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Momma, 10/19/07

His face is as always crudely drawn, but whatever Francis spent the evening talking to his mother about, it certainly put the fear of God into him, or at least the fear of Momma. I tried to imagine what Momma could have said to him that would have inspired the expression of exhausted terror he’s showing in panel one, but then I thought better of it. I imagine it was like whatever Hannibal Lector says to the crazy guy in the cell next door to him in Silence of the Lambs that convinces him to commit suicide.

Family Circus, 10/19/07

Oh, Dolly, you’re still so young and innocent! Soon you’ll revel in your ability to kill with your mind.

Gil Thorp, 10/19/07

Word of advice, kid: If a dude’s done time, you do not want to “invite him to the Bucket.”

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For Better Or For Worse, 10/15/07

It’s here! Michael’s horrible, soul-killing abomination of a book, Stone Season, is here!! Oh happy day! Robin, the reason the book is so heavy isn’t because it lacks pictures. (Isn’t a picture as heavy as a thousand words, anyway?) It’s because the book contains a greater suck-to-page ratio than any book ever published before in the English language. You be careful with it, because it could collapse into a black hole of awful at any moment.

(By the way, you may think I’m being unfair and saying Michael’s book is crappy based only on some kind of generalized anti-Foob feeling; but if you’re saying that, you haven’t read the excerpts on the FBOFW site. Go on, find them in Michael’s letters … if you dare.)

It’s good to see that Deanna, who has long been consigned to child-raising and house-maintenance duties, has accepted her position as a mere employee in Michael Patterson’s Wonderful Life and has agreed to wear a name tag. Hey, wait a minute — Deanna’s a plugger! It’s the next logical step in the downward spiral of degradation.

Gil Thorp, 10/15/07

Ah, the anti-Cully hate is rising; I expect a torch-wielding mob to have formed by the end of the week. Only the student at right in panel two seems to be having second thoughts. “Gee, what happened with Cully was an accident! How can this school be so closed-minded? Now I’m afraid of what will happen if they find out I wasn’t born a biological female!”

Mark Trail, 10/15/07

GAH, WHY WON’T THIS STORYLINE STOP? At least Thomas is becoming amusingly intoxicated with all the attention he’s getting for his do-gooderism. Soon he’ll go completely over the edge, running around the forest desperately looking for a cute animal to hug.

Marmaduke, 10/15/07

His appetite for bones becoming ever more insatiable, Marmaduke has somehow convinced “Ace” to exhume a mass grave.

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Apartment 3-G, 10/12/07

I’ve got to say that I’ve been pretty disappointed in this week’s Apartment 3-G plot. With the set-up we were given, I was expecting to see either (a) Eric dumping Margo and laughing at her shattered hopes and dreams, (b) Margo berating Eric at great and colorful length for failing to propose to her when ordered to, or (c) angry, angry sex (and to be honest I was hoping for some combination of the three). Instead, we’ve had a lot of blah blah blah about Alan, a character I care about less than just about anyone in this strip — less than Gina, less than Blaze, even less than Tommie.

At least Margo’s face in panel two indicates that she’s also a bit put off by how this conversation is going. “Stretched too thin? But … does that mean you won’t let Mistress Margo put you on the rack tonight?”

Mary Worth, 10/12/07

I am, however, pleased that Vera’s creepy brother Von is back in the picture. Just when I thought that the creepy Flowers in the Attic-style hijinks were over! My guess is that the item of importance that Von has to explain to his sister involves their father’s will, out of which, you will recall, Vera was cruelly and chauvinistically cut. Von will reveal that Vera’s half of the family fortune will be hers, as long as they fulfill their father’s dying wish and marry each other. You can only protect yourself with that tennis racket for so long, Vera!

After watching Wilbur fondle his heartbroken daughter all last week, I’m really looking forward to the incestuous triangle of jealousy that will bear down on Drew with greater and greater force. Will he be able to fight off both millionaire Von of Pacific Cliffs and syndicated columnist “Ask Wendy”? Maybe he’ll need to call his own sister into the fight just to be on the safe side.

Gil Thorp, 10/12/07

OH MY GOD! Cully Vale killed a kid in a backyard wrestling simulation gone horribly wrong! And was tried as an adult for it! It’s ripped from the headlines … of newspapers on microfiche from 1999, which is when the incident this is referring to actually happened. Gil Thorp, always on the cutting edge. Anyway, I think the DA was right to prosecute Cully as an adult. For one thing, he appears to be about 27 years old. And just look at that glassy-eyed dopey smile — clearly that’s the face of a premeditated murderer. You’ve brought shame to the state of Oregon, Vale! You don’t deserve to squat awkwardly behind its flag!

By the way, the kid in the real-life backyard-wrestling murder/manslaughter/what have you case ended up getting paroled, only to be arrested later for armed robbery. I hope very much that a similar incident is integrated into the story of “Cully Vale, gentle giant”.

Herb and Jamaal, 10/12/07

“I can’t believe all of the issues in the church today” now officially joins “Wow, check out the latest on the hotel socialite! The stuff they say about her really makes you think, doesn’t it?” on this list of Things Nobody Would Ever Say At Any Time But Which Have Been Incomprehensibly Used As The Set-Up For A Joke In Herb And Jamaal.