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Beetle Bailey, 8/5/14

I went through a lot of emotional stages with this comic. First I was like, “Wow, Cookie has definitely been drawn by someone who holds the idea of tattoos in contempt but who has not actually seen a lot of tattoos.” Then I thought, “Wait, Jesus Christ, is Cookie naked underneath his apron? Are they having Cookie strut around nude in the mess hall, for no other reason than to make this stupid tattoo joke?” Then I noticed, “no, they’re in the barracks, which means that Cookie walks around with his apron and chef’s hat on while otherwise nude in the barracks, which is almost as weird if not weirder.” Anyway. The “cut here” tattoo? Pretty “edgy,” right? Eh? Eh? Kids today? And also it should probably be visible when he has his clothes on? Eh?

Judger Parker, 8/5/14

Aww, you guys, Sam’s longtime legal secretary Gloria is finally marrying the double amputee of her dreams! Of course, Sam isn’t just her boss — he’s her best friend, the person she’s closest to in the world, and she loves him! Sam’s frozen little smile in panel three is one of the best things I’ve ever seen. “Yes and you … are definitely someone I’ve worked with for … several years, the precise number of which I will have to look up, Gloria!”

Six Chix, 8/5/14

Wouldn’t most cow gossip revolve around who’s been killed and eaten lately? Maybe let’s talk about something more pleasant.

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Apartment 3-G, 7/28/14

I’m back everybody! Isn’t it great when come back from a long time away and discover that literally nothing has changed? Tommie and Carol are wearing the same clothes they were wearing two weeks ago, and are still just standing around talking about nothing of any interest to anyone! The two of them cruelly drove away beloved non-Tommie non-Carol character “Tina” and since then it’s just been the two of them yammering away in an otherwise empty universe. Oh, were you excited by the prospect of what excitement an appearance from “Doc Wheeler” might’ve brought to the strip? Hate to break it to you, but there isn’t any “Doc Wheeler.” We sure didn’t see him on panel. Probably Tommie formed some straw into a vaguely man-shaped pile and said “Look! It’s Doc Wheeler!” and Carol said “Hey there, ‘Big Wheel!'” and then they both laughed and laughed for way, way longer than they should have.

Judge Parker, 7/28/14

Meanwhile, all sorts of things happened in Judge Parker, the main thing being that Neddy has finally come into her own as a Spencer-Driver. Balancing the books of her “Made In The USA” clothing line on the backs of the Social Security and Medicare trust funds and/or old people’s desperation? Heading down to the factory she owns to smugly watch the elderly try to operate machinery and thread needles with trembling, arthritic hands? Abbey’s right: she should’ve told Sam this sooner. He’d eat that shit up.

Better Half, 7/28/14

Also, the Better Half continued its slow and steady migration from “slightly less hateful Lockhorns knockoff” to “full-on surreal horror-nightmare.” I’m reading “spliced a pig gene with the DNA of an aerobics instructor” as meaning an aerobics instructor got some genetic material from a pig and not vice-versa, which means that the Better Half takes place in a dystopian future where even a small amount of artificially engineered DNA in a human’s genome makes that human an un-person who can be killed, cooked, and eaten without fear of legal or social repercussions.

Pluggers, 7/28/14

Deep down, pluggers know that their supposedly non-ideological knee-jerk “they’re all crooks!” attitude towards elected officials is a cop-out.

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Dick Tracy, 7/22/14

Oh yeah, Diet Smith and “Daddy” Warbucks are both working on time-travel projects, just to simplify things. And Dick’s left-behind wrist wizard IS OF NO POSSIBLE USE IN FINDING HIM, so everybody please stop noticing when Smith brings it up nonstop 24/7, okay?

But the really charming thing about this strip is Sam’s tantrum. Plutocrats Diet Smith and “Daddy” Warbucks use Dick Tracy’s shadow army to protect and conceal their secret worldwide totalitarian superstate, but when push comes to shove it’s always Sam bustin’ perps and crackin’ skulls. Sure, he helped patrol the sector during the Moon Years, but chasing crooks down the Corridors of Time is just too damn much work, and if you try to pull that “it can’t be overtime if it’s in the past” crap, you are definitely gonna hear from his union rep.

Funky Winkerbean, 7/22/14

Comic John doesn’t really listen when people talk: “Garage Con? Yeah, my friend has those!” Any more “storage/solitude” and “book/bat” wordplay, though, and Holly will tune him out, too.

Judge Parker, 7/22/14

“Well let’s see, because she’s a 23-year-old who’s still drawing princess dresses and whose idea of running a factory is screaming at an immigrant seamstress, ‘You call this a flounce?’”

Ha ha Abby saw the title of this article, but couldn’t be bothered to read it.

— Uncle Lumpy