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Judge Parker, 5/2/15

Say what you will about Judge Parker, but it is not afraid to play the long game. Remember way back in May of 2013, when Sophie casually mentioned that wars interest her? Well, that interest is not just academic. Sophie understands that she’ll probably have to spend a few years on the battlefield to gain experience and cred, of course, but she no doubt rightfully assumes that her coldly calculating intellect will quickly catapult her up the ranks until she’s planning major campaigns from deep in her underground bunker, ordering cities to be wiped out with a mere gesture. Honey Ballenger will be sorry she stole away prevented Sophie from stealing away Derek then, in that brief moment before the flash vaporizes her and everyone she’s ever known.

Momma, 5/2/15

Sure, there are a lot of problems with America’s profit-focused health care system, but look on the bright side: maybe it will kill Momma!

Pluggers, 5/2/15

But

I mean

This is just literally what oral tradition is

You haven’t put a plugger twist on it all

Come on now

Really

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Apartment 3-G, 4/20/15

I won’t try to update you on recent goings-on in Apartment 3-G, because, well, let’s just say Josh’s theory that the strip has become a livestream of Margo’s psychotic delusions seems as good as any. This new guy/hallucination is either some jerk who’s been pranking Margo on the streets for a few months, or one of her string of unfortunate lovers stretching back to the Kennedy administration, and there is NO WAY I’m implying that those two are mutually exclusive. Maybe in Margo’s fevered imagination President Kennedy himself has come back from the dead to prank her on the streets, I wouldn’t rule it out. Quite the card, that Jack — and lookin’ pretty sharp for a man of 97.

Gasoline Alley, 4/20/15

Like everybody, I just knew when a custodian named “Gus Todian” showed up, he would pepper Mrs. “Trace Me” Hatley and the rest of us with pointless and annoying wordplay. But “vegetablearian” had me stumped until I realized it was an attempt to force “veterinarian” in there, as though veterinarians, or for that matter midwives, help out after insects hatch. From their eggs. Just shut up and go get Jetpack the wetvac, Gus — slurp up those nymphs mighty quick.

Judge Parker, 4/20/15

Long, long ago — decades before his New Year’s Day 2000 wedding to Abbey Spencer — Sam was the badass in this strip. He was a detective, then, doing the tough, messy work stuffy neither Judge Alan nor that effete smartass Randy had the stones or the competence to do themselves. But consigliere or not, it’s the Parkers’ name on the strip, and Sam will never be family.

Now, while Alan and Randy jet off to jungle compounds to quaff Cristal with willowy assassins and international arms merchants, Sam squats in this washed-out squirrel-infested trailer park, nursing his diminishing stores of supermarket plonk, ignoring his shrieking, entitled daughter, and picking fights with the likes of Dalton here and his meaty comrades. I wouldn’t go pointing that finger, Dalton — our boy’s having a very bad day.

–Uncle Lumpy

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Judge Parker, 4/12/15

As hero commenter Calvin’s Cardboard Box has meticulously documented, there are some discrepancies in this week’s story about how the evil Honey Ballenger is going to steal away Sophie’s boyfriend Derek using her sexual wiles while Sophie is stuck in this trailer park, the most obvious being that Derek is actually Honey’s boyfriend, not Sophie’s, despite Sophie’s brazen boast that she was going to steal Derek away from her. Anyway, Sam is just glad this little drama is about his daughter’s emotional life and not something important, like a high-quality laser printer that works on the go.

Shoe, 4/12/15

The best thing about the “Perfesser watches TV” installments of Shoe isn’t the jokes (obviously); it’s the overwhelming sense of despair that permeates the whole thing, as he slouches down into the chair and stares with heavy-lidded disdain at the screen that’s lighting up the otherwise darkened room. The way he’s just resting his hand in the bag of chips is a really nice touch today. How long do you think it’s been there? Hours?

Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/12/15

At last! It’s the meeting of the “Kelly is bullied at school” and “Kelly has sworn allegiance to a violent criminal organization” plots that we never knew we wanted until this moment.