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Herb and Jamaal, 3/13/25

Ha, no, see, Herb’s mother-in-law, “doomscrolling” just means when you keep going through your social media feeds on your phone, hoping for a little glimmer of something positive but instead only finding bad news that makes you increasingly gloomy. It does not mean the thing where you’re on your phone and you suddenly get a vivid and detailed vision of your own future death, but then just as quickly that awful omen vanishes from sight. I mean, I can see why you’d think that’s what doomscrolling might mean, what with it offering you premonitions of your own doom and all! But it doesn’t really happen often enough for people to give it a name, I don’t think. Does it, uh, often happen to you?

Mary Worth, 3/13/25

Dawn, there’s no need to be condescending to your old dad, he is not “pen pals” with a nice lady he met on a tour of a collectable spoon factory or something, he met a woman at an all-inclusive resort and they fucked for two weeks and now he’s messaging her using his computer or phone, both devices that have cameras built in just in case the light and friendly banter takes a turn towards the naked, and if you choose to continue to live in this house you will have to get used to that idea.

Gearhead Gertie, 3/13/25

“She’s actually just pretty much unhappy all the time, and quite frankly it’s difficult to live with.”

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Gil Thorp, 2/25/25

Keri Thorp has been struggling with an eating disorder, and apparently their therapist has recommended equine therapy. Did you know that horses are prey animals? Did you know that some clinicians believe that you can overcome the psychological issues associated with eating disorders by channeling your “inner wolf”? Did you know that the Milford teachers union negotiated a very generous health insurance package for its members, with particularly comprehensive mental health coverage for educators and family members? Step 1: You get to know horses and their weaknesses in a controlled environment. Step 2: You’re parachuted into the Mongolian steppe. Step 3 gets a little messy but I think you can see where we’re going with this.

Judge Parker, 2/25/25

Wow! That sure sounds interesting! If only this were a visual medium, and we could’ve seen some of that action, instead of just seeing other people reacting to it and then hearing Sam Driver describing it while staring manfully into the middle distance. Maybe we’ll also learn third-hand how this 100% illegally obtained evidence entered the official record of Anne’s case, if we’re lucky!

Herb and Jamaal, 2/25/25

Herb commits any number of sinister deeds during the course of his day, and can only live with himself by dissociating at night, as if all that evil were the fault of someone else entirely. It’s sad, it really is!

Pluggers, 2/25/25

Man, I always thought one of the perks of being a plugger would be a blissful lack of self-awareness and self-reflection, but I look at this plugger’s face! He is reflecting upon himself pretty hard and does not like what he’s become aware of as a result.

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Archie, 2/13/25

Of course, you’ve seen a bunch of comics and cartoons and know that spiciness represented by literal flames and smoke emerging from a person’s gullet is a common visual trope. But the characters in today’s Archie rerun? Well, they apparently have not. “Wow, look at all that smoke,” says Archie, alarmingly calm. “I guess I really underestimated what was going on in Jughead’s digestive tract.”

Herb and Jamaal, 2/13/25

When I returned to the Herb and Jamaal well after many years, I of course wondered: does this strip still “got it,” with “it” being a perverse tendency to eschew proper nouns and make things as generic as possible, even when it’s clearly writing about something specific and indeed torn from the headlines? Well, I’m here to report that, by referring to a “bird illness” today, in the midst of the worsening H5N1 bird flu outbreak, the strip demonstrates that it very much does got it. Maybe this strip was written last week, maybe it was written during several other intermittent avian influenza pandemics that have occurred over the past several decades, and maybe it will be used again and again as new and exciting disease forms ravage our egg supply chain, and I for one think that’s beautiful.

Daddy Daze, 2/13/25

Oh, hey, have you wondered what the Daddy Daze daddy is up to? Well, it seems he yearns for death. It’s not great!

Gearhead Gertie, 2/13/25

Remember, folks, if you go over to your friend’s house to watch NASCAR, and they own a dog but their living room isn’t covered in shit and piss, they’re loser fake fans and you should leave in a huff