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Mary Worth, 2/1/18

This Great Muffin Caper storyline is turning into quite the morality play, isn’t it? Everyone is urging Mary to cash in on her muffin business, and by describing what Mary would gain from such a move, revealing what they themselves most deeply desire. Ted, the salesman who never quite hit it big, imagines that she could “make a mint”; Jeff, as always starry-eyed over his beloved, wants the rest of the world to appreciate the joy she brings into the lives of everyone she touches. And Toby? Toby, who spent her boho youth as an artist in Greenwich Village and is spending her trophy-wife early middle age occasionally showcasing her kitschy figurines at unjuried art shows in downtown Santa Royale? Toby wants Mary to experience the fame that she fears will forever elude her, if only so she can experience it second-hand.

Gil Thorp, 2/1/18

Meanwhile, the Milford boy’s basketball team has toppled La Junta, the cadre of high-ranking military officers who had seized control of the U.S. government some months before. And yes, it’s laudable that they restored democracy, but shouldn’t they be focusing on winning the Valley Conference?

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Six Chix, 1/18/18

I feel like I need to apologize, because this comic is basically pretty terrible, but I also kind of love it??? Like, I can’t parse its internal logic at all — clearly the “contgratulations, it’s a” balloon is a take off of the gender-denoting balloons for parents of infants we know and love, so did they give birth to this obnoxious teen, or did he spring forth self-living from one of their foreheads, or did he come in the mail, or what — but I still love his grinning, obnoxious teen face. “Hey guys!” he seems to be saying. “Guess what! I’m here, and I suck.”

Mary Worth, 1/18/18

I don’t have kids myself, so probably I don’t get to weigh in on this, but just because your child loves you, maybe that isn’t in and of itself a sign that you’re a good parent? Maybe another sign of good parenting would be if she goes through an emotional trauma and confides in you rather than just never mentioning it, I dunno. Anyway, even Wilbur’s theoretical sticker is baffling, since (a) “sticker” makes it sound like a bumper sticker, but apparently he’s imagining that he’d “wear” it, and (b) “How are my parenting skills?” gives way too much leeway to your interlocutor to just start telling you their opinions. If you’re just looking for a conversation starter that’ll let you boast, try “Ask me about my parenting skills!” But if you’re asking me about your parenting skills, well, this blog is already on the record with some opinions.

Rex Morgan, 1/18/18

So, it turns out the Morgans’ schlubby-ass lawyer is in fact trying to bring together the battling parties to reach a compromise that leaves everyone feeling like they had some of their needs met, instead of just spending as much energy as possible destroying his clients’ enemies financially and emotionally. As panel three makes very clear, this won’t do at all.

Spider-Man, 1/18/18

Oh, uh, it turns out getting an infusion of Hulk blood doesn’t turn Doctor Connors into a Hulk, it turns him into the Lizard, which is kind of weird because it was some other serum that turned him into the Lizard in the first place. Like when multiple different things injected into your body all turn you into the Lizard, maybe the problem isn’t the things being injected into you, maybe the problem is you, you know what I’m saying? Also, I assumed that the whole Lizard situation was a “human transformed into dumb rampaging beast against his will” deal, but now that I know the Lizard can talk, and use his powers of speech to talk about himself in the third person, I have significantly less sympathy for him.

Family Circus, 1/18/18

I am immediately intrigued by the idea of child-proof pants, but I have to imagine there’s a real cost-benefit analysis you have to run with them. Is the danger of Jeffy soiling himself outweighed by the danger of Jeffy exposing himself?

Gil Thorp, 1/18/18

“WOW THESE ISLAND PEOPLE GET ALL THE FREE HAMBURGERS AND BACKUP VARSITY SLOTS THEY WANT JUST BECAUSE THEY GOT SLIGHTLY HURRICANED, IT DOESN’T SEEM FAIR, DOES IT” –the syndicated newspaper comic strip Gil Thorp, I guess????

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Gil Thorp, 1/15/18

It’s time for a new storyline in Gil Thorp, the strip about high school sports that isn’t afraid to get topical, the strip that was doing storylines about DREAMers way back in 2008, the strip that has the guts to say that head injuries are bad but football is great. Looks like this spring we’re going to be spending time with a couple refugees from Hurricane Maria, one of whom has a real bad attitude about her homeland’s devastation, unlike her brother who’s just a real chill guy. Will all their problems be solved with high school sports? Probably!

Funky Winkerbean, 1/15/18

God, imagine a future dystopia where humanity has ceded its autonomy to a soulless, implacable “machine” — a machine that, for instance, can tell when you’re using the photocopier at work to xerox copies of your new terrible graphic novel about your dead wife so you can personally hand them to your friends who keep saying “the attachment didn’t come through on that email you sent.” Well, you don’t have to imagine it, because it’s here. Welcome to hell, where death by cancer is a blessed relief.

Family Circus, 1/15/18

I know Billy is supposed to be making snow angels in the background, but I’d really like to believe he’s just flailing around out there, rubbing his gross little body all over the lawn, to claim the snow. “It’s my snow, asshole!” he gleefully yells at Jeffy. “You can’t have it!”