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Mary Worth, 3/23/15

OH SNAP IT’S THE TRIUMPHANT (?) RETURN OF A BELOVED (?) ANCILLARY MARY WORTH CHARACTER! You might remember Terry Bryson as the Internet fraud expert who gently explained to Toby how to not get ripped off on the online, back in 2008. Since then she’s been lying low at Charterstone, apparently hoping against hope that Adam wouldn’t find her here. Did Terry once long ago teach Adam how to avoid Internet fraud, only she did a bad job and he got Internet defrauded real bad, and now he’s out for revenge? Or is Terry herself the one thing Adam can never let go of, romantically? Probably the second one, since over the weekend Adam seems to have dyed the greying hair around his temples, so as to look younger and more vigorous. Can’t wait to see the upbeat wedding denouement of this story, which has began in unsettling stalkertastic fashion!

Judge Parker, 3/23/15

Oh, goody: we’ve returned to Sam and Abbey’s RV, which is large enough to have both a main salon and, presumably, several secondary salons, just in time for them to wax rhapsodic about the greatness of Judge Parker Senior’s unfilmable script adaptation of his unreadable book! Abbey’s going to need some coffee for this. All this sycophancy takes a lot out of you.

Funky Winkerbean, 3/23/15

Ha ha, “I have a meeting with your father,” definitely a normal thing a human would say upon meeting an unidentified young person in an office setting. In this case, of course, a more reasonably response would be “I have a meeting with the mad scientist who grafted your tiny head onto your mismatched body.”

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Six Chix, 3/22/15

I kind of like how sad this lady looks. “Sure, cool wordplay, talking animals that only I can hear, but the truth is that agoraphobia is a serious and debilitating medical condition that has significant and negative impacts on my life.”

Dennis the Menace, 3/22/15

Look, Joey, your mother’s dead, so stop pretending, OK? It’s not menacing, just the tough love you need to get you to acknowledge the facts and get on the road to true healing.

Judge Parker, 3/22/15

“I’ll bet Godiva ‘gets her horse’ now, if you know what I mean! That’s a sex thing, right? A sex thing rich people do? God, I hate working for you one-percent monsters so much, and yet you all have me in a constant state of arousal!”

Shoe, 3/22/15

Loon has been a beloved character in this strip since it began in 1977, right up until today, when he was abruptly and violently eaten by a shark. We can still see the lower half of his mangled body in the final panel, though that too will presumably soon vanish to the shark’s gullet.

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Judge Parker, 3/18/15

Guys, guys, guys, you might have thought that this Judge Parker storyline was about the sexual objectification of women, what with Neddy being urged to show off her hot bod and Godiva wearing, well, this. But! Did you know that men can be sexual objects too? Sure, all you young fellas dream of hitting it big in Nashville, but just having a catchy song isn’t enough! To be a country music superstar, you need to constantly make women believe you might be sexually available to them. And not just on TV or through your songwriting: you need to pay attention to individual superfans, an act of emotional labor that you will find far more draining that you can imagine. Flirting, smiling, suggesting: this is the dark side of country music. Enter that world at your moral peril.

Dennis the Menace, 3/18/15

Enforced heterosexuality is extremely menacing, Henry. Here’s looking forward to a mildly awkward dinner with Dennis and a husky, hairy guy named Ted someday!

Family Circus, 3/18/15

The Keane parents’ facial expression here is a thing of beauty to me. “When? When is he going to stop saying the darndest things? When?”