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Archie, 2/27/09

“It’s actually working out pretty well in that regard, because it’s about four times as large as a normal credit card and has no text or numbers of any sort on it, so I can’t convince any of the stores here that’s it’s actually a credit card.”

Herb and Jamaal, 2/27/09

Oh my goodness, Herb has finally figured out how to harness the nonspecificity that dominates his world … for evil.

Marvin, 2/27/09

Marvin all this week has been about his diaper rash and the disgusting effects that sitting in one’s own urine will have on one’s buttocks; and yet it is only today, with Marvin complaining that his ass is so sore that he can’t even lie down, that I’ve been moved to express my complete disgust.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 2/27/09

I liked this strip better when my eyes glossed over most of the longer word balloon in the first panel and I read it as saying “Yep, she’s taken up speed!”

Ziggy, 2/27/09

Ha ha! Ziggy and his entire neighborhood are about to be annihilated by a barrage of cruise missiles!

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Beetle Bailey, 2/18/09

“…unwilling to perform oral sex…”

Er, OK, now that I’ve gotten that crass joke out of the way, can someone please explain why Miss Buxley is sporting the Cousin Itt look in the second panel? Is she suddenly ashamed of her quite public mooning over the strip’s title character? Has she realized that even in the sweetheart’s picture on her desk, her paramour’s eyes are invisible, and she’s doing it in some kind of misguided solidarity? Does she even have enough hair to realistically flip over her face like that? Have we just never seen her right profile before?

Cathy, 2/18/09

I break my usual code of silence about Cathy to point out that today’s installment revolves around two dudes’ fantasy of an office lunchtime conversation degenerating into hot girl-on-girl action. It’s enough to make you forget that this is probably the first time the word “colon” has appeared in the strip.

Funky Winkerbean, 2/18/09

It’s true! Her jumper shits, the presence of her arch-rival bitches, and her dad’s new relationship assholes. In other words, everything motherfuckers.

Herb and Jamaal, 2/18/09

Ha ha! Herb is smirking while he imagines his mother-in-law being tortured, in hell, for all of eternity! How charitable of him.

Actually, in keeping with this strip’s total commitment to nonspecificity, Herb doesn’t actually mention hell per se. People of all faiths are invited to imagine whatever kind of system of post-death punishments they prefer, so long as it involves fire.

Family Circus, 2/18/09

This cartoon would be vaguely amusing, and not a savage exposé of Billy’s profound stupidity, if these kids weren’t actually looking at the test papers they were discussing. It’s a wonder Mommy even bothers writing Billy’s name in tiny letters at the bottom corner of his lunch, because he’s surely too dim to read it.

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Blondie, 1/23/09

I have to admit that I’m so charmed by Dagwood’s stunningly bizarre parking spot sign that I’m willing to forgive the fact that it completely ignores his long-established carpool. Not only does it declare his love for impossibly large sandwiches to the literate and illiterate alike, it also fails to indicate in any way that the parking spot it sits in front of is reserved for anyone in particular. Still, I’d be hesitant to park there, as it’s clearly the work of a madman. An extremely hungry madman.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 1/23/09

Whereas the gals, they’re talking about the fellers they met in their youth once, the ones that weren’t their cousins! Haw haw!

This strip seems to indicate that the book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus would do well in this community, if not for the fact that speaking aloud the names of the terrifying demon-stars that move through the sky will get you burned at the stake there. The strip also seems to promise a series of gags lifted entirely from episodes of An Evening At The Improv circa 1989, such as the different driving habits of black dudes and white dudes and the unpalatability of airline food, but mention of flying machines and non-whites will also get you burned at the stake.

Beetle Bailey, 1/23/09

Gosh, Sarge, I’m not sure happy is how your stomach will feel about a box of matzo, a bowl of eggs, and a bottle of soy sauce.

Herb and Jamaal, 1/23/09

Say, remember when Herb and Jamaal ran this exact same strip two months ago? Remember how it wasn’t funny then, either?