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Herb and Jamaal, 3/13/25

Ha, no, see, Herb’s mother-in-law, “doomscrolling” just means when you keep going through your social media feeds on your phone, hoping for a little glimmer of something positive but instead only finding bad news that makes you increasingly gloomy. It does not mean the thing where you’re on your phone and you suddenly get a vivid and detailed vision of your own future death, but then just as quickly that awful omen vanishes from sight. I mean, I can see why you’d think that’s what doomscrolling might mean, what with it offering you premonitions of your own doom and all! But it doesn’t really happen often enough for people to give it a name, I don’t think. Does it, uh, often happen to you?

Mary Worth, 3/13/25

Dawn, there’s no need to be condescending to your old dad, he is not “pen pals” with a nice lady he met on a tour of a collectable spoon factory or something, he met a woman at an all-inclusive resort and they fucked for two weeks and now he’s messaging her using his computer or phone, both devices that have cameras built in just in case the light and friendly banter takes a turn towards the naked, and if you choose to continue to live in this house you will have to get used to that idea.

Gearhead Gertie, 3/13/25

“She’s actually just pretty much unhappy all the time, and quite frankly it’s difficult to live with.”

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Archie, 2/13/25

Of course, you’ve seen a bunch of comics and cartoons and know that spiciness represented by literal flames and smoke emerging from a person’s gullet is a common visual trope. But the characters in today’s Archie rerun? Well, they apparently have not. “Wow, look at all that smoke,” says Archie, alarmingly calm. “I guess I really underestimated what was going on in Jughead’s digestive tract.”

Herb and Jamaal, 2/13/25

When I returned to the Herb and Jamaal well after many years, I of course wondered: does this strip still “got it,” with “it” being a perverse tendency to eschew proper nouns and make things as generic as possible, even when it’s clearly writing about something specific and indeed torn from the headlines? Well, I’m here to report that, by referring to a “bird illness” today, in the midst of the worsening H5N1 bird flu outbreak, the strip demonstrates that it very much does got it. Maybe this strip was written last week, maybe it was written during several other intermittent avian influenza pandemics that have occurred over the past several decades, and maybe it will be used again and again as new and exciting disease forms ravage our egg supply chain, and I for one think that’s beautiful.

Daddy Daze, 2/13/25

Oh, hey, have you wondered what the Daddy Daze daddy is up to? Well, it seems he yearns for death. It’s not great!

Gearhead Gertie, 2/13/25

Remember, folks, if you go over to your friend’s house to watch NASCAR, and they own a dog but their living room isn’t covered in shit and piss, they’re loser fake fans and you should leave in a huff

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Gearhead Gertie, 1/23/25

Today’s Gearhead Gertie is actually a pretty great commentary about how modern fandoms of all stripes have slowly transformed from genuine expressions of enthusiasm into parasocial relationships between fans and the corporations that churn out the content they crave. You’d think that a NASCAR superfan would need a drone in order to get views of the race from angles that you simply can’t see on TV or even sitting in the stands. But no, Gertie would simply never dream of violating the sacred media rights agreements NASCAR has signed with their distribution partners FOX Sports, NBC Sports, Amazon’s Prime Video, and TNT Sports. Instead, she’s using the drone to harass the unfortunate workers tasked with delivering the overpriced licensed trinkets that tide her over between officially sanctioned broadcasts of racing action.

Marvin, 1/23/25

I must offer further grudging respect to Marvin for reaching new levels of villainy this week. Sure, “I should get to piss and shit myself as long as I want and that’s my parents’ problem” is grotesque, but it honestly pales in comparison to “Your parents are doing something for you because it makes you happy, which is a psyop. Do not fall for it and express any pleasure whatsoever!”

Mary Worth, 1/23/25

Wait, Jared, are you counting Jess, who you dumped Dawn for, and who I’m pretty sure has never interacted with her before today, as Dawn’s friend? Because I don’t think that really counts! I don’t think you really count, to be perfectly honest.