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Archie, 2/13/25

Of course, you’ve seen a bunch of comics and cartoons and know that spiciness represented by literal flames and smoke emerging from a person’s gullet is a common visual trope. But the characters in today’s Archie rerun? Well, they apparently have not. “Wow, look at all that smoke,” says Archie, alarmingly calm. “I guess I really underestimated what was going on in Jughead’s digestive tract.”

Herb and Jamaal, 2/13/25

When I returned to the Herb and Jamaal well after many years, I of course wondered: does this strip still “got it,” with “it” being a perverse tendency to eschew proper nouns and make things as generic as possible, even when it’s clearly writing about something specific and indeed torn from the headlines? Well, I’m here to report that, by referring to a “bird illness” today, in the midst of the worsening H5N1 bird flu outbreak, the strip demonstrates that it very much does got it. Maybe this strip was written last week, maybe it was written during several other intermittent avian influenza pandemics that have occurred over the past several decades, and maybe it will be used again and again as new and exciting disease forms ravage our egg supply chain, and I for one think that’s beautiful.

Daddy Daze, 2/13/25

Oh, hey, have you wondered what the Daddy Daze daddy is up to? Well, it seems he yearns for death. It’s not great!

Gearhead Gertie, 2/13/25

Remember, folks, if you go over to your friend’s house to watch NASCAR, and they own a dog but their living room isn’t covered in shit and piss, they’re loser fake fans and you should leave in a huff

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Gearhead Gertie, 1/23/25

Today’s Gearhead Gertie is actually a pretty great commentary about how modern fandoms of all stripes have slowly transformed from genuine expressions of enthusiasm into parasocial relationships between fans and the corporations that churn out the content they crave. You’d think that a NASCAR superfan would need a drone in order to get views of the race from angles that you simply can’t see on TV or even sitting in the stands. But no, Gertie would simply never dream of violating the sacred media rights agreements NASCAR has signed with their distribution partners FOX Sports, NBC Sports, Amazon’s Prime Video, and TNT Sports. Instead, she’s using the drone to harass the unfortunate workers tasked with delivering the overpriced licensed trinkets that tide her over between officially sanctioned broadcasts of racing action.

Marvin, 1/23/25

I must offer further grudging respect to Marvin for reaching new levels of villainy this week. Sure, “I should get to piss and shit myself as long as I want and that’s my parents’ problem” is grotesque, but it honestly pales in comparison to “Your parents are doing something for you because it makes you happy, which is a psyop. Do not fall for it and express any pleasure whatsoever!”

Mary Worth, 1/23/25

Wait, Jared, are you counting Jess, who you dumped Dawn for, and who I’m pretty sure has never interacted with her before today, as Dawn’s friend? Because I don’t think that really counts! I don’t think you really count, to be perfectly honest.

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Dennis the Menace and Curtis, 12/19/24

Well, I guess yesterday’s Curtis is the start of an arc about how the kids today celebrate holidays differently, using technology, and I like that Greg’s exhausted facial expression tells us what he thinks about this but he still will only say philosophically that the only constant is change, all is vanity, etc., etc. Dennis the Menace put cyber-Christmas advocacy in the mouth of its most annoying character as well, but otherwise doesn’t outwardly condemn it. And if they won’t, I will. This is tacky and it sucks! Curtis, that app was a trick to get you to download cryptomining malware onto your phone, and Margaret, you are texting with a scammer in Southeast Asia who will convince you to send him your parents’ credit card and Social Security numbers by the end of the year.

Gearhead Gertie, 12/19/24

Speaking of celebrating Christmas differently, I’m not actually that interested in the fact that instead of enjoying classic modern-day Christmas tales Gertie would rather — surprise! — consume NASCAR-related content. I’m more curious about who the other two people on this couch are. Do Gertie and her increasingly alienated husband have [squints] a daughter and a grandson, or perhaps two grandchildren, and they’re staying together for their benefit? Or are these just two people they recruited off the street because they needed a “rule of three” setup for Gertie’s punchline? (Fun fact: Gertie thinks the “rule of three” is when Dale Earnhardt descends from heaven and implements his thousand-year kingdom on Earth).

Hi and Lois, 12/19/24

Remember: due to the oddnesses of comic-book time, we’ve been enjoying Trixie’s antics since the Eisenhower Administration, but she’s been alive for less than a year. This is the first time she’s ever experienced winter. She thinks Sunbeam, her only friend, is old and dying. Pretty bleak!