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Gil Thorp, 8/24/23

“Take it up with mother nature, coach! Ever since the Great Blight killed most of the trees, we can’t spare wood for frivolous purposes like ceremonial bonfires. And if scientists don’t figure out how to extract oxygen from the ocean soon, I think we’re all going to be too fatigued to engage in vigorous athletic activity anyway.”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/24/23

This is the moment when Wanda realizes that neither of these guys is on the verge of ordering anything and she definitely does not have to keep standing there.

Mary Worth, 8/24/23

Thanks for being the voice of moral clarity, Eve! It wasn’t right that Greta was dognapped, no matter what people say. Who’s saying that it was right? Well, I’m not sure, but I be we could start some rumors that seem plausible enough. Was it Toby? It was Toby, wasn’t it? She and Ian don’t seem like “dog people,” if you know what I mean (I mean they’re monsters).

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Gil Thorp, 8/22/23

I guess Coach Hernandez didn’t realize that his redemption and plush new job at Milford would come with a price, until Gil informed him that, as Milford athletics director, he’d be exercising the ancient droit du seigneur with Mrs. Hernandez in Luke’s own condo, as detailed in the Valley Conference bylaws. Sorry, Luke, but being on the Mudlark coaching staff means participating in an endless cycle of cuckoldry.

Beetle Bailey, 8/22/23

Well, Sarge, while “Jumpin’ Jehoshaphat” is a minced oath, with the biblical king’s name substituting for “Jesus,” Jehoshaphat is in fact a theophoric name that means “Yahweh has judged.” So whenever you say it, you’re actually referencing the forbidden tetragrammaton, so, uh, yeah, you’d better put a dollar in that swear jar and you’re lucky that’s your only punishment.

Pluggers, 8/22/23

Pluggers need a dedicated team of highly skilled professionals just to keep them alive.

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Hello, everybody! I’m back from my relaxing vacation, tanned, rested, and ready to mock the crap out of some comics. I must as always give thanks to Uncle Lumpy for his admirable fill-in work, and thanks to everyone who generously donated to the 2023 Summer Fundraiser. (Contributors will get individual thanks soon!)

You ever notice that Uncle Lumpy always gets to cover the really exciting things that happen in Mary Worth? We all remember that time back in 2009 when he got to breathlessly narrate the botched Operation H-Town Raid; this year, he was in the saddle while Mary spent the better part of the week cruising around Santa Royale in this charming bicycle:

And just as a butterfly flapping its wings in the Amazon can set in motion a series of events that ultimately results in a hurricane hitting Florida, so too did Mary’s little jaunt result in…

Mary Worth, 8/15/23

…an evening at the Bum Boat where she gets real deep into her extremely boring philosophy about, like, social cohesion or whatever. Jeff has long since tuned her out and for most of the last 20 minutes has been thinking about the hit 2004 film The Butterfly Effect, starring Ashton Kutcher and Amy Smart.

Judge Parker, 8/15/23

Meanwhile, over in Judge Parker, Sam is being recruited to probably do a murder by a Russian (?) mobster (??) just because he managed to slightly outpace a kidnapper so that said kidnapper got eaten by a bear. Look, man, he just wants to have sex with his ex-wife, OK? Will you give him some time to do that, if he kills this guy you want killed? Because he’ll do it if he has to.

Gil Thorp, 8/15/23

Meanwhile, Gil is teaching new Mudlark wresting coach Luke Hernandez why he can be so magnanimous: because he and Milford have deep financial resources that make life much more comfortable. It’s easy to be kind to your defeated foes when, win or lose, your facilities make Valley Tech’s look like some kind of makeshift concentration camp. And all Milford has to do to secure this bounty is humor “Pop,” the local eccentrically dressed billionaire who’s happy to underwrite the athletic department’s every whim, so long as he gets to hunt one underperforming junior for sport on his private island every semester.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/15/23

As America’s most beloved comics blogger, I hereby authorize each and every one of you to use “Sorry, I was busy running an online auction” as an excuse for being late or just generally not paying attention to other people. Go ahead! It’s easy and fun!