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Mark Trail, 3/31/17

Whoa, whoa, whoa there Mark Trail, after boring, interminable days of black-footed ferret and prairie dog survey talk and even more boring, interminable days of Mark taking Rusty fishing and promising to take Rusty and Cherry on a trip to Mexico at some unspecified time in the future, which was so boring and interminable that I didn’t even bother discussing it here, we have some abrupt whiplash as we’re suddenly thrust into the seedy, violent South Dakota underworld. I guess Johnny and Mark are going to do less ferret/prairie dog counting and more punching and/or avoiding getting shot! It would be “too bad” if they fell victim to gunplay.

Gil Thorp, 3/31/17

Wait wait hold up: Ken Brown’s mom is the same judge who put erstwhile Most Unpleasant Mudlark Barry “Darth” Bader’s dad in jail last year? Frustratingly, I didn’t post any of the strips where she appears, but I’m pretty sure this is her, plus how many Mudlarks could possibly have judge moms, anyway? Sure, she her name is “Hiatt,” not Brown, but a liberal feminazi who refuses to take her husband’s name is exactly the sort of judicial activist who thinks an upstanding businessman who maybe had a drink or two should go to prison just because he killed someone with his car.

Beetle Bailey, 3/31/17

Man, if you need a quick primer on the priorities of the staff of Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC, compare the loving, idyllic representation of a golf course in panel two to the featureless void that is General Halftrack’s office in panel one.

Mary Worth, 3/31/17

“Oh, you welcome all helpful hints?” asks Mary. Her eyes glow a dull red. “You’re voluntarily requesting helpful hints from me,” she says. Her jaw unhinges and the top of her head flips back, revealing an infinitely black maw. “I have so many helpful hints to give you. So many.” A terrible fluttering of filthy wings blots out first all other sounds and then the sun, yet somehow they can still hear her. “SO MANY. SO HELPFUL.”

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Gil Thorp, 3/30/17

As usual, once this Gil Thorp plot shifted from its insane setup to its inane resolution, I sort of lost interest in it, and I apologize! Quick summary: Aaron’s mom is on drugs and so he often goes hungry because she’s spending the grocery money on drugs, which affected his athletic performance, so Gil took him out to eat a lot, and it seemed like maybe Aaron was going to get sent into foster care and he was mad at the Freezy Bomb Boys for inadvertently narcing on her, but then she agreed to go to rehab and came to a game where Aaron did well and now it turns out that the family of one of the Freezy Bomb Boys will be letting Aaron live in their basement, and presumably feeding him. I’m not clear on whether this guy’s Ken Brown or Mike Granger, but whoever he is, I hope he likes having raves in his basement, because Aaron is definitely going to be throwing a bunch of raves in his basement.

Dennis the Menace, 3/30/17

I will sheepishly admit that “Dennis cheerfully blurts out all the shit his parents talk about their friends and coworkers behind their backs” is one of my favorite from the list of typical menacing actions in this strip. You’d really think that the Mitchells would have figured out that little pitchers have big ears and no sense of discretion by this time, although what with Dennis being eternally five, who knows, maybe every single Dennis panel over the past 66 years only takes place over six months or so of strip time so they haven’t gotten used to it yet? Anyway, Henry really shouldn’t be speaking ill of four-time NFL Pro Bowler Alex Karras, who could almost certainly beat him up.

Family Circus, 3/30/17

Ha ha, it’s funny because the other Keane Kids don’t care about Billy’s emotional distress and would rather watch their TV show about a businessman mouse who lives in the jungle!

Blondie, 3/30/317

Having been thoroughly enervated by the ennui of suburban middle-class life, Dagwood can only be cheered by the prospect of his own agonizing death.

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Pluggers, 3/2/17

You know, Pluggers has blurred the line between beasts and beast-people before, and they’ve even hinted at the kind of sexual relations that mark a universe where there’s a spectrum of sapience, but this — this is pretty explicit. Too far, Pluggers. Too far! The fact that the credit for this “joke” is given to a name that very well could be given to a dog is extremely not helping.

Gil Thorp, 3/2/17

Ugh, fine, Aaron isn’t actually on drugs, it seems; his mom’s on drugs, like far too many economically downwardly mobile Americans these days. I’m still not sure why he does well at basketball around payday? Shouldn’t that be when his mom can afford her drugs? I kind of want the payday thing to be a total red herring just to prove that the Freezy Bomb Boys were entirely wrong about literally everything.

Mary Worth, 3/2/17

Hey, speaking of America’s out-of-control opioid crisis, what’s going on in Mary Worth? Well, once again, it turns out that Iris has been so caught up in her own frivolous hobbies (before it was pursuing higher education, and this time it was fucking a 25-year-old) that she’s neglected her pill-addict son. Don’t worry, though: Jesus, who has long been Tommy’s hairstyle icon, is now also his not-giving-in-to-the-temptations-of-sweet-sweet-Vicodin icon.

Mark Trail, 3/2/17

Haha, Cherry sure seems anxious in panel two, doesn’t she? “Wasn’t someone out there doing a black-footed ferret and prairie dog survey? A bear isn’t going to help that at all! A bear can really mess up that kind of thing! I don’t remember who it was who was doing the survey exactly, but if they run into a bear, that survey is toast! This is terrible! I’m not going to be able to sleep at night, thinking about all the work what’s-his-name is putting into that black-footed ferret and prairie dog survey, which just is going to be ruined by some dumb bear!” “How’s Johnny doing? We haven’t seen him in years!” says Doc, pointedly ignoring everything his daughter is saying.

Shoe, 3/2/17

“I tried that once. It made me constantly aware of the crushing aesthetic demands that our society places on women, and let me tell you: no thanks.”