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Archie, 1/22/14

The Olympics are only few short weeks away, and the syndicated newspaper comics are here to drum up excitement! Just think, when you’re watching the world’s greatest athletes cross-country skiing their way to glory … over many hours … wait, does anyone watch cross-country skiing? Sounds boring. Almost as boring as shoveling. Should shoveling be a Winter Olympic event? Anyway, Jughead doesn’t like manual labor, ha ha!

Heathcliff, 1/22/14

You know what’s not boring? The newer extreeeeeeme Olympic sports, like the snowboarding half-pipe and such! Check out Heathcliff, who’s pushing the envelope of radical by using a fish as his board, just like he uses a fish as equipment for all sports! For some reason! HEATHCLIFF! EXTREEEEEEMEEEE

Momma, 1/22/14

Meanwhile, Francis is trying to kill his heavyset friend? I guess? Not sure what other interpretation to go with here. I do think it’s convenient for everyone to be carrying boxes labelled SKATES to let us know that this is a skating-themed joke (about trying to kill your friend), as otherwise I’d have had an even harder time with it.

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Heathcliff, 1/16/13

IMPORTANT HEATHCLIFF NEWS, EVERYBODY! America’s second-favorite orange comic strip cat who’s kind of a dick is matching arch-rival Garfield by securing a CGI/live-action movie deal, and then one-upping the Monday-hating indoor-only layabout by also snagging a 13-episode animated TV series, both from “family-based production company Waterman Entertainment”. The news is on actual film industry insider blog Deadline Hollywood, so you know it’s true! Where “true” means “a Hollywood shell corporation has acquired the intellectual property rights necessary to create the aforementioned entertainment units, but actual filming is dependent on nailing down funding and will happen sometime between five years from now and never.”

There are definitely narrative difficulties in bringing Heathcliff to the big/small screens, and today’s panel offers a good example. No, not the burp joke; the entire 21st century film industry is built on burp and fart jokes. I refer instead to Heathcliff’s mute nature, which combined with his apparent literacy results in him holding up signs and flying flags inscribed with various messages. How will movie and TV viewers deal with a non-talking protagonists? Heathcliff artist Peter Gallagher earnestly told Deadline, “We want our existing fans to identify with the characters they know while introducing him to an entirely new audience. As a creator I know that [Waterman Entertainment] will be attentive to our lasting vision for the brand and welcome our input, which is very important to me,” which pretty clearly means that they won’t change a facet so central to the strip’s history as Heathcliff’s inability to spehahaha I can’t even finish that sentence because obviously they’ll just get some mid-range actor who needs work to do the voice, like they got poor Owen Wilson to do Marmaduke. Who’s going to voice Heathcliff, do you think? Chevy Chase? Chris Tucker? Owen Wilson again, because why not?

(By the way, all this important Heathcliff knowledge was brought to my attention by amazing Minnesotan comedian Brandi B., whose Twitter consistently breaks important Heathcliff news, like this movie/TV deal thing. She also got beloved The O.C. star Peter Gallagher to go on the record as saying that he is not the Peter Gallagher who draws Heathcliff. And she has a Heathcliff blog, of course!)

Crankshaft, 1/16/14

Oh, whoops, Mary isn’t freaking out because she drank Lena’s coffee; she’s drinking Lena’s coffee because she was already freaked out. I’d complain about the strip just showing us a bunch of people sitting around talking instead of actually depicting the events being described, but, you know, I’m not sure I’d actually want to see a child almost get hit by a car in the comics, so let’s just let it slide.

Apartment 3-G, 1/16/14

Ha ha, it is very romantic, if by “romantic” you mean “a fairly glaring sign that your supposed beloved’s intentions are not what they seem.” Are Tommie and her mom being taken in by a handsome pair of con artists who will win the ladies’ hearts, gain access to their bank accounts, and then vanish into the ether after having spent the bare minimum of time with them? One can only hope!

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Family Circus, 1/14/14

Even though the hairstyle/mustache combo marks this out as a probable rerun from the ’70s, I have a hard time remembering ever seeing a gentleman engaged in educating the Family Circus youth before. It does seem to undermine the Natural Gender Order, which is obviously troubling! Still, today we learn why male teachers (or, as I call them, “malechers”) may actually help reach kids in ways that more typical lady-teachers can’t: Billy feels comfortable telling this guy, man-to-man, that he isn’t really very smart.

Heathcliff, 1/14/14

Let’s ignore the horror of a clearly sapient creature begging his current owner to not callously sell him to some monstrous stranger and instead ask: since Heathcliff clearly has no problem with being this pirate’s sidekick, what’s the parrot’s problem? Perhaps the pirate’s lack of a peg-leg marks him out as a poseur upon whose shoulder no self-respecting parrot would deign to sit.

Mary Worth, 1/14/14

Ken thinks that if he just arranges enough scenarios in which Mary to falls into peril from which she can only be saved by handsome actor Ken Kensington, she’ll eventually have to submit to his advances! But will she instead come to the conclusion that New York is a dangerous death trap? “Hmm, Jeff’s never saved my life … but then again, Jeff’s never had to save my life!” You’re playing a dangerous game, Kensington!