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Blondie, 2/9/18

There has, of course, been a lot of political drama on the Korean peninsula of late, but tensions lifted a few notches this month when the two Korean states came to a deal over North Korea’s participation in the Olympics — they’re even going to field a unified ice hockey team! But it appears all this goodwill was just a smokescreen to allow North Korean agents to infiltrate the opening ceremony and briefly delay the lighting of the opening flame, which in turn served as a post-hypnotic trigger for their agent living under deep cover in the United States. The first step in the spy’s carefully programmed operational sequence: prepare himself a hearty meal. He’ll need the energy for the carnage ahead.

Judge Parker, 2/9/18

Wow, I have to say, back when April and her father were busy busting out of jail and trying to lure Judges Parker Junior and Senior into dangerous, whirlwind lives of fugitives from the law, I did not expect that just a few short weeks later Alan and Katherine would be irritating their fellow B&B guests with their transparent sexual satisfaction. So does this place cater specifically to old grumps and their much younger partners or what? I certainly hope the beds are easy to get in and out of!

Gil Thorp, 2/9/18

OH MY GOD, MARTY MOON’S GOING TO GET IN TROUBLE FOR BEING RACIST ON THE AIR

IT’S EVERYTHING I’VE EVER WANTED

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Shoe, 2/7/18

Hey, so, uh, it’s a real tasty mashup of shapeless joke building in today’s Shoe, isn’t it? There’s two potential ways this joke could actually make sense: Uncle Lou could’ve quit the accounting firm to go work for the Food Network, and now he does the books for the cooks, or he could’ve quit the police force to become a producer for the Food Network, and now he books the cooks. Only the second one works with Shoe’s Goggle Eyes of Horror™. It’s like they started with the “accounting … books” thing and then made their way to a slightly different punchline and then, like, forgot they could go back and change the beginning before they submitted it. It’s so aggressively half-assed that I almost have to respect it.

Gil Thorp, 2/7/18

Sure, Paloma’s angry about the state of her home island, but now she’s getting some insight into mainland politics. Turns out it’s a thin veneer of democratic process that can’t cover up a broken, unresponsive system anymore!

Crankshaft, 2/7/18

America’s response to its out-of-control opioid crisis is growing increasingly punitive — like, did you know that in many states you have to keep prescription meds in the bottle with the original label at all times, making it technically illegal to use those pill organizers? What I’m saying is, Crankshaft will never face punishment for any of his actual crimes, so if his house ends up getting raided by the local SWAT team after his doctor reports his transparent drug-seeking behavior, I’m totally OK with it.

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Gil Thorp, 2/5/18

Ahh, it looks like our Puerto Rican refugees are integrating into Milfordian society! Jorge is learning how boys on the mainland roughhouse (by … throwing towels near each other in the showers, I guess???); Paloma, meanwhile, is falling in with the “political” girls, who hold a wide and divergent group of beliefs but still hang out together because being nonspecifically “political” is a group identity that real people have in real life, sure! They’re also blending in via another important technique: becoming white! Sure, the population of Puerto Rico encompasses a wide variety of skin tones, but most people generally stick with the one they have rather than becoming paler after spending a few weeks in whatever Great Lakes-adjacent state Milford is in.

Funky Winkerbean, 2/5/18

Most of the depressing plots in Funky Winkerbean involve death: death from cancer, or CTE, or what have you. But Harry’s stricken face in the final panel reveals that for a Funkyverse denizen, the prospect of continuing to live indefinitely is terrifying in and of itself.

Crankshaft, 2/5/18

FUN FACT: the actual reason is that the Kansas City Federal Reserve decided to start an annual conference in 1982 and wanted to convince then-Fed chair Paul Volcker to come, and so decided to put it in Jackson Hole because Volcker loved fly-fishing! This has been going on for 25 years just to cater some old rich dude’s hobbies, even though the rich old dude has been in that job since 1987! The world is dumber than even Crankshaft can imagine