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Mark Trail, 3/21/09

Now, there are certain aspects of this current Mark Trail storyline that some readers might deem “unrealistic.” For instance, in this suspicious day and age, would the average service employee just start handing out addresses (or, in this case, vague descriptions of cabin locations) of customers to any sideburned prison-orange-clad total strangers who ask? Perhaps not; but then again, would your average counter jockey even know where most of his customers live? I think it’s obvious that our mustachioed barista is, by the very virtue of his mustache, Mark’s sworn enemy. You’ll note that his facial hair is particularly outlandish, with a waxed curlicue on the left side of his face and an unruly bristle on the right; surely such a hairy-lipped cad can’t have lived in such close proximity to Mark for this long and escaped his righteous fists. Too cowardly to seek revenge himself, he instead recognizes a kindred spirit in his fellow baldy, and hopes to set the stage for Mark’s destruction by sending these two ne’er-do-wells right to our hero’s LoFo lair.

Funky Winkerbean, 3/21/09

Funky Winkerbean is cruel both to its characters and to its readers. We’ve endured this strip’s grey drone of depression for long enough; surely we earned the right to see the bloody, limb-severing melée that broke out when Harry Dinkle attempted to “conduct” his symphony. But no, instead of enjoying the catharsis and seeing the band room splattered with gore, we’re only treated to seeing one of the few students who somehow escaped the carnage, still in shock and just starting to come to terms to what she saw. Very unsatisfying.

Crock, 3/21/09

The war crimes trial of Commandant Vermin P. Crock was full of shocking revelations that brought First World citizens face to face with the atrocities that marked the colonial wars fought in their name. But it was the testimony about the Legion’s use of child soldiers that had the biggest impact on world opinion. “I loved those boys!” the defendant professed tearfully on the witness stand. “I made sure they received an excellent education, even in the midst of their military duties!” Was it a cynical attempt to blunt the force of the fury that had risen against him? Or was he genuinely blind to the enormity of what he had done to those children?

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Mark Trail, 3/6/09

I’ve been trying, and failing, to come up with a funny about what appears to be the terrible, terrible ending to this Mark Trail storyline, in which we get to see Patty, after months of living in obvious and sustained terror of her slap-happy, quick-trigger husband, groveling for his forgiveness. It’s OK, you see, because he took his medicine (in the form of some antlers to the solar plexus), and he only did it because he loved her too damn much! Ha ha ha! We should have all known that Ken would turn out to be a good guy because, hey, the man can trim off his facial hair like a pro. And now they’ll live happily ever after, until the murder-suicide.

Mary Worth, 3/6/09

Now, passive-aggressive psychological manipulation in relationships — that’s all good fun. “It also makes people check their common sense at the door! Emotions sometime override intelligent thought! Why, you can find yourself trapped with someone who isn’t as they seem, whose sweetness and light in public disguise their need to control and …” “Jeff, I’ve said repeatedly that Adrian will be fine — why are you still talking? Do you want to be banished back to first base for the rest of the month? Do you?”

Gil Thorp, 3/6/09

Good lord, look at the pupils on New Wave Hairstyle Girl Whose Name I Don’t Know in panel one. By “Ashley,” she clearly means “that enormous bag of Ecstasy I bought yesterday.”

Funky Winkerbean, 3/6/09

Teen Lesbian Locker Room Hookers — coming up next, on the Spice Channel.

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Beetle Bailey, 2/18/09

“…unwilling to perform oral sex…”

Er, OK, now that I’ve gotten that crass joke out of the way, can someone please explain why Miss Buxley is sporting the Cousin Itt look in the second panel? Is she suddenly ashamed of her quite public mooning over the strip’s title character? Has she realized that even in the sweetheart’s picture on her desk, her paramour’s eyes are invisible, and she’s doing it in some kind of misguided solidarity? Does she even have enough hair to realistically flip over her face like that? Have we just never seen her right profile before?

Cathy, 2/18/09

I break my usual code of silence about Cathy to point out that today’s installment revolves around two dudes’ fantasy of an office lunchtime conversation degenerating into hot girl-on-girl action. It’s enough to make you forget that this is probably the first time the word “colon” has appeared in the strip.

Funky Winkerbean, 2/18/09

It’s true! Her jumper shits, the presence of her arch-rival bitches, and her dad’s new relationship assholes. In other words, everything motherfuckers.

Herb and Jamaal, 2/18/09

Ha ha! Herb is smirking while he imagines his mother-in-law being tortured, in hell, for all of eternity! How charitable of him.

Actually, in keeping with this strip’s total commitment to nonspecificity, Herb doesn’t actually mention hell per se. People of all faiths are invited to imagine whatever kind of system of post-death punishments they prefer, so long as it involves fire.

Family Circus, 2/18/09

This cartoon would be vaguely amusing, and not a savage exposé of Billy’s profound stupidity, if these kids weren’t actually looking at the test papers they were discussing. It’s a wonder Mommy even bothers writing Billy’s name in tiny letters at the bottom corner of his lunch, because he’s surely too dim to read it.