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Mary Worth, 6/21/13

Good news, everybody! Thanks to Mary’s fairly mild scolding and Tom’s ill-advised surprise-proposal, Elinor isn’t opposed to Tom and Beth’s love at all anymore! In fact, she’s in favor of it. Suspiciously strongly in favor of it, actually. Today she lets slip what her real epiphany was: if she lets Tom marry Beth and move into their apartment with him (obviously he’ll be moving into their apartment with them), she’ll have two soft touches to bully and push around, not just one! “I’ll even exceed those standards,” thinks Tom. But you won’t, Tom, you really won’t.

Herb and Jamaal, 6/21/13

Since this is clearly a reference to the bonkers ending of “The Rains of Castamere,” an episode of Game of Thrones that aired a mere 19 days ago, this is probably the most topical and specific Herb and Jamaal ever written. I guess by leaving out the actual name or description of the episode they can reuse it any time the show decides to freak everyone out with insane carnage, which I imagine will be fairly regularly.

Gil Thorp, 6/21/13

Actually, it looks Jimmy is smugly rubbing in the fact that the Foleys are as bad at baseball as they are at suing people. But, you know, Coaches Thorp and Kaz have pretty strict rules about cutting off all contact with their players the moment the season ends, so let’s let them have their little moment of self-delusion.

Judge Parker, 6/21/13

Soooo … I guess we’re done with even the pretense that Judge Parker Senior is a character we’re supposed to like?

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Apartment 3-G, 6/8/13

I’m not sure why, but I kind of assumed that Lu Ann and New York State’s handsome, eligible governor were having a secretive affair, hidden from the prying eyes of the press, mostly because he seems pretty sleazy and she seems kind of dumb and/or lacking in self-esteem. But no! Apparently she’ll be his date for the very public Governor’s Ball! But before then she has an “appointment with Zoey Ziggler,” and assuming that isn’t a euphemism for some sick sex thing (which it, along with “Governor’s Ball”, may well be), I guess that means she’s going to get dolled up to the level of beauty and sophistication necessary for state-level government pomp and circumstance. Hey, remember when the A3G girls went on a makeover reality show and Lu Ann got a totally different look and it lasted for like a week? Good luck to you, Zoey!

Judge Parker, 6/8/13

Sweet Jesus Xipe Totec, please let this plot end with the doctor-priests who run April’s dad’s compound wearing the flayed skins of the entire Parker-Spencer-Driver axis, calling down the power of the gods to cleanse their patients of cancer.

Funky Winkerbean, 6/8/13

“Ha ha, that would have probably been more natural to bring up when he was first mentioned a few minutes ago, huh? Anyway, pay attention to meeeeeeeeee.”

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Curtis, 6/6/13

Usually we blame media desensitization for making The Kids Today numb to depictions of gruesome violence and wanton sexuality, and therefore more prone to accept or even participate in gruesome violence or wanton sexuality. But today’s Curtis presses the argument further, positing that such content more generally kills the human capacity for empathy, leaving Curtis unable to appreciate the human tragedy that has befallen his father’s mildly irritating co-worker. Either that, or he’s been watching CNBC and The Boiler Room nonstop, leaving him inured to instances of financial suffering in particular. But as is often the case with media panic, maybe we should look away from the television screen to find the origins of human cruelty: with vicious epithets like “muttonhead” in common use in the Wilkins household, it’s no wonder Curtis has built an emotional barrier between himself and the pain felt by others.

Judge Parker, 6/6/13

Judge Parker has taken a step away from “Neddy’s friends’ kidnapping crisis may be a grift” to return to its other storyline, “Judge Parker Senior and Mrs. Judge Parker Senior’s marriage is in trouble.” Today we learn the main thing they’ll fight over in the divorce trial: rights to this terrible and almost certainly highly lucrative screenplay.