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Slylock Fox, 9/14/09

Longtime readers of Slylock Fox have long wondered at the nature of the judiciary in this realm of bipedal sentient animals. While this locality is equipped with a serviceable mostly-canine police force, there seems to be little regard for the constitutional rights of men or beasts, and Slylock Fox himself, while not obviously affiliated with the law enforcement apparatus in any institutional way, is permitted to imprison and convict suspects merely on the strength his own flimsy deductions. Today, we learn the truth: all the action in this strip takes place in some kind of despotic absolute monarchy, ruled over by Princess Pussycat’s iron fist, with Slylock as her chief and unquestioning Inquisitor, the Darth Vader to her Emperor Palpatine. Moreover, though the Princess is called “pussycat,” her fur/skin is a bright red not seen on any natural feline, leading me to the conclusion that she is an actual hell-demon, controlling her subjects with her devilish supernatural powers; she’s probably the one responsible for transforming them into terrible hybrid beast-men in the first place.

Today’s transgressor against Her Satanic Majesty is wearing the all-black uniform and sunglasses that indicate that he was actually a member of her feared secret police. Perhaps the temptation of selling her devil-gold was too much, or perhaps he finally had had enough and was planning to strike a blow against his evil overlord by disposing of one of her symbols of power. Either way, in short order Princess Pussycat’s palace attendant is going to demonstrate that the enormous axe he carries as part of his uniform is not ceremonial. Still, you have to admire Rodney’s chutzpah; even in the face of summary execution, he’s still offering a jaunty double thumbs-up and a Fonzie-style “Aaaayyyy.”

Funky Winkerbean, 9/14/09

Hold up, what … what is the deal with dude’s thighs in panel three? They’re all lumpy and misshapen, and not in proportion to the rest of him. It’s like he’s hiding a couple of hams in his pants, for the winter.

Oh, and also, people opposed to cancer and death played as spectacle are pin-headed philistines. Pin-headed philistines with weirdly misshapen thighs.

Spider-Man, 9/14/09

Today’s strip offers another entertaining moment in Spidey-Dimness, as Peter Parker reveals his total unfamiliarity with the concept of metaphors. “MJ, this is no time for confusing talk about meteorology! I’m busy whining about my constant failure!”

Shoe, 9/14/09

Once again Shoe’s patented Goggle-Eyed Reaction Shot Of Soul-Scraping Horror is right on target, as our mechanic instantly notices that, once the Perfesser’s inevitable slide into poverty reaches the point of homelessness, he’s planning on living in his car by himself. Where will his young ward Skyler be in this scenario? Presumably he’ll have long since been delivered to the Shoe-world’s equivalent of an orphanage, which, since everyone there is a bird, is probably an agro-industrial facility that processes low-grade poultry into soup stock.

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Marvin, 9/6/09

You know, I’m pretty much a prematurely jaded cynic, but sometimes the comics can still surprise me. Marvin in particular always manages to surprise me with the new depths of horror it reaches every week. Let’s review today’s trauma:

• This strip introduces entirely new characters, two bees drawn with the enormous noses that defile the faces of most of the human males populating this feature.
• The bees believe that their purpose in life is to sting people for no good reason by the end of the summer; if these are ordinary honeybees, this is of course a suicide mission.
• The bees are intensely focused on stinging a human on the buttocks, which they refer to as a “rear assault.”
• The bees attempt to sting Marvin on the buttocks, but are prevented by his “padded armor,” which, this being Marvin, presumably includes a layer of feces.
• The bees are crushed to death by Marvin’s ass.

And then, the ultimate insult: the Stars and Stripes, dragged unwilling into the opening panels as some kind of attempt to justify this atrocity. Why does Marvin hate America?

Apartment 3-G, 9/6/09

As is its wont, Sunday’s Apartment 3-G provides us with relatively little new information, but I do think that it throws a couple of important facts into stark relief:

• The Professor is prescribing powerful sleeping pills to Ms. Merrill after she mentions that another doctor gave her some years ago, and is thus violating professional ethics and several laws, because he wants to bone her.
• Margo is almost insanely insensitive. “Yes, I haven’t been to the gallery that Eric owns since he died. So many bad memories there! Not like you, who only associate this place with good thoughts about your dead boyfriend.”

Pluggers, 9/6/09

OH SNAP SINISTER ALLIGATOR/VULTURE MAN-BEASTS! You don’t lay off someone with a nationally syndicated comic unless you want to suffer nationally syndicated comics wrath five months later! I am charmed enough by the righteous burn that I will pass over the laughable notion that any plugger would work in a cubicle job. HEY AFGHAN LADY I BET YOU’RE NOT GOING TO BE SUCH A SNOB ABOUT FREE SAMPLES FOR DINNER ANYMORE, ARE YOU?

Funky Winkerbean, 9/6/09

“Which makes sense, when you consider that it’s not really funny, at all.”

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Ha ha! You all make fun of my frequent vacations from the site, but did you know that last week I went on vacation and still blogged? Truth! I wasn’t able to keep up with the comments as much as I usually do, though, so it may be that some gems passed me by. Nevertheless, I have assembled what I believe to be a pretty hilarious list.

Oh! Wait! But! First there are items, of course. First off is an intriguing note from Bob Weber, Jr., the man behind Slylock Fox! He wants to let all of you guys know that he’s selling original Slylock art; so, if there are particular strips you’re interested in, or if you just want all the strips you can handle for your Reeky Rat shrine, contact him at slylockart@yahoo.com.

And! Faithful reader =Jym= sends us this pic to remind us that there can be love in the terrifying ruins haunted by the damned souls in the Winkerverse:

Perhaps returned hero/shattered shell of a man Wally Winkerbean will be interested, now that he’s single again!

And finally, faithful reader Greg offers this not wholly safe for work look at what that terrifying painting over at Charley’s apartment really looked like.

UPDATE: Guys, I totally almost forgot to add that Dean Booth, longtime faithful reader and proprietor of the always awesome Dean’s Comic Booth, is one of the finalists in this week’s New Yorker cartoon caption contest! Go forth and vote! “My caption isn’t particularly funny, but I think that was the key to my success,” he notes.

And now, without further ado … your comment of the week!

“‘Remember, Margo? You weren’t happy.’ Oh yeah, that narrows things down a lot.” –Sue D. Nymme

And the runners up!

“I hope that isn’t a clean diaper. It’s the least the grandmothers deserve for not leaving Marvin exposed on a mountainside the day he was born.” –Comrade Denny

“Like all taken-in strays, Tommy Libonate will, within minutes, get into a fight with the family dog and urinate all over the tent. God bless him.” –teddytoad

“Also, for the office pool: If no one has taken ‘Hitman in Orange, covered in toxic waste, grows facial hair; Mark punches him,’ then I’d like to call it.” –boojum

“Discussion question: is the idea that Delilah needs her hubby to help her get a book on music theory vanity-published more or less retrograde than the idea that all marital problems can be solved with babies?” –commodorejohn

“Del should just leave musical theory alone — I mean, what the hell did it ever do to her? I think a slim volume of fashion advice is the way to go: The All One-Color-Uniform — Looks Like A Sassy Jumpsuit, Even When It Isn’t! Three pages, easy, and sure to prompt a heap o’ podcasts and twatting.” –curlyfries

“While it’s a generally acknowledged fact that most of the Island of Doctor Moreau-esque abominations that populate the Plugger universe have three paws in the grave, it nonetheless seems needlessly cruel of the comparatively spry movie ticket lady to taunt our elderly protagonist about the fact that he may well not live to see how Paul Blart: Mall Cop turns out.” –Violet

“[Luann] is annoying me because of the way it has completely inverted itself over the years. It started out as a strip about a regular teen girl with a crush on a guy way out of her league, a jerk older brother, and sporadic battles with the ‘in-crowd’ cheerleader-types. Now her brother is Mr. Sensitive, getting wild non-sex from a model with a brain. TJ went from being the only funny guy to being the guy you want to shoot the most. Luann is so loaded with dates that she can’t even choose which beau to not-screw. And I’m feeling sorry for Tiffany. Maybe she’ll hook up with Dirk in a spinoff strip called The Outcasts Who Dare to Have Sex.” –Hogenmogen

“So how detailed did Margo get? Did she tell him to make multiple copies and to roll it up first? Or to remove the staples?” –un malpaso

“I love the chipmunk. I think as far as Jack Elrod is concerned the characters are interchangeable mannequins saying ‘blah blah blah blah blah’ to one another and the real strip is about giant animal closeups. Why does he do this? Are his giant animals not quite good enough for him to be a wildlife illustrator? Is there really no work for someone who can draw individually charismatic chipmunks but can only distinguish between people through hair colour and placement?” –Aviatrix

“I think the chipmunk is named ‘Mark.’ It’s a reasonably common name, and who would you rather talk to? Mark Trail, or a cute little chipmunk? The choice is clear.” –Victor Von

“I’m not sure what Mary is serving Toby, but based on the paleness of the contents of both bowl and pitcher, Mary has taken that old adage to heart: If life gives you a bowl of peeled boiled potatoes, make potato-ade.” –Perky Bird

“I was going to say that the scene in A3G seems awfully jovial for a ‘my boyfriend’s corpse is in an unrecoverable location on the other side of the world’ party, but I suppose it’s not as big a deal as it sounds: as a Buddhist, Eric will be reincarnated, and as a male character in A3G, no one will notice a difference.” –Rachel K

“A medieval city with Gothic architecture and cobblestone streets? No wonder Toby and the professor fell in love all over again — it reminded them of a time when a homely but prominent old man could steal away a child bride and no one would think twice.” -BigTed

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