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149

Soapy Monday

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Judge Parker, 1/13/25

A comics tic meant to telegraph character emotional state that I always find a little odd is when they rub the back of their neck in embarrassment, as Sam is doing in panel two here. I get that they have to do these somewhat exaggerated act-outs to convey what’s happening, but I’m a little puzzled as to what he’s embarrassed about, exactly. “Sorry I just assume you don’t follow my advice or the law”? “Sorry I’m about to accuse your family members of complicity in various crimes”? “Sorry I forgot to tell you that the police have established a 24/7 perimeter around the town because they’re obsessed with capturing your daughter specifically, or maybe because we just live in a panopticon dictatorship now, but either way you should be a lot more subtle with your criming”?

Mary Worth, 1/13/25

“Once, a long time ago, I saw my parents. But then they put a blanket between me and them, which caused them to vanish from the universe. But then the blanket moved, and I could see them again, which meant they existed again. It was very scary and terrifying to me! How could they just blink in and out of existence like that? Am I supposed to believe that they’re sometimes still there, even when I’m not looking at them? That’s insane! If something exists, I should be able to see it! It makes me furious! So you see why I was so mad when your glasses just came out of nowhere and appeared on your face? It made no sense to me, to the protagonist of reality!”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/13/25

“I just kind of assumed I hated my daughter! But she finally left and now I feel terrible! Is it possible that I … like her, somehow?”

142

The comic strip Marvin has also outlived many of its rivals, sadly

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Judge Parker, 1/6/25

Detective Yelich has been Sam’s inside man on the police force since the Great Judge Meth Caper of ’23, which, you may recall, included an episode in which Yelich got drunk and kidnapped a material witness to a murder case. So, yeah, detective, Sam isn’t gonna buy you shit! He can already threaten to ruin your life if you don’t help Alan with his little maybe-my-daughter’s-a-murderer problem! The only reason he had you meet him at the diner is so there would be witnesses if you decided that killing him might be easier and more fun than living under his thumb forever!

Marvin, 1/6/25

If you ever decide that “FINE, my comic strip WON’T be about poop for once, so what’s a good joke that doesn’t involve poop,” you could do worse than pulling out whatever trivia book you have as reading material in your bathroom and building a punchline out of something you find when you open it at random. In the interests of intellectual honesty, though, one of your strip’s characters must read said trivia item out of said book. Anyway, my favorite part of this strip is that Marvin’s trivia-loving friend has a big smile on his face as Marvin delivers the punchline. “That’s right, Marvin!” he’s thinking. “That rabbit is long dead. And it serves him right!”

Family Circus, 1/7/25

28 years ago, Ma Keane got a new haircut, and while strip reruns still include anachronisms like old-fashioned metal trash cans, the family matriarch’s old ‘do is always replaced with the new one as if it were one of Stalin’s purged generals. That’s true even if she’s wearing a kerchief that no longer serves much of a purpose wrapped around her newer, shorter hairstyle. Anyway, Big Daddy Keane sure is grumpy, presumably because he found a box that he briefly thought was full of delicious Jack Daniels but then he opened it and found a stack of dumb old issues of the Saturday Evening Post instead.

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Holidays loom ominously

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Judge Parker, 12/23/24

Aw, isn’t that nice? Sam is going to let Alan enjoy the holidays and wait until the new year until he yells at him for sheltering his criminal daughter. Personally speaking, I’d like to get it out of the way now, you know? No worse way to spend the holiday then dwelling on “Ah, what kind of pissy scold am I going to get from Sam Driver about my latest criminal antics” when I could be exchanging gifts with my family or getting drunk or whatever.

Blondie, 12/23/24

Look, I’m not afraid to say it: A giant stocking stuffed full with cookies and two kinds of meat sounds disgusting. It’s all going to get mixed together and lint from the stocking will stick to everything! I’m not a food snob by any stretch of the imagination but Dagwood’s whole deal is very gross.

Gasoline Alley, 12/23/24

Santa, famously, sees you when you’re sleeping and knows when you’re awake. To this list of surveillance crimes, add another: every time somebody gives birth, anywhere in the world, he’s watching. He’s watching … and he remembers. He remembers everything.