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Pluggers, 7/29/19

What is the facial expression on this plugger supposed to be conveying? Is it a sly smile? Is this plugger thinking about how he “accidentally” left the house without his suspenders today? How his pants might just “accidentally” fall down, and there would be no way for him to stop it? Oops! How embarrassing! How naughty! Everyone will be able to see! It’s not his fault, he just forgot, but I suppose sometimes we need to be punished for our mistakes.

Gil Thorp, 7/29/18

Welp, it looks like Hadley has figured out what she’s doing with her summer, which is idly threatening to personally sue school board members for preventing Tiki Jansen from attending school in a district he doesn’t live in. Hey, you ever hear about poor parents who fudge their address so their kids can go to school in a better, wealthier school district and up getting sent to jail? Really too bad that none of those kids were on a varsity team with a coach who could connect them with a bored, unethical lawyer, huh?

Hi and Lois, 7/29/18

Look, Lois, Hi doesn’t give a shit about his dumb job or his mediocre salary. You know what Hi cares about? Golf. Winning at golf makes him horny as hell, and you’re clearly pretty pleased about the result, so let’s not quibble about the motivations.

Shoe, 7/29/19

Ha ha, it’s funny because Skyler, much like his uncle, is terribly depressed! Also a bird? A bird that, like all modern birds, doesn’t have teeth? And thus would have no use for orthodontia?

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Mary Worth, 7/15/19

Oh wow, it looks like the extremely terrible trend of “negging” has finally hit France, or maybe Hugo has learned it as part of his cultural studies here in America, but either way he’s taking it to the next level by negging not just Dawn’s appearance or personality (seems like there’d be a lot of rich material with that one in particular) but her whole country. Which, yeah, we have a lot to answer for, especially when it comes to culinary matters, but I think you lose your right to talk smack about how and what other people eat and drink when you’re in the middle of eating a sandwich with a fork.

Hi and Lois, 7/15/19

Ha ha, kids today and their Wi-Fi, amiright everybody? Anyway, feel free to speculate how long Chip has been isolating himself socially and refusing to leave his room that he’s forgotten that his wireless connectivity ends when he leaves the house.

Dick Tracy, 7/15/19

Well, it’s Monday and it’s time for a new Dick Tracy storyline, and this one starts with … Dick being gunned down in the pouring rain right outside his precinct? That’s pretty solid, actually, though it’s honestly weird to see it so soon in the week, as it’ll be pretty hard to top.

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Hi and Lois, 7/12/19

Cheer up, Chip! You may not be part of the lucrative stable of intellectual property held by the Walt Disney Company, but Hearst Communications, the parent of King Features, is no slouch! In a tough media landscape, Hearst remains profitable and in fact its revenue grew in 2018. Of course, a closer look a the numbers reveals that nearly 40 percent of 2019’s profits will come from “business and medical data and software operations,” which might mean that the whole comics division is going to be spun off and sold to a private equity fund so Hearst can focus on its core competencies. That’s when you really need to start worrying, buddy! In the meantime, enjoy being subsidized by the aviation-safety data company that’s under the same corporate umbrella as you for whatever reason!

Dick Tracy, 7/12/19

Ha, nice try, Dick, but you don’t get to be a billionaire war profiteer without knowing a thing or two about how to deal with nosy cops, and one thing you know is that you definitely don’t answer casual questions about how it sure looks like you killed your wife without, like, a team of lawyers present.

Six Chix, 7/12/19

I’m not going to lie, y’all: I’m kind of in awe of the extremely bleak turn this joke takes very, very quickly.