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Dustin, 8/9/22
Look, you and I both know that today’s Dustin is entirely the result of the Dustin brain trust getting wind of the kids today sharing passwords for streaming services and thinking “Oh ho ho, I think we’ve got a metaphor for sex on our hands here!” I found this annoying, for the obvious reasons, but also because it seems to ignore some basic foundations of the Dustin world in its rush for the cheap joke: Dustin’s sister Meg is still in high school and living at home, so it really doesn’t make sense that she would need access to someone else’s streaming accounts, assuming her family has their own, and despite Dustin’s dad’s grouchy boomer vibes it seems unlikely that two fiftysomething professionals wouldn’t have Netflix? But it does occur to me that Ed is absolutely the sort of guy who would demand that his children “earn” access to the family plan on screens that aren’t the TV in the living room by doing chores or something. Look at the results of this cruel policy! You’re putting your daughter at moral hazard!
Gil Thorp, 8/9/22
Speaking of sexual ethics, I am very excited to report that Gil’s new arch-rival has gone on Marty Moon’s radio show to challenge Gil in the most intense competitive arena of all: monogamy. I particularly enjoy the way he considers his wedding band to be simply one more championship ring indicating his sporting prowess. Other, lesser competitors might falter on the way to the playdowns and/or engage in emotional or physical intimacy outside the bounds of their relationship, but not this guy. He’s won marriage, just like he’s gonna win the Valley Conference this fall! I’m sure his wife is 100% on board with this and not unsettled by it at all.
Marvin, 8/9/22
Ha ha, it’s funny because Marvin’s grandpa’s friend realizes that he’s gonna die soon and he’s seized by so much regret! Uh, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but let’s do some poop jokes, this is making me pretty uncomfortable.
