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Better Half, 3/27/13

Seeing “FOOD COURT” in big letters like this gave me a brainstorm for a hit new reality show, Food Court, in which an ersatz jurist in a black robe would preside over faux trials in which, say, snacks that claim to be “healthy” would be cross-examined by medical experts who would prove that their sodium levels were off the charts and nutritive value was essentially nil. But then I saw the guy in the background in the vaguely Renaissance outfit, and I imagined Food Court, a historical comedy-drama in which a 15th century Italian prince rules over a Italian statelet and spends his time mediating the sometimes violent battles between rival restauranteurs. These ruminations were fairly inane, admittedly, but surely no worse than whatever Stanley is babbling about. Harriet is right to ignore him and look at whatever fun thing is on her phone instead.

Apartment 3-G, 3/27/13

Haha, I love how quickly Margo has gone from caffeinated semi-enthusiasm to heavy-lidded ennui. “So, this is about money? You want me to write you a check? If I get my checkbook out, that will shut you up about whatever do-gooder nonsense you’re on about, and I get to eat breakfast in peace?”

Judge Parker, 3/27/13

“We’ll both have the salmon with a caesar salad, Rudy … I’m buying, which means I get to make all the decisions! I’ll thank you not to address Mr. Driver by name or look directly at him for the duration of this meal. All lunch-related queries go through me, the paymaster.”

Archie, 3/27/13

Wait, but wouldn’t Archie’s dad have noticed the hamsters squeaking and moving around if they were alivAAAUUGH DON’T THINK ABOUT IT DON’T THINK ABOUT IT

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Gil Thorp, 3/12/13

Oh, hey, Gil Thorp, remember that thing? What’s been up there? Well, let’s see … the miraculous basketball-improving peacock that Scott Fowler (OMG “FOWL”ER I LITERALLY JUST GOT THIS) thought was his reincarnated little brother was just some dude’s peacock that kept getting out of its pen. Gil, after making fun of Scott for his idiocy, decided to harness the idiocy of everyone else on the team by having them go hang out with the peacock and collectively gain its completely fake magic powers. This got them into the playdowns, apparently! Too bad they’re going up against Hamilton, a team that has its own lucky creature deal going on. Do you think this pig contains the spirit of their point guard’s dead dad or something? Whatever, it will surely be enough to ensure that Milford is ignominiously defeated in the first round.

Judge Parker, 3/12/13

Call it Stockholm Syndrome, but I will never tire of Judge Parker strips where beautiful people talk about money while petting pretty pretty horses. Did you even know how lucrative maritime law is, peasant? Of course not! You’re probably unfamiliar with even the basics of yachting lore!

Mark Trail, 3/12/13

“Bass boats … fishermen … the usual stuff … docks … bait shops … vans … fish guts left lying out on docks … wow, this kid sure is lonely and sad and obsessed with fishing, am I right? Maybe it’s for the best that a great fisherman like Rod Bassy has kidnapped him.”

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OK KIDS HANG ONTO YOUR HATS because I have some things to share with you, some of which are TIMELY, others of which are just interesting:

• Don’t forget that if you live near Baltimore you can see me doing improv monologues with the Baltimore Improv Group at Magooby’s Joke House! Here’s info and ticketing, except (sigh) they have “Tim Hoeckel” named as the monologist (he did it the last time). But it’ll be me and it’s funny and you should come! Apocalyptic snowstorm? What apocalyptic snowstorm! The place to be during a big snow is a comedy club, where there’s lots of booze and fried food and and funny people (who you can eat when the inevitable descent into cannibalism happens).

• Do you live near Los Angeles? Maybe you would like to see a play based on certain characters from a certain beloved comic strip. (Hint: It is Peanuts.)

• Also if you are in Australia, you might enjoy this exhibit of Peanuts characters mashed up with rap lyrics.

• Also also I have been meaning for a long time to give a totally unsolicited plug for King Features’ DailyInk site, if only because I still get emails asking where to go for a build-your-own comics page site now that the Houston Chronicle shut theirs down. Yes, it’s a pay site, but it costs less than $2 a month. Did you know they’ll also deliver vintage strips, like the Judge Parkers below from 1969, which describe Sam and Abbey’s meet-cute? Obviously there are hippies involved.

And, finally, I wanted to remind all of you that don’t know that you can get updates about when I post to this site, as well as other things I write, public appearances, and dumb hilarious jokes, on Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, and Google+!