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So much to cover from this weekend’s developments!

In Mary Worth, Ian demonstrated that the hot air that keeps his chest puffed up is of a sufficient pressure to withstand Toby’s feeble pounding.

In Gil Thorp, somebody admired somebody else’s shapely buttocks.

Rex Morgan, M.D., proved that even sinister poverty-stricken skanks recognize high-quality salami when they see it.

In Mark Trail, we learn that Mark’s wildlife-identification skills may not have been all that he made them out to be.

And in Apartment 3-G, we discover that Margo first reaction to the disappearance of one of her roommates is “more food for me”…

…and that, against all odds, the Professor is getting more action than anyone else in this strip.

But still, I think the most important events this weekend happened in Judge Parker.

Judge Parker, 9/29-10/1/06

So we all knew that Reggie Black’s “family values”-based campaign against the mysteriously single, suspiciously well-groomed, and blatantly porn-star-named Randy Parker would be hilarious. What we didn’t know was that it would be a full-on frontal attack on heterosexuality itself. After all, the strip seems to be saying, any woman you marry will just turn into a tubby, emotionally abusive drunken lout who, if not for the 80s-vintage glasses and earrings, resembles nobody so much as Brent Raptor’s mom. And if that’s where the straight lifestyle leads, gentlemen, wouldn’t we all be better off in the company of men?

Judge Parker, 10/2/06

On Monday, meanwhile, the strip posits a related thesis: that heterosexuals should not be allowed to perform makeovers.

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For Better Or For Worse, 9/29/06

Boy, the icy specter of death sure shut those kids up quick, didn’t it. I think Michael and Deanna need to keep this in mind for the future. “Be quiet, Meredith! Your Grandpa Ted just had a massive heart attack!” “I DON’T HAVE A GWAMPA TED!” “Yes you do, and you love him very much. Now get in bed, dammit.”

A lot of people have asked me for my opinion on the impending death of Grandpa Jim. I’m just glad that it stopped being a source of punny punchlines after the first day or two.

Gil Thorp, 9/29/06

Gil Thorp is well known of its radical leftist views, so I think it’s pretty clear that this latest plot development is part of a larger political allegory. See, student body VP Marcus Newton is a stand-in for US VP Dick Cheney. Just as Newton was responsible for blowing up an innocent mailbox, Dick Cheney is responsible for engineering the invasion of Iraq. And Newton’s swift deposition for his crimes represents the strip’s author’s fantasies that Cheney will be impeached for his own misdeeds and removed from office. And Stormy Hicks is a stand-in for … um … the football-playing drag queen that will replace Cheney. OK, that last part needs work.

Gil Thorp is also well known for its ludicrous hairstyles, but the combination bun-bob on the guidance counselor here is really pushing the envelope. Is it even physically possible?

Blondie, 9/29/06

Welcome to the panopticon, Dagwood! This strip might have actually been funny if everyone at this … whatever it is … hadn’t been theatrically holding their hands to their ears. Then we would just be seeing that Dagwood had been reduced to a quivering, paranoid wreck by his evil ogre of a boss. But this is Blondie, so “funny” isn’t really on the agenda.

Judge Parker, 9/29/06

I look forward to the next week or so of Judge Parker, which will no doubt involve finding a beard on short notice.

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Herb and Jamaal, 9/28/06

Herb and Jamaal seems to be laboring under the misapprehension that Jamaal and Yolanda are the Ross and Rachel of the comics pages, and that America is on tenterhooks to see how their mutual but repeatedly thwarted romance, which has been drawn out for literally months and months, will turn out. Apparently the climactic moment has arrived in the form of this disturbing double entendre. I’m assuming that the original punchline involved the phrase “I’d toss your salad for you,” but the prudes at the syndicate cleaned it up.

Gil Thorp, 9/28/06

Who are these people? Don’t know. What’s the background to this little incident? Not a clue. Are they blowing up mailboxes? Yes, yes they are. And that frankly is all I need to know to know that Gil Thorp is awesome.

The Phantom, 9/28/06

So our old friend Walker has broken up a little human trafficking ring. Today, the Ghost-With-Stripy-Butt proves that just because you’re a superhero and defender of justice and human rights, doesn’t mean you can’t also be a condescending prick.