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Six Chix, 1/30/15

Oh, man, kids today, am I right? Always conceptualizing the food they eat as aesthetic experiences worthy of being shared with others, am I right? In my day, we saw food for what it was: a disgusting mass of organic matter that, if you were lucky, had been pumped full of preservatives to slow down its rot. This’ll show those punks who get so excited about putting pictures of their brunch on the MySpace or whatever. Hey young people: those Eggs Benedict are basically a festering corpse, when you think about it!

Hi and Lois, 1/30/15

But … but …

there are only five ex-Soviet Central Asian countries

you are being screwed here, Chip

Azerbaijan does not count

it is clearly part of the Caucausus, not Central Asia

no wonder these kids are doing so badly on their standardized tests

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Funky Winkerben, 1/25/15

Welp, the Dick Tracy–Funky Winkerbean crossover is wrapping up without a single person dying in a hail of bullets, and I for one am pretty disappointed about it. I do like the words of life wisdom that Holly and Dick are trading here, though. Maybe, just maybe, you shouldn’t immediately judge (and subsequently arrest and/or shoot for “resisting arrest”) people just because they look “shady,” you know? Maybe you should instead determine their worth based on their enjoyment of cultural production units that you also enjoy. I’m pretty sure that the main character of High Fidelity has the exact opposite of this revelation at the story’s conclusion, which is evidence that he’s grown less shallow as a person, but, baby steps, I guess.

Apartment 3-G, 1/25/15

Apartment 3-G has meanwhile devolved into a full-on Lu Ann dreamscape? “Tommie, why are you leaving the apartment to go to work, in the morning, as the workday starts?” “I’m going to work. Don’t forget to wake up Margo!” “Gasp! Margo is gone!” [stands in the middle of the hallway, nowhere near a door or anywhere where Margo might be expected to be]

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 1/25/15

While details are murky, archaeological evidence seems to indicate that the Polynesian settlers of Easter Island deforested the place after a few centuries there, which meant they were no longer able to build and move the huge moai statues the island is famous for — and, perhaps more importantly, were no longer able to build oceangoing vessels that allowed them to fish, which in turn led to a rapid decline in population. Meanwhile, in Hootin’ Holler, it seems that the residents are setting in motion an ecological catastrophe of their own, unsustainably extracting fuel to power one of the community’s main economic engines (moonshine production) at the long-term expense of environmental resources needed for the other (chicken theft).

Panels from Hi and Lois, 1/25/15

Look, just between you and me, I never really cared for Mad Men, but if the show’s booze-soaked popularity had anything to do with the return of wacky retro “Thirsty is a drunk” jokes in Hi and Lois, then it has done good for this world.

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Hi and Lois, 1/5/15

Oh, man, those knowing looks Hi and Lois are giving each other in panel one are chilling me to my very core. What erotic scenarios have played out in the Flagston household that include food and praying? Lois’s deflated expression in panel two confirms everyone’s longheld belief that the bevy of Flagston children mainly exists to get in the way of the title characters’ varied and active sex life.

Mark Trail, 1/5/15

I’ve never murdered anyone or been murdered, but just based on what I know about humans and how they operate, probably if you’re actually going to kill a few people in cold blood for money-making reasons you don’t necessarily spend a lot of time telling them about it, right? And the people who do keeping jawing on the subject maybe aren’t the most serious about the whole affair. What I’m trying to say is that, as a rule, you shouldn’t up and smack some armed dude who’s planning to kill you, but Cherry may not be completely off-base on her ability to get away with this here.

Slylock Fox, 1/5/15

Hmm, let’s just check out the solution here and “Slylock used his sense of taste” OH MY GOD HE LICKED IT, HE LICKED THE BOAT, I know he’s a fox and all but it sure reduces his Clever Detective cred now that we know he goes around licking things, right? “Used his sense of taste,” honestly.