in smears of pig’s blood or something. Still. It’s jarring.” –Strangefate

“Before piling wood on your lawn, think twice. Will your future piled wood needs perhaps differ, locationwise? Plan ahead, so you don’t have to rely on the coerced servitude of hostile, resentful youths. Even when you’re absolutely certain, take a moment to inspect the exposed surface at the end each ‘log,’ and consult the following handy reference: Concentric circles: Log. Proceed. Spirals: Swiss cake roll. Reconsider.” –One-eyed Wolfdog

“Obviously Cathy hasn’t yet stumbled onto Irving’s account at from-the-waist-down.net.” –HvP

“‘Mary Worth in Space’ would be a great 1970s Saturday morning cartoon! Of course she’d have a talking dune buggy.” –Vince M

“Hopefully, tomorrow, Del picks up one of her husband’s books and cries, ‘W-whoa! That’s … philosophy of a kind … I suppose…’ Lawrence: ‘I forgot you weren’t into the more posthumanist epistemology! Some things never change … hmm?'” –teddytoad

“My fondest wish is that, while Lawrence and Delilah are sitting in their hotel room, declaring their love for one another, Barry saunters in from another strip and nonchalantly takes a piss while cracking wise at both of them.” –Patrick

“I can’t see how you don’t see this as one more instance of the roving eyes that keep Lawrence on the road and drove Del to turn to Beefsteak Charley’s Lovenest to relieve her hunger for attention. It’s like, ‘Del, let’s talk in my room. It’s more pri … Why, HEL-LO THERE, Ms. Sexy Female Episcopal Priest. You know, it’s funny because I was just thinking about the Synod of Whitby and … Oh, right, Del. My room is this way. The champagne is, um, a gift from my publisher. So is the underwear.'” –Edgy DC

“Maybe what we’ve always assumed is Curtis’ hat is, in fact, an overly elaborate hairstyle? That would explain how it manages to stay perched precariously on his head under the most extraordinary circumstances. Whatever it is, though, my question is: how in the Hell does Curtis plan on getting his shirt on over it?” –TheDiva

“Dear Lord … I pray that Barry does NOT have the runs tomorrow morning while accusing Michelle of human sacrifice.” –AeroSquid

“A3-G: The small airport is so small, it doesn’t even seem to have a plane. I’m guessing the travelers just climb up that big mountain in the background, strap on some cardboard wings, and jump off.” –Perky Bird

“Viewing today’s Curtis, I can only think of three possible explanations: 1. Curtis’ brother’s penis comes out of his sternum. 2. Curtis’ brother has an exceptionally long and hose-like penis, that can be pulled up and over the toilet bowl. 3. Curtis’ brother is making a mess! By the way, forgive me for not knowing his name (though perhaps it’s actually ‘Worm’, which would lead me to believe the explanation is number two?), but I do have a life. Just not one rich and full enough to keep me from thinking about cartoon character’s penises, apparently.” –kevinbapp.com

“I know that many, if not most, newspaper comics are typically not abreast of current news, fashion, trends, technologies, wars, speech patterns, behaviors of young people, etc., but is it actually a requirement? Do the comics syndicates have a non-compete clause in their contract with newspapers that prevents them from delivering any content that might be considered current?” –wagmore barkless

“My Internet Happy Box involves more yiffing, to be honest. Granted, I can only see so much in that last panel.” –Naked Bunny with a Whip

“When a colony collapses in the Batuikverse do you think a bee in a tuxedo and an opera mask shows up to carry off the hive?” –Hank

“So, Gil — you’ve taken an angry young man who pummeled your house with baseballs and paired him with a bunch of defenseless kids and easy access to unlimited baseballs? Yeah, that seems like a good judgment call. Those kids are going home covered in ball-sized welts.” –Old School Allie Cat

“I think that I shall never see/ A man like Crankshaft ’xplainin’ bees.” –Dingo

“‘SO WHAT’S THE REAL ANSWER?!’ Trick question. The bees are all alive and well, but the Army misidentified some other insects’ remains.” –Chyron HR

“If being shot at makes Mark think he’s on the right track, I imagine being killed will really make his day! ‘I’ve solved it! Huzzah!’ *dies*” –zooby

“I think the low-angle shot represents the contempt with which Crankshaft views his audience. He figures these ditzy broads won’t understand anything about his brilliant bee lecture unless he literally draws them a picture of an oversized, simplified cartoon bee. This is the ’Shaft’s equivalent of a Power Point presentation. Call it An Incontinent Truth.” –Joe Blevins

“I always wonder how longtime legacy strips end. Mostly, it seems to be with a week’s worth of maudlin nostalgia that seeks to manufacture a sense of loss in the reader. Rarely does a strip die a ‘natural death’, in the sense that the plot ties up and the story really has come to an end. All of which is to say — if tomorrow our orange assassin drills Mark Trail right between the eyes, with a final panel saying ‘So long! It’s been a great 63 years’, I will be thrilled and impressed beyond measure.” –David Schraub

“There are cutters in Dick Tracy, all right. They always start with the fingers.” –Dean Booth

“What next, a scene in which Edda smears a naked Amos with tiramisu and licks it off? Ow, I hurt my own brain.” –Poteet

“After reading Crankshaft for a while, maybe Death Panels aren’t such a bad idea.” –Wolf Shepherd

“If the reason the bees are dying is ‘rattlesnakes’, the past few weeks of Crankshaft will make perfect sense. Yes, including the fast forward. Rattlesnakes, man! They get their venom into your head and then you’re like … whoa, dude, I’m seeing flashbacks from every time I’ve ever seen a baseball game, except I’m in the future. Oh, wait, hold on. Did I say ‘rattlesnakes’? I meant ‘marijuana’. Marijuana is the only way the past few weeks of Crankshaft make any sense.” –Black Drazon

“So now we know the truth: Rodgers and Hammerstein songs make Delilah so instantly and powerfully aroused that when Charley sang them, she became terrified of her own physical desire and had to flee to the only man she knew would serve as an antidote to lust.” –buckyswife

“Yesterday I saw ‘salmon’ in a list of colors, and I realized that salmon squares aren’t so named because they’re made of fish — nobody knows what the heck they are, so they call them salmon squares, because they’re salmon-coloured squares. The next pool party will introduce aquamarine triangles.” –AirForbes

“Well it seems that Del and Lawrence, while unable to communicate in any semblance of a constructive manner, have put aside their differences because Lawrence would never dream of even looking at a woman in a one piece bathing suit, let alone owning a Thomas Kincade reproduction of one. Now they enjoy their chaste, chaste ‘love making’ which probably consists of a few minutes of solid hand holding while Lawrence reads aloud from Leviticus.” –Suspicious Patron

“2012 is either when this lame story is going to wind down or when someone finally identifies that weird rotting flesh smell coming from Charley’s apartment.” –walty

“Ugh. And now Lawrence proceeds to fill Delilah up with babies, as God intended.” –Nomstrosity

“I love the expression on Barfy’s face as he has an existential moment: ‘Dear God, I’m going to be stuck with these people for the rest of my life, aren’t I?'” –spazmodeas

“Wow, how big is that tent? Maybe the Keanes aren’t camping at all, but they’ve tented their house for termites — and because it’s raining outside, they’re all going to be poisoned. In which case, their lawsuit against the weatherman seems a little more winnable.” –BigTed

Three cheers for everyone who put cash into my tip jar! And cheers also to my advertisers:

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Mary Worth, 8/8/09

I know we were all very disappointed when Delilah fled Charley’s porn palace in terror and left Mary a hopeful note about how she was returning to her emotionally distant husband; it seemed like one of the most prominent storylines since Aldomania was being nipped in the bud. But were we perhaps too hasty? Are we going to get a few entertaining weeks in the life of Lawrence Jonis, philosopher/faith healer? Hopefully! Of course, this promising fountain of hilarity could be cut off prematurely; it appears that our orange t-shirted Jonis devotee has been so moved by the philosopher’s preaching that he’s going to seize Lawrence’s head and eat it, so as to gain immediate access to the amazing knowledge within his Brylcreemed skull.

Mark Trail, 8/9/09

The Man Who Shot Joey Williams sure is an intriguing character, even if he doesn’t merit a name of his own. Despite being a cold-blooded sniper, he’s courtly enough to refer to his recent victim as “Mr. Williams,” even when there’s nobody around to hear his musings. He also seems concerned that perhaps his message about not talking wasn’t entirely clear. Maybe Mr. Williams has lots of people who want to maim him for various reasons, and the shooter worries that he won’t derive the proper meaning from the bullet in his shoulder. “Now, was that a message to stop jawing about the illegal waste dumping, a message to stay away from that drug dealer’s girlfriend, or a message not to go back on my agreement to spy for Russians? Damn it, if only there were some way to tell!”

It’s also possible that the safety-orange-clad assassin is talking about an actual letter of some sort that Joey was sent warning him to keep his mouth shut; if he never received this message, then it really wasn’t fair to shoot him, because how was he supposed to know otherwise? “Damn it, I told our sinister mob boss that we should have sent it registered mail! He’s such a cheapskate that way!”

Funky Winkerbean, 8/8/09

Oh my God, is she going to TAKE WALLY TO HIS OWN GRAVE? Is he going to go down on his knees in front his own tombstone and scream “NOOOOOOOOO” before taking his own life in order to simplify the lives of everyone who’s assumed that he was dead and moved on? Ha ha ha, most hilarious Funky Winkerbean ever!

Marmaduke, 8/8/09

Not satisfied with wreaking his own trail of gore and death across the landscape, Marmaduke has taken to disrupting police investigations so as to make life easier for the other murderers in his damned town.