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Hi and Lois, 2/27/12

I was going to write some joke about Hi casting a loving glance over his shoulder at the TV set, reenforcing Dot’s claim that this soulless hunk of electronics has become a beloved family member by filling the Flagstons’ dull lives with hours of mind-numbing entertainment, but then I noticed that OH MY GOD HI HAS NO LEFT HAND! We’ll probably never know what sort of awful accident or assault or disease resulted in this mutilation, but it’s likely that Lois’s sudden desire for everyone to eat together at the dining room table is a misguided response to her husband’s trauma, as if she hopes that seeing his loved ones smiling at him will make him feel whole. But follow his eyes: he wants nothing more than to just sit on the couch and let reality TV wash over him and forget, forget whatever happened to him. The fact that somebody set the table so that his fork is on the left side of his plate can’t be helping his mood at all.

Notice that one of the framed pictures on the wall is of Charlie Brown and Snoopy! It’s a nice little tribute to a classic strip than ran for 50 years and never once forgot to Photoshop a hand on the end of its main character’s arm.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 2/27/12

“Haw haw! But seriously, sheriff, th’ hovels in Hootin’ Holler are all poorly constructed an’ cain’t keep out the cold! Is there anything in yore platform that would help us? Or d’you believe the gummint only exists to punish its poor citizens in yore jail, and never t’ help ’em?”

Gil Thorp, 2/27/12

I can’t help but notice that failure loser chump Ric DeVore is entirely tattoo free. Just another example of how misguided Gil’s anti-Milford Ink crusade is!

Archie, 2/27/12

“It’s the screaming, Arch. I can handle the fountains of blood, the writhing, the look of terror and agony in my patients’ eyes. But for some reason it’s the screaming that gets to me.”

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Garfield, 2/7/12

So, here’s an absolutely true thing: for years now, every time my wife manages to one-up me on something, I say “It’s not a contest” and she dramatically replies “Says the loser!” The first time we did it was spontaneous, and now it’s just one of the catchphrases in the long-running sitcom that our marriage (like, I assume, most long-term relationships) has become. So you can understand why we found this strip both hilarious and unsettling. Still, it’s extremely unnerving to see someone you love say “Obviously Jim Davis is spying on us” with a completely straight face.

Hi and Lois, 2/7/12

Let’s ignore for the moment the whole “who-moved-my-cookie” office-hijinks har-har. For me, the thing that really captures the banality of white-collar life is the poster hanging up in the second panel. I’m assuming that “FF” stands for “Foofram,” the name of Hi and Thirsty’s employer, which I’ve kind of come to love. Remember, nothing boosts workplace morale like printing your corporate logo and “QUALITY” onto an 8 1/2 by 11 inch sheet of paper and scotch-taping it to the wall of the break room.

Mary Worth, 2/7/12

Not to brag or anything, but it turns out I was 100% correct about Nola’s techniques for turning aside Mary’s meddling. Having volunteered with no prying whatsoever her penchant for nonconsensual nonmonogamy, she can now lean back and simply watch Mary’s head explode.

Mark Trail, 2/7/12

Hey, remember when Tommy told us like six times that he would just leave his jacket lying around in the middle of the woods and Butch the blind dog would stay near it, when for no readily apparent reason Tommy would leave Butch the blind dog out in the woods by himself, and you were all like, “Well, that doesn’t make any sense.” Jokes on you, suckers! This particular Chekhovian gun has fired nicely! I mean, you have to admit that Jeff the bank robber seems like the kind of dude who would just put on some gross old jacket he found lying around in the forest without really thinking about it that much.

Spider-Man, 2/7/12

Meanwhile, Spider-Man has decided to try out this whole “super-heroics” thing, with predictable results.

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Mark Trail, 1/23/12

OK, here’s a thing that has been persistently confusing to me about the current Mark Trail storyline: Tommy keeps insisting that he runs a “dog training business,” which, to an effete urban dweller such as myself, summons up an image of an obedience school where a Cesar Millan disciple explains to you how to establish an inter-creature dynamic within your household that prevents your adorable little Pomeranian from urinating on your newly restored hardwood floors. But Tommy only talks about Butch the blind dog and the rest of his business in terms of hunting, so I guess out in Real American “dog training businesses” are all about training your dog as a hunting companion, seriously, why would you even own a dog if you weren’t going to hunt with it? And so obviously a blind dog would be useless in such a context … unless Mark can prove that Butch has what it takes after all. Of course, the fact that Tommy is so transparently eager to get a 10-minute segment about Butch onto Animal Planet or the Outdoors Channel or Pointing The Camera At Nature or whatever basic cable channel Mark’s friend works for just goes to show that even Real America is desperately in thrall to the coastal media elites.

Hi and Lois, 1/23/12

It’s really quite sad that this is what Hi and Lois think a “quickie” is. And Lois isn’t even fully committed to it! You can’t drink tea at a coffee quickie, Lois.

Apartment 3-G, 1/23/12

Ha ha, Tommie is so boring that Lu Ann is going to call her “Margo” as she waves the MapQuest page she printed out all by herself at her. In the background, the actual Margo sees where this conversation is going and quickly decides to be anywhere else.