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Gil Thorp, 11/18/19

Well, weeks after making the mistake of trying to blow the whistle to Milford’s “mainstream” (i.e., Thorp-friendly) press, Chet is doing what he should’ve done in the first place, which is talk to Marty Moon, preferably in a context where Marty can get as drunk as possible with a non-Marty person paying for the drinks. So the setup is right, but the execution is botched. Marty says he’s listening but you can see in panel three that he’s already tuning out Chet’s blather about “two-a-days” and “Sam Finn” or whatever. C’mon, Chet! Lead with the scissors-throwing! Everyone loves a good scissors-throwing!

Family Circus, 11/18/19

“Daddy” may be back at the help of the Family Circus, but the layers of narrative artifice on display during “Billy (age 7)’s run” are still present. Dolly prays to the Christian God, but He does not exist within the Circus’s circle; the Father and Creator is downstairs, watching football. (Of course, in real life, this God is dead, and in-panel reality is sustained by Jeffy, depicted here as His prophet.)

Mary Worth, 11/18/19

Crouching in your office chair, airing your hairy legs out and pressing an ice pack gingerly against one side of your head doesn’t exactly scream “patented hangover cure” to me, but I guess Wilbur’s the expert! I don’t want to say every plotline in Mary Worth should involve Wilbur getting dumped or otherwise romantically devastated, but, like, every fourth one or so? That’d be great.

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Gil Thorp, 11/6/19

Aww, sweet injustice-hating Chance Macy nobly faked an injury so that his backup (who is the stepson of his antagonist) could get some playing time and a touchdown in a game where the Mudlarks were already way ahead. Could this guy get any more saintly? Looking forward to Chet getting unmasked and then dumped from the school board and then Charlie Roh’s mom divorces him and then he’s ritually burned to death in next year’s bonfire.

Mary Worth, 11/6/19

See, the difference between me and Wilbur is that if I were drunk and trying to needle a romantic rival about his name, the worst I could do is wonder why a woman would think she had honored a person with a totally normal name lke “Zachary” by giving her son the dumb misspelled name “Zak,” but Wilbur just went there with “Zachary fucked your mom, LOL,” huh? Anyway, shoutout to everyone who only just today discovered that “lovely but stern late-middle-aged woman jams a spring roll down a hapless doofus’s throat while a handsome man watches, smiling” is their primary fetish.

Funky Winkerbean, 11/6/19

“It was cold-blooded murder! I left those keys where I knew he would find them! And I’m not sorry! I’m not sorry at all!”

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Pajama Diaries, 11/1/19

Ha ha, remember when an innocent discussion with her daughter about social media profile pics led to Pajama Diaries Mom Whose Name I Forget chattily bringing up the constant intrusive thoughts she has about her imminent kidnapping? Well, tonight, when she’s just out having some fun drinking wine with her gal pals, she talks about how one extremely normal recurring worry she has is that for some reason in the future she’ll be in a coma indefinitely, technically alive but insensate and trapped in an interminable kind of living death, yet still subject to the crushing demands that the patriarchy makes on women’s personal appearance. Imagine your mind trapped in a useless husk of a body, screaming endlessly but silently because you think the doctors who occasionally stop by your room to change your feeding tube will think “gee, this one has really let herself go”! They say people want to see representation of others like them in the media, but as a guy with anxiety, this all just makes me increasingly uncomfortable and I’d honestly rather not!

Hagar the Horrible, 11/1/19

I was going to point out that taking a dog for a walk for “exercise” is generally a euphemism for getting him out of the house so he can pee, but then I remembered Hagar is a uncultured Viking living in a tiny dirt-floored hut in rural Norway. He probably pees on the floor himself if it’s cold out!

Gil Thorp, 11/1/19

Oh wow, it turns out Chance only threw scissors at another kid because he hates injustice so much. C’MON MAN. I’ve now totally revised my opinion on this plot, Chet is absolutely right to air as much of Chance’s dirty laundry as possible to put this self-righteous jerk in his place and get his stepson that starting RB job.

Dustin, 11/1/19

“Like, I don’t want cereal that helps me poop! I want cereal that I want to fuck.”