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Archie, 3/7/13

Here’s a sentence that’s probably never been written: I don’t understand Archie’s emotional arc here? Veronica’s dialogue in panel one is stereotypical “Ha ha the ladies like to gossip about their network of relationships with other ladies and we hate that amiright fellas” talk. But what are Archie’s sweatballs in panel one supposed to represent? Is he already nervous about being cruelly snubbed by Ronnie for daring to ask for some quiet study time? That would seem to undercut the vague surprise of the punchline, then. Is it sexual arousal, always a good bet with Archie? Is he saying that the reality of Veronica’s conversation is interfering with his ability to think sexy thoughts about her? Those word-balloon icicles are perhaps well deserved.

Hagar the Horrible, 3/7/13

So, mild historical accuracy: It’s true, that, in their colonization of Greenland in the 10th through 15th centuries, the Norse came in contact with the Inuit! Inuit names tend to be polysyllabic, though, and not, you know, incoherent grunts, but sure, let’s have Hagar talking to “Oog.” And let’s give Oog slits for eyes too! Why not!

Heathcliff, 3/7/13

Unironic praise: Nearly everything about this is perfect, from the fish-costume’s terrifying eyes and weird fin-feet that would be very difficult to stand up in, to Heathcliff just standing there with his hands behind his back, dreaming of ripping open the great fish and feasting on its hundreds of pounds of succulent flesh, to the bored dude with the hair in his eyes inside the costume, who isn’t being paid enough to deal with any of it.

The Lockhorns, 3/7/13

“But I’ve finally managed to poison mine! Now help me move his body to the car so we can go dump him in the river.”

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Apartment 3-G, 3/2/13

Oh hey look, the actor playing James Bond, one of the highest-profile roles in modern movies, is sleeping/“experiencing love” with his publicist, which probably isn’t a violation of any kind of ethical standards, at all! Anyway, if were you wondering what exactly the deal was with Evan and his weird cruel aunt who ran the rival agency he was secretly working for, too bad! It’s all about Margo lying to her new boyfriend about her dead fiance for no good reason now.

Beetle Bailey, 3/2/13

Most ancillary Beetle Bailey characters are created to mock/cash in on/acknowledge the existence of some pop cultural phenomenon that’s already several years old by the time they’re introduced. Rocky was originally meant to symbolize the rock and roll music the kids like so much today, but has since become a sort of general agent of subversiveness. Today’s strip acknowledges that rock music and modern art have a lot in common, in that they’re both plots by angry hipsters to make squares feel stupid.

Heathcliff, 3/2/13

Ha ha, Heathcliff likes to warm up with a few layups, using a dog that’s all stiff and has … blank, lifeless eyes, and … OH MY GOD HEATHCLIFF IS PLAYING BASKETBALL WITH A PUPPY CORPSE

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Heathcliff, 2/28/13

Well, isn’t this a surreal delight! I have no idea what exactly is happening here, if any “thing” can truly be said to be “happening” in such a nonlinear dreamscape. “Hold it right there, Professor,” the strangely well dressed pet store clerk bellows, as a flock of oddly identical birds arises in precise formation from Heathcliff’s pipe. Why attempt to impose some kind of dull linear “meaning” on this episode at all? Why not just enjoy it in all its trippy nonsense?

Gasoline Alley, 2/28/13

Meanwhile, in Gasoline Alley, beloved rustic Rufus is still planning on marrying a donkey, for money. They’re … they’re really doing this, huh? I would have though they’d have stopped doing this by now.

Marvin, 2/28/13

You know, before today I would’ve said that Marvin had pretty thoroughly explored the dramatic and comedic possibilities of feces, but I hadn’t even dreamed of the concept of revenge-shitting.