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Bizarro, 9/22/17

As a matter of policy, the Comics Curmudgeon stands foursquare behind Love, and specifically condemns ichthyophobia in all its forms.

Arctic Circle, 9/22/17

And here is your second newspaper comic mermaid sex joke of the day. Maybe there’s something in the water?

Hägar the Horrible, 9/22/17

Hägar and Helga take up residence between the whorehouse and the monastery. Expect to be seeing a lot of Brother Olaf, guys: that guy practices what he preaches.

Spider-Man, 9/22/17

“… I could not stand by and watch you become a murderer. But I’m totally down with watching you shrivel in agony to a desiccated corpse. Out of love! I’m also OK conspiring with Spider-Man to murder you. Um … love!”

Gasoline Alley, 9/22/17

Dick Tracy reads Gasoline Alley twice — once in the paper and once online. He’s just that tough!

— Uncle Lumpy

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Hagar the Horrible, 8/26/17

So apparently Lucky Eddie’s romance with a mermaid has advanced despite the fact that he sold her daughter to a zoo. Anyway, now they’re on a double date with Hagar and Helga, in a restaurant, and apparently even though mermaids can breathe air (do they need to breathe air? she doesn’t seem to have gills) their lower, fishy half needs to stay submerged. We’re learning so much about mermaid biology here! The thing that really concerns me, though, is that when I see a tank in a restaurant I assume whatever’s inside it is on the menu. I mean, Lucky Eddie seems very much in love, but Lucky Eddie also sold her daughter to a zoo, so!

Marvin, 8/26/17

I just spent longer than I’m comfortable talking about trying to figure out if “peeing averages” is a pun or a play on words of some sort, but I guess I’m just going to face the truth and brace myself for next week’s series of Very Special Marvins, which will focus on his serious bladder condition.

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Shoe, 8/15/17

Today’s Shoe takes us on a fairly baffling rollercoaster of the Perfesser’s emotions as he quickly cycles from grinning mania to dead-eyed ennui. Are we meant to believe that our love-starved protagonist is getting excited at the prospect of a companion that he can enjoy late-night strolls with, only to abruptly realize that the construct of an outgoing, active romantic partner he’s building for his dating profile is a web of hopeful lies? Or did he have this gag all plotted out, hoping to tickle this poor dating service employee’s funny bone if only briefly, but then realized halfway through it — too late to pull out — that it wasn’t funny and wasn’t going to make anybody laugh? If it’s the latter, then both depressed-looking characters truly represent all of us in that final panel.

Mary Worth, 8/15/17

Please clip ‘n’ save this second panel, as it I feel fairly certain this is going to be exactly as happy as Dawn will ever be in this medical love triangle scenario. Let’s just refer back to her gazing enraptured up into Dr. Ned’s calm, handsome face in six to twelve weeks after the dumping, or the murders, or the dumping-murders, or whatever we have in store for us.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 8/15/17

Ha ha, it’s funny because Hootin’ Holler is so impoverished that its citizens have to resort to robbing one another just to survive!

Hagar the Horrible, 8/15/17

Ha ha, it’s funny because this man’s job is to kill people one by one to enforce the brutal will of the state, and he is haunted by each and every one of their faces!