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Family Circus, 12/11/15

Wow, Billy’s crass holiday greed seems positively charming now, doesn’t it? “Oh, come let us adore me,” sings Jeffy, “for I am the mashiach, the anointed one foretold in prophecy. I am the Christ. Come adore me. WORSHIP ME. WORSHIP ME. I AM YOUR LORD GOD JEFFY AND I GROW DISPLEASED.”

Heathcliff, 12/11/15

I mean, I guess if you’re going to engage in a massive orgy, you’re going to want to use a pagan fertility symbol to justify your actions.

Blondie, 12/11/15

I like the idea of poor Bernie, sitting alone in his studio apartment on Christmas Eve, thinking that he might not have any family, he might not have a hearth to call his own, but nevertheless he knows that somewhere, across town, Santa is coming — with presents for him.

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Blondie, 11/30/15

This strip has made a genuine attempt to plaster the Postal Service’s current stylized eagle head logo on everyone’s uniforms and various other surfaces, although the effect is somewhat ruined by the colorist’s choice to make it bright yellow — did they think it was a metal buckle or something? Anyway, I don’t know if it’s meant to be just off-model enough so as not to infringe on trademarks, or if the colorist error has botched a genuine symbol of partnership between the Postal Service and the Blondie creative team, but either way I very much would like to see Dagwood and his damn sandwiches wiped out forever by a drone-fired missile, thanks.

Mary Worth, 11/30/15

OK, so, technically NYC & Company is “New York City’s official marketing, tourism and partnership organization” rather than a government agency per se, but its spending still ought to be scrutinized, and I for one very much doubt that paying King Features to have Mary Worth and a neglected psychic child tour New York’s best known museums will really see a solid return on investment.

Gasoline Alley, 11/30/15

Reading this, at first I was like, “Ugh, I certainly hope the future children of today’s children aren’t still using jpeg files when they grow up,” but the file format is already more than 20 years old, so who knows, really? But you and I both know that neither “Mrs. Lopez” nor the actual Gasoline Alley creative team knows what exactly a jpeg is, and we should all brace ourselves for days — maybe weeks? — of this strip explaining why computers are bad and today’s students need to learn valuable scrapbooking skills in order to compete in the modern economy.

Crankshaft and Funky Winkerbean, 11/30/15

Oh, hey, I hadn’t really noticed this before, but I guess … Christmastime is the season for intra-Funkyverse crossovers? Like last year, when the Funky Winkerbean crew reflected fondly about how Crankshaft is a monstrous dick to children, or the year before, when he caught sight of the vegetative husk that is his Funky Winkerbean-era future? A holiday bowling tournament seems to have less opportunity for grimness, but, you know, never count these strips out in that regard. They’ll find a way. Oh, yes, they’ll find a way.

Heathcliff, 11/30/15

In a desperate attempt to one-up a certain other orange comics cat that thinks he has a monopoly on unpleasant Mondays, Heathcliff is about to embark on a futile attempt to outrun a pelting rain of bird shit.

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Funky Winkerbean, 11/25/15

Hey, Pete and Darren, as a relatively new transplant to LA, I understand that the little things can be tough — things like figuring out your favorite places to eat. In a huge city like Los Angeles, you have the additional dilemma caused by a wide variety of choices, a marked contrast to your hometown, where literally the only places that serve food are Montoni’s and the Toxic Taco. Anyway, my personal favorite pizza place that I’ve found so far is DeSano in East Hollywood, although they don’t deliver; Hard Times Pizza, on Glendale Boulevard in Echo Park, does, and they’re great too, though you might not be able to get delivery from them if you live over towards the Westside. I’m sure there are a number of great options there, though! I’m sure there are a number of options that are infinitely better than terrible Montoni’s sadness-pizza that’s been put on dry ice and shipped across the country, come the fuck on.

Spider-Man, 11/25/15

I’m not gonna lie to you: this extremely low-stakes brawl in the UN General Assembly hall could go on for weeks as far as I’m concerned and I will love every minute of it. Did Namor just kind of … swipe in the general direction of those security guards in panel one? Did everyone just sort of forget to look up as the floating Atlantean Combat Platform drifted into the chambers? How did it get through the door, anyway? And why did a race that lives under the sea bother to developer technology that can make things float in midair? Anyway, I hope this whole sequence lasts long enough to not answer any of these questions but raise a lot more questions through endless additional hilariously dumb details.

Pluggers, 11/25/15

Do you think plugger-cat paid for this fantasy? I’m just imagining plugger-cat talking to some confused male escort he found on backpage.com, and saying “Your ad says you’re up for anything.”

Heathcliff, 11/25/15

You can tell by his blank, expressionless stare that the Garbage Ape is super not into this scene. “Remember when they used to cheer like this just because I was swinging garbage cans around?” he thinks. “When did I need to start getting topical all of the sudden? Why can’t they just love me for the garbage?”

B.C., 11/25/15

Ha ha, it’s funny because living as an adult makes you want to die!