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Gil Thorp, 2/23/15

So this Gil Thorp storyline is focused on fake (?) Adderall dealing now, but I still pine for a simpler time, when it mostly about Max Bacon™ colluding with Marty Moon to improve his #brand. It’s nice to see Marty is up for promoting Max via dumb bacon-themed catchphrases; once the Adderall scandal comes out, Marty will presumably face as many consequences for hyping this artificially hyped-up teen as the national sports press did for fawning over the steroid-driven Major League Baseball home run races of the late ’90s and early ’00s, which is to say none.

Beetle Bailey, 2/23/15

Look, everyone who whines that Beetle Bailey is outdated and out-of-touch: here it is featuring a new, hip, up-to-the-moment thing! I’m talking about erotic nose fondling, of course, which is an innovative new sex act being performed in Brooklyn’s hippest neighborhoods right now. Everyone will be doing it in a year or so. Selfie sticks are soooo last month.

Hi and Lois, 2/23/15

Ha ha, it’s funny because Lois can’t feel joy anymore! Hi and Lois undermines its ostensible nature as a family-friendly strip by letting its readers in on a dirty little secret about families: families are terrible.

Mary Worth, 2/23/15

Ooh, so what is Amy’s big news that merits an ?-worthy invasion of Hanna’s personal space? She didn’t get married too, that’s too obvious. I’m guessing that she’s going to tell her mother that little Gordon doesn’t need to be babysat anymore, becuase she’s started dressing him like a tiny adult! Nothing says “I’m a big boy who can take of myself!” like electric blue sansabelt slacks and a matching jacket over a golf shirt.

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Pluggers, 2/21/15

Pluggers remember the days before certain semantic shifts, when several common words conveyed a different set of meanings to most listeners than they convey today! They also remember when at least the outward performance of heterosexuality was mandatory, and thus largely unquestioned. Admittedly, it was easier to avoid such questions back when a hot date consisted of playing a ukelele and sitting two feet apart.

Hi and Lois, 2/21/15

Hi and Lois’s weariness with the entertainment-industrial complex aside, “the Hammies” is a good name for an awards show, but it should be a show where they give awards to actual ham. Like, juiciest ham, best Easter ham, ham of the year, what have you. I would very much watch that awards show.

Apartment 3-G, 2/21/15

“Why does this keep happening? Why do I keep half-recognizing people? It’s like I live in a terrifying nightmarescape where everyone looks more or less the same in general but the actual details of each individual’s face shift and ooze from moment to moment!”

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Hi and Lois, 2/18/15

“Why are there three marks?” Hi asked, his smile tight, and fake. Trixie — well, you couldn’t expect her to know. Obviously. But Lois … well, surely Lois knew, right? Surely Lois knew that Chip had been in high school for decades, that Dot and Ditto had been locked in just-prepubescent sibling rivalry eternally, never moving to the next stage. Surely she knew Trixie wasn’t getting any bigger. None of them was ever going to change, or end, or begin anew.

Mary Worth, 2/18/15

“Why wouldn’t she react well to the news? She’s gaining me, a man who she’s never met and who’s only been romantically involved with her mother briefly, as someone who refers to himself as her father!” I hope you all appreciate what a fantastically solid Mary Worth storyline we have going right now, guys.

Spider-Man, 2/18/15

“I just wanted to grab on to this flying, rapidly spinning circular saw blOW OW OW OW OW OW OW”