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Today I’m doing something a little different, but for important reasons! I need to talk about today’s Phantom, but I need to go back to earlier Phantoms from this week to fully explain what I need to talk about and why I neglected to prepare you for today’s amazing strip. Let’s start on Monday!

The Phantom, 12/14/20

The only background you need is that the Phantom and a friend are infiltrating a compound in Rhodia using lucha libre fighting techniques; no further explanation or context is necessary and none will be supplied. On Monday, they breached the compound’s walls and began their assault. Notice the rhino head at top right in the first panel. I don’t remember this registering with me at all; if I noticed it at the time, I probably assumed it was just a decorative statue of some sort, since it appears to be in the middle of a planter in a courtyard.

The Phantom, 12/15/20

On Tuesday, the rhino’s head is looming behind our heroes. I missed it on that day as well, presumably because I was so taken by the villains hanging around a the bar, watching Scarface and eating Mary Worth-style oblong ecru appetizers. And it’s just a head! It could still theoretically be part of the decor, I guess?

The Phantom, 12/16/20

This is clearly the Phantom reassuringly patting a living, full-sized rhino, who’s just hanging out next to him. I have no excuse on this one, none at all. But like … nobody’s mentioned the rhino, in strip dialogue? It’s just kind of … there? These strips are not usually subtle! That’s the only excuse I have.

The Phantom, 12/17/20

Today, finally, I cannot ignore this magnificent rhino as it bursts through the glass, joining our hero in his bid to free his friend and defeat the sinister Rhodian warlord. I assume said warlord keeps this rhino captive in his compound as an ostentatious display of wealth, and the Phantom won the beast’s massive heart by displaying simple human kindness and decency. Now the behornèd behemoth will help dispatch the villains, and — we hope — will be freed once the adventure is concluded.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/17/20

Oh man, video chatting is a great platform for Rex to really superciliously glower at one of his pathetic patients. “Buck, have you gone and developed the diabeetus? I’m disappointed, but not even slightly surprised.”

Gil Thorp, 12/17/20

HELL YEAH, DOUG GUTHRIE HAS A BITCHIN’ CAR

THERE IS LITERALLY NO REASON HE NEEDS TO PAY ATTENTION TO HIGH SCHOOL BASKETBALL, HE ALREADY RULES

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Mary Worth, 12/15/20

Mary’s advice to Tommy was basically just to keep doing the good stuff he was doing and not give up on himself, and that positive things would come of that. She didn’t promise that Brandy would take him back as a result, but now that Tommy’s come bearing good news and the raw material for salmon squares, Mary wants all the specifics. She has advice-giving metrics she needs to hit, and she needs hard data on relationship re-engagement for the Q4’20 PowerPoint she’s putting together for her presentation to the board.

Gil Thorp, 12/15/20

Ah yes, it’s the most sacred moment in any Gil Thorp storyline: the Ceremonial Rattling Off Of The Names. Sometimes this is just an excuse for the strip to later on be like “we did too tell you who all these people are, you can’t complain just because our sports action is wholly baffling,” but sometimes it’s an opportunity to set up the important characters for the coming storylines. Like this Doug Guthrie fella! Turns out that he’s good at basketball but won’t fully pay attention to Coaches Gil and Kaz just because they’re “boring” and “spend all day in their office yelling names at each other.” Hopefully this twerp will get his priorities in order, and soon!

Dick Tracy, 12/15/20

This is an honestly very educational strip about what happens in an underground marketplace where there’s no set of shared best practices for industry professionals and no universally trusted third-party regulatory body with jurisdiction over product labelling. Anyway, when it comes to people who probably won’t notice or react badly if they do notice when you sell them a somewhat smaller amount of merchandise than what you originally promised for a set price, definitely cocaine addicts are the first group that I think of.

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Slylock Fox, 12/14/20

Longtime readers of this blog know that I’m a big fan of the ordinarily audacious Reeky Rat, and it’s a little sad to see him so humbled here, without even shoes to wear in court. The solution to the “mystery” is just the punchline to an old joke — Reeky is going to pay his bail in quarters, the quarters he stole, ha ha! — but really, this is just Reeky soberly assessing his options. He needs to pay bail, and the only money he has for bail is those quarters. Is his method of bail payment legally admissible evidence? Probably his lawyer could tell him that, if he had a lawyer, but I guess you don’t get a defense attorney in Owl Court. Reeky’s on his own, and he’s just gotta put one foot in front of the other to figure out how to get out of this mess, and it’s sure gonna be a lot easier to do that if he’s not in jail, so it’s time for him to call his nephew to get that suitcase out of the storage locker down at the bus station.

Gil Thorp, 12/14/20

Welp, football season’s over, everybody! Are you ready for some basketball? Charle Roh is, despite the turmoil at home that probably arose when his stepdad engaged in cybercrime in order to advance Charlie’s athletics career, presumably leading to a messy divorce. Marcel Irby is, and he’s probably hoping for more in-strip time than last year, when he rated a single panel for his surrealist performance art. And Leonard Fleming is … not, because Gil threw him in as starting QB entirely for the purpose of punishing his other two QBs, and then he got injured in a meaningless game. Remember back in 2009, when former ace pitcher Marty DeJong, who blew out his arm under Gil’s “care” in pursuit of a championship, came back to Milford looking for revenge? Well, I hope Leonard has the guts to follow through, instead of meekly agreeing to coach little leaguers like Marty did.

Hi and Lois, 12/14/20

“It’s weird, it’s almost like we’re trapped in some inexplicable time distortion where technology and associated social mores change but our kids still stay the same age! Anyway, I guess Dot and Ditto both want an ‘Oculus Rift’ for Christmas, whatever the fuck that is. If they’re gonna text this stuff to me they could at least text me an Amazon link.”