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Hagar the Horrible, 1/9/17

The period in Western European history between the fifth and tenth century are often called the “Dark Ages,” though contemporary historians tend to push back on this. It’s true that social organization changed radically, in many ways for the more chaotic and violent, after the fall of Rome, and much of philosophy was lost to the Latin world; but technology continued advancing, with the stirrup and the horse collar only appearing in this period. Still, advanced concrete really was one of those things that people forgot how to make, vanishing from the West in the 5th century and not reappearing until the 14th, which makes this strip anachronistic. Maybe the newfangled poured stone was a (re)invention by this particular craftsman, who found himself promptly murdered by the local viking chieftain for annoying him, leaving Europe concreteless for hundreds of years to come.

This strip is also a great example of how character design can really screw with a visual gag. Lucky Eddy always wears a long robe (cloak?) that goes down to his ankles; logically it should have dragged through the wet cement, but instead it looks like he’s hopping and making cloak-sized holes.

Dennis the Menace, 1/9/17

In our previous discussion of “just what religion are the Mitchells, anyway?”, we settled on high church Episcopalian, probably, and I dunno, maybe this is a cultural stereotype, but I don’t think the Episcopalians are gonna be that upset by the idea of Heaven as having an eternal open bar.

Mary Worth, 1/9/17

Does Mary Worth understand sarcasm? Does she know that “Good luck with that!” is usually sarcastic? I can never tell with her. Anyway, I too wish Iris a non-sarcastic good luck! Good luck not thinking about Wilbur at all! It’s easy if you try!

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Hagar the Horrible, 11/10/16

Well, it looks like someone at Hagar the Horrible likes to stoke my fascination with where the Hagarverse falls on the timeline of the Christianization of Scandinavia. Fun fact: the ritual slaughter of horses and eating of horsemeat was deeply ingrained into Germanic pagan ritual, so much so that the Vatican banned the practice in the 8th century as a means to promote Christianity; this is the origin of the modern-day Western taboo on eating horse. Anyway, Helga and the waiter look appalled by Hagar’s discovery, but Hagar himself is more quizzical than anything else. Maybe he’s cautiously feeling out the possibility that this restaurant is a secret hideout for crypto-pagans — and he’s interested in joining them in returning to the Old Ways, where you celebrated blót to gain fertility and good health, and then got to eat some tasty horse.

Shoe, 11/10/16

I love the weird, fossilized cultural nuggets and attitudes you can find embedded in the structural material used to build comic strip punchlines. How ancient is the use of “Wayne Newton” as a signifier for “very bad music,” do you think? Honestly, I would’ve gone with “Justin Bieber,” which is still a solid five years out of date but might tickle the irritation that the old people who read comic strips harbor for anything that’s happened in pop culture since they turned 45.

Meanwhile, I want a lot more information about these two condemned criminals, the Falcon and Guzzwanker. “Guzzwanker and the Falcon” has a better ring to it in my opinion, but maybe they aren’t a criminal duo but just happen to be scheduled for execution on the same day. Guzzwanker is a mild-mannered accountant who, if he hadn’t slipped up and left fingerprints on the murder weapon, nobody would’ve suspected of killing his parents to speed his inheritance. The Falcon, meanwhile, is a notorious international terrorist, and also an actual falcon.

Spider-Man, 11/10/16

“Maybe we’ll never get you convicted for murder, Starr … [one panel of dialogue that distracts you from how this sentence started] … and all four of us heard you confess to murder, so we will definitely get you convicted for it!” God, I hope that camera is still recording. The whole world needs concrete evidence of what dipshits these guys are! And, uh, evidence that Egghead is a murderer, I guess.

Mark Trail, 11/10/16

Ahhh yes, the helicopter explosion will be continuing indefinitely, just as I requested. That’s the stuff we need in these troubled times. That’s the stuff.

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Hagar the Horrible, 10/29/16

“More stomachs!! Each larger than the last!! My gut distending grotesquely as the innumerable extra organs writhe unnaturally within me, groaning as they funnel massive amounts of food into my single small intestine, which can’t handle the load! But I keep shoving chicken wings down my gullet, bones and all! I’m insatiable!!” Haha, more like Hagar the Body-Horror-ible, am I right?

Mark Trail, 10/29/16

So, months later, I’m still kind of grumpy about Mark’s interminable cave adventure. But if that massive, record-breaking ant mount were to suddenly burst open into a seething mass of red ants, which flows towards a terrified Mark and Abbey like an awful, chitinous wave — well, would I consider that just compensation? Yes, yes I would.

Funky Winkerbean, 10/29/16

Far away, at an island resort, the head of R&D at Riddell Helmets watched the event on her phone and smiled. This should keep up the flow of money to our department, she thought to herself. Might as well go ahead and reserve the honeymoon suite for next year now.