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Slylock Fox, 8/11/14

One of the many questions I have about the post-animapocalypse world of Slylock Fox involves biodiversity: have the newly sapient animals remained restricted to their original ranges, or, like the early members of genus Homo, are they using their smarts to conquer new environments? Today we learn that Australia, at least, is still largely the domain of its unique native fauna, who have in their brief period of ascendency already established an iron-clad hierarchy: the marsupials wear fancy clothes and sell expensive baubles to each other, while the monotremes live on the margins of society and are forced to steal to survive. Unfortunately, the marsupials aren’t equipped to maintain the oppressive social structure they’ve created and have been forced to call in placental mammals from outside to help. If human history is any guide, this is a terrible, terrible mistake.

Judge Parker, 8/11/14

Haha, looks like we’ve reached the real talk phase of Gloria’s exit interview! Anyway, everybody in Judge Parker is doing no work and getting paid for it and now people are getting grumpy about it for some reason.

Dennis the Menace, 8/11/14

I think this is the most I’ve ever seen Mr. Wilson enjoying himself! He’s just going to town on some snacks and then he’s going to pass out on the couch covered in crumbs. Dennis is being a total scold about it, which I deem to be unusually unpleasantly menacing.

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Mary Worth, 8/9/14

Since the dawn of time earliest days of this blog, Mary Worth has had one message for us when it comes to drugs, and that message is: drugs are bad. But it’s not just ponytail-sporting ex-cons who sell and/or do drugs. No, drug abuse can be found among the pillars of society, like doctors with comically inappropriate names, who seem like upstanding non-addicts but when you stumble into their office at night you find them ready to inject themselves with some sweet, sweet morphine/heroin/look that’s a medicine syringe and I just happened to have it laying out on the table while I did a little flexing, OK? I’m not a junkie, I swear! Anyway, I definitely would not let this guy remove any cysts from my torso, no sir.

Judge Parker, 8/9/14

Welp, it looks like Gloria and Steve won’t be raising human cattle for processing into Soylent Green after all; this was apparently just a weird reference to having their having kids or whatever. Anyway, today is the day we learn that Gloria hasn’t done any work in years.

Apartment 3-G, 8/9/14

We, the readers, already know that Tommie’s Terrible Trauma is that her fiancé died in a plane crash. Does that make her refusal to talk about it more or less boring for us? Discuss.

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Mark Trail, 8/6/14

Wow, you guys, in a totally shocking development that nobody could’ve predicted, Chris Dyer is totally in on this rhino-poaching business! Anyway, it’s kind of sad that nobody in the poacher camp is calling Chris “Dirty.” If you can’t count on your drunk, loutish, hirsute criminal associates to use the ridiculous attempt at a badass nickname you’ve picked out for yourself, who can you count on?

Judge Parker, 8/6/14

Sam may be grossed out by Gloria’s emotions, but now that she’s revealed her intention to raise human livestock, his lips are parting in excitement! Whether her helpless victims are grown in pens and fed a diet of high-fat slurry before being cooked and served as a delicacy to a very wealthy and discrete clientele or we’re talking about a free-range Most Dangerous Game-type scenario, he wants in.

Pluggers, 8/6/14

Pluggers can no longer keep up with cultural change, and also all their friends are dying.

Family Circus, 8/6/14

Noooooo Jeffy, He can hear you, He will punish us with terrible, scorching heat for your blasphemy