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Archive: Judge Parker

157

They teach you the tip o’ the helmet in firefighter school

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Mary Worth, 10/10/25

Mary’s looking pretty frazzled in panel two, and who can blame her, what with her having just been in a freak balloon accident and then brushed off by a fireman who didn’t want to make small talk while he was in the middle of a complex rescue operation. Still, she has to realize that the scenario she’s describing makes no sense, right? Why would Saul and Eve send dogs to find her, when they didn’t even know she was missing? Soon enough she’s going to put two and two together, and then either set up a full-on cult that worships Olive, or sell her to a lab where her brain can be studied and possibly profited from.

Mother Goose and Grimm, 10/10/25

I guess I don’t know for sure that there’s no such thing as a physical drone store, though if I were buying a drone, I’d probably just get one online, like a normal person. But if there are such retail establishments, I feel confident in saying that the staff there does not wear tuxedos to work. I wish we lived in that glorious and classy world, but unfortunately we do not.

Judge Parker, 10/10/25

“She needs someplace where she can be just a kid again … you know, like a vast estate owned by the richest lady in town, where she can ride horses all day. Normal, relatable kid stuff. Will there be other children there for her to play with? Ha ha, goodness no.”

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Generation gaps

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Judge Parker, 9/27/25

Look, we’re all young and hip here [laughs nervously], but the truth is that the soap opera strips are a very traditional medium and it’s fine when they rely on very traditional visual tropes. For instance, “This guy is having a hard time and we need an efficient way to convey that visually. How about we just have him pour himself a big honkin’ glass of brown liquor, in mid-conversation? We’ve got two panels and I think that’ll do it.”

Mary Worth, 9/27/25

Oh, it turns out Mary and Olive and Stanley crashed outside of cell phone range, actually, but fortunately Olive’s psychic powers aren’t constrained by physical distance. So she’s going to use them to summon Max and Greta to her aid, and, look, I fully endorse the overall Mary Worth message that dogs are good, but, like, climbing trees isn’t exactly one of their strengths, right? Shouldn’t she have befriended Estelle and Ed’s cats instead?

The Lockhorns, 9/27/25

Guys, I don’t know how much more obvious they can make it: THE LOCKHORNS. ARE. MILLENNIALS.

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Not going to try to transcribe a comical French accent, just imagine it

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Judge Parker, 9/18/25

I’m never exactly sure how old Sam and Abbey are supposed to be — yes, they’re the parents of two women who are both in their early to mid 20s, but they’re the adoptive parents of those two women and more to the point adopted them when those two women were tweens, so reproductive biology isn’t necessarily a factor and Sam and Abbey could be as young as their … early 40s, maybe? My point is that Abbey in panel two looks a lot like an elder millennial influencer with a lot of lip filler doing a front-facing camera reel about “My adopted daughter? Taking care of our friend’s granddaughter who’s been abandoned by her parents due to a series of espionage-related shenanigans? Let me stop you right there with a big ‘no’ — and that’s the tea, sis.”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/18/25

Oh! How embarrassing for Yvonne! She didn’t know that roots, or possibly Americana, or maybe both of them, is/are called “Ameripolitan” now! Incredible social faux pas here, she won’t be able to show her face in public for weeks. If you want to avoid the inevitable social shunning that would follow on from such a mistake, be sure to write your newspaper and demand that they carry Rex Morgan, M.D., the only comic strip that gets into the minute gradations of various musical genres that nobody listens to and if they did listen to them they’d be like “this is all the same kind of music, why are you calling these songs different things.”

The Lockhorns, 9/18/25

I guess the joke here is that Leroy has insulted this supercilious French waiter and is now being challenged to a duel, but here is my preferred interpretation: after spending just a few minutes listening to Leroy and Loretta bicker, he returned to the table with those pistols and said, “My friends, in my country, I would suggest that you deal with your marital unhappiness with what the French call ‘an arrangement,’ but as we are in America, we shall come to an American solution. You must shoot each other, with guns.”