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Gil Thorp, 9/17/18

More often than not Gil Thorp will follow a couple, sometimes interrelated, plots over the course of a sports season, and it looks like we’re getting two football plots this year: whatever the heck’s going on with Tiki Jansen, and some long snapper drama. Special teams are the goofiest part of football, so I’m extremely excited to see them get the spotlight in Gil Thorp this year. It seems that the long snapper is also the best punter, and for those of you who don’t follow football, this is a problem because the punter is the person the long snapper hurls the ball to, in the graceful position demonstrated in panel one. My sincere hope is that this dilemma is solved using cloning, or possibly time travel.

Mary Worth, 9/17/18

“Mr. Wynter, I just wanted to see how you were coping after your tragic loss. I know what it’s like to lose someone dear myself! In my case that someone was my husband, a human being, who some might say is a little more worthy of grief than a mere animal, but I won’t comment on that one way or another. Also, my husband left me a good deal of money after his demise, ensuring my financial stability. Did your dog leave you any money? At any rate, I hope this can of processed salmon is of comfort to you!” [she gently lobs the can of salmon at Mr. Wynter; he fails to catch it and it hits him square in the face]

Family Circus, 9/17/18

I was briefly thinking that at least one of Dolly’s grandmas was dead and only seen in the strip in ghost form. I was wrong, of course — it’s her maternal grandfather I’m thinking of — but wouldn’t it be funny if I was right, and Dolly was beseeching God to keep the heat turned up on her grandmother’s damned soul, in hell? Anyway, long story short, I’m a bad person.

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Gil Thorp, 9/11/18

So Tiki Jansen turns out to be transfer student, which is how he gets to both be a “rookie” who doesn’t know the name of the Mudlarks’ favorite post-game hangout but also be old enough to drive a car. Not just any car, of course, but a nasty car. The nastiest car. Has anyone in the history of the English language referred to an old, beat-up car as “nasty” before, outside of this comic strip? I sure the heck am going forward. Beware, old beat-up cars: I will be pointing at you saying “check out that nasty car” from here on in!

Crankshaft, 9/11/18

Looks like my change dot org petition to bomb Crankshaft from space finally got enough signatures!

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Spider-Man, 9/7/18

Oh, right, so it turns out the secret plan of the Golden Claw-Kingpin partnership is the classic “lure all the other crime bosses to a meeting under the guise of forming a city-wide crime alliance, only to use the meeting as an excuse to massacre your rivals” trick, which you’d think criminals would figure out, seeing at the other people they’re dealing with are also criminals! Anyway, today we learn that the site of this meeting is … the theater where MJ’s hit play Picture Perfect is running, except that it’s closed for structur[al reasons?] and doesn’t seem to have moved elsewhere, so how big a hit could it be, really? Long story short, the criminals Golden Claw and the Kingpin lure to the Mammon won’t be the first to die on that stage, if you know what I mean. (I’m referring to MJ “dying” metaphorically in front of an audience, since I assume she’s a terrible actress.)

Funky Winkerbean, 9/7/18

I’m not sure if Bull is supposed to be actually quite bothered that his record being broken and he’s just being manic and upbeat to cover it up, or if we’re just meant to understand that his grasp on lucidity is becoming more and more tenuous, but either way this is a knee-slappingly hilarious strip! “Starting to sound like a broken record!” Ha ha, polysemy!

Judge Parker, 9/7/18

Some dude just stone-cold getting his neck snapped while some lady looks on, screaming in terror? Sure, why not! It’s not your grandpa’s comics section anymore, baby! Unless your grandpa likes seeing comics page murders! Maybe he does. I don’t know his life, man.

Gil Thorp, 9/7/18

Wow, ouch for Tiki Jansen. Not sure who he is but it sure sounds like he sucks!